dangerous

i am laid in bed again trying using my phone. i could use my laptop
but its flat and dont want to get out of bed to plug it in. helps me
keep these posts shorter using my phone. actually that probably isn't
true the last one was longer than most i would write at the computer.

The dangerous in the title was because i can often be too honest when
writing laid in bed. afraid there wont be any opening of my heart
tonight, think it broke a long time ago ;-)

i am not really tired, think i have reverted to my default body clock
timings. anyone who has known me for a while will know that i dont
sleep very well or at least i can never get to sleep. never want to
get out of bed in the morning either. since i got my own house i had
managed to get up earlier and get to sleep earlier than i ever could
before. now that i have been off work for a while and probably because
i have had a lot on my mind i just cant get to sleep. even when i have
been running and walking i still lay awake for hours. i probably know
how to fix it though and hopefully will do in the next few weeks.

i keep mentioning that i need to get a new job. it is strange how just
before my current hassle i had decided i would wait it out to see how
things worked out at work. then since my world fell apart. that is
obviously someone trying to tell me it was the wrong decision, lol.

i have been thinking through what i would like to do and to be honest
i am still as confused as ever. i have even looked at the army. i
thought about joining when i left school but decided with my short
fuse it would be a bad idea and couldn't take someone shouting in my
face. i have changed quite a bit since then although know i still have
a short fuse. these days i try to avoid any situation that cause me to
lose it, joining the army could just end up lighting the fuse. i
couldn't afford my house on the pay. i decided to look into joining
the TA though and have been sent some stuff to look at. this could be
a better option, although giving me a gun and running around the
countryside with it could be seen as a bad idea. only kidding. it does
actually sound good, i would get fit, learn survival skills, shoot and
make friends that you can rely on. think i may of just talked myself
into it :-)

still think my ideal jobs would either be a countryside ranger or self
employed working with computers. both completely different jobs but
think that sums me up. i get bored doing the same thing day in day
out. i have said many times that is what attracted me to computers in
the first place, so much to learn. unfortunately working in the jobs i
have you normally dont get a chance to learn new computer skills
constantly that are interesting. trying to close in on what i enjoy
and am good at. i have always liked when someone asks me how to do
something that i dont know. i will figure it out then show the person
how to do whatever it is they asked. i am very quick at doing this
especially when it interests me. could that turn into a job i am not
sure.

this is why i like having a blog. it lets me think out ideas. is
probably very boring for anyone who happens to waste there life
reading my babbling.

well my fingers are losing circulation so i better stop writing!