Odd

Its been an odd weekend. I went on the monthly work night out to durham and ended up staying at tony from our peterlee offices house. Dont think we got in until about 3, i was up just after 8 and caught a couple of buses then walked the last mile and a half home.

i then went back to bed for a couple more hours. Then spent the rest of the day watching tv.

The work night out was strange which i guess is the norm for our nights out. For once there was nothing about me for anyone to talk about. Although i did get questioned about the last night out by someone, some how i managed to avoid the subject i think, my memory is a bit hazy, that was early on so wouldnt of said anything.

I can imagine having a strange conversation with another lass from work about tatoos.

I went out for a drive today to middleton in teesdale and barnard castle before driving home. Otherwise i havent done anything since getting in on saturday morning.

i have managed to be careful with my texts normally i end up texting people especially when i have had a drink, not this weekend. The person i know i would of texted is hardly talking to me anyway so i am on my best behaviour. Trying to give her some space which is hard when i feel like i do ;-)

Stupid Signs

I found Swanksigns today, its a site with loads of stupid signs.

Microsoft "Genuine Advantage" cracked in 24h: window.g_sDisableWGACheck='all'

I read this on boing boing earlier today:

AV sez, "This week, Microsoft started requiring users to verifiy their serial number before using Windows Update. This effort to force users to either buy XP or tell them where you got the illegal copy is called 'Genuine Advantage.' It was cracked within 24 hours."

Before pressing 'Custom' or 'Express' buttons paste this text to the address bar and press enter:

javascript:void(window.g_sDisableWGACheck='all')

It turns off the trigger for the key check.

Link (Thanks, AV!)

Unicornimation: The Love Story

I found this link today, if you are at work dont watch it. Its an animation of 2 unicorns.

Today

I had to go to our Darlington office this morning with liz and Mandy who i work with to deliver a training course.

I wasnt looking forward to it because i could see several things that were going to be difficult.

Everything that could go wrong did and instead of training i spent all morning fixing stuff. Yet to be honest i didnt care a less, it didnt get to me. I think it pissed liz and Mandy off more on the afternoon when some of the people complained at them for going to quick and showing them stuff they already knew. I wasnt in when they complained.

I was more bothered about someone barely talking to me than the course going wrong.

I was shattered when i got in from work but seams like i am back to normal and i am now waking up and my mind wont shut off.

I think i will see if i can get at least one day off if not more next week. Could do with some peace and quiet and some time to think!

Not been around much

I havent posted anything for a few days because i have been busy. Well not entirely true, i havent been on the computer all that much until tonight.

I think i have spent most of the last few nights listening to an audiobook "Dan Brown - Angels and Demons". Its been really good but i am a long way into it and i dozed off for 20 minutes tonight and have missed part of it and dont really want to try and figure out where i heard to.

A lot seams to of happened since i wrote properly in my blog. Just dont know where to start. I think i mentioned i had messed up by sending some flowers. That situation still hasnt really changed, guess its amazing how what i meant as a kind gesture (i thought) to show how much i care about them can backfire so much.

Dont think i mentioned i did do the tarot cards the night before i sent the flowers. Dont read them much these days. I still havent got around to interpreting them fully yet. But it did look like i was going to have some difficult times in the near future in the relationship i was hoping was starting. I didnt realise it was going to be as soon as the next day, lol.

I better go to sleep gotta get up tomorrow to pick jonathan up (my boss) on my way into work. I will hopefully write more stuff tomorrow night, think i have some stuff to sort out in my head ;-)

Euro Millions

I put on the Euro Millions draw tonight because the jackpot was advertised as £66 million, it ended up being nearly £68 million and no one won it.

I won, well not the jackpot obviously. I matched 2 and 1 star and won £8.30 its a profit so good :-)

Dream

I woke up at 7 this morning and fell back asleep again for 10 minutes but had a strange dream in the 10 minutes.

I dreamt I was at work and I received an email from the peron I sent the flowers to the other day, cant rememer what the subject was now but in it was a an animated picture of some chips that were moving into words to spell out what she wanted to say.

Then in the dream it suddenly changed into a real plate of chip in front of me and the chip were doing the same thing moving to make words. Someone from work was helping me to try to read what it said.

Cant really remember what it said now, should of wrote it down when I 1st woke up. Can remember a little bit but wouldnt write it here!!

Creep

Creep: I also watched this movie tonight, I think it is hard not to compare any film that features horror and the london underground and not compare it to some other horrors like American Werewolf in London and 28 Days later. This isn't as good as either of those. Having said that it is still worth watching and has some jumpy moments I guess. Better than many of the recent American horrors I have seen. Only gave it 6 out of 10 but still worth renting.

Punch-Drunk Love

Punch-Drunk Love: I watched this earlier tonight and still not quite sure what to make of it. I was expecting a typical Adam Sandler movie which I quite like (you dont have to think to hard). Pleased I watched it although it was very odd. It has 7.5 on IMDB and not really sure what to rate it. Think I will give it 7.

2 songs

I can think of 2 songs that would describe how i felt last night, still do.

Beatles - In My Life

There are places I'll remember
All my life, though some have changed
Some forever, not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All this places have their moments
With lovers and friends I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life, I've loved them all

But of all these friends and lovers
There is no one compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new
Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life, I love you more

Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life, I love you more
In my life-- I love you more

Bryan Adams - Please Forgive Me

It still feels like our first night together
Feels like the first kiss and
It's gettin' better baby
No one can better this
I'm still hold on and you're still the one
The first time our eyes met it's the same feelin' I get
Only feels much stronger and I wanna love ya longer
You still turn the fire on

So If you're feelin' lonely.. don't
You're the only one I'd ever want
I only wanna make it good
So if I love ya a little more than I should

Please forgive me I know not what I do
Please forgive me I can't stop lovin' you
Don't deny me

This pain I'm going through
Please forgive me
If I need ya like I do
Please believe me
Every word I say is true
Please forgive me I can't stop loving you
Still feels like our best times are together
Feels like the first touch

We're still gettin' closer baby
Can't get close enough I'm still holdin' on
You're still number one I remember the smell of your skin
I remember everything
I remember all your moves
I remember you
I remember the nights ya know I still do

One thing I'm sure of
Is the way we make love
And the one thing I depend on
Is for us to stay strong
With every word and every breath I'm prayin'
That's why I'm sayin'...

Weird how I always think of songs to match how I was feelingat the time!!

Very bad day

Today i made what has probably been one of worst decisions for some time :-(

i sent some flowers to say how i felt but it went very very wrong. I have totally upset her and not sure she will ever talk to me again.

I should of thought with my head rather than my heart. Trying to stay positive but dont really think i can.

What i really feel like doing is getting in the car and not coming back for some time. i have managed to completly fuck up the only thing in my life i care about and now have nothing that matters left.

I really need some time away but cant take time off because i have to take a training course in the exact office i would really rather not go to.

I just hope things work out, think i am only just holding things together. if i won the lottery tomorrow night i would give it away to sort this out!

The Goonies

The Goonies: I just watched this again, I have seen it loads of times but not for years. It is still excellent, brings back memories of being a kid. Anyone from my generation will remember the film, Mouth, Data and of course Chunk doing the truffle shuffle :-)

Go and rent this now and watch it again, it puts a smile on your face!!

Keep me busy

My last post mentioned some of how i was feeling. I started to think i need to do something to take my mind off stuff until things are sorted out. I realised i have already started doing that without even thinking about it.

i have spent most of the weekend walking to keep me busy the only problem with walking is it doesnt keep my mind active so i spend the whole walk thinking about what i can do to sort things out. I guess it gives me time alone to sort through things if walking alone.

The last time i was exercising like this was just over 2 years ago when i was really down and at the time had to keep everything to myself. I lost quite a lot of weight from all the exercise, i was still eating properly, well for me. could do with losing some weight, lol.

I am still trying to do the Yes thing and be positive, although it may not seam like it from the last couple of posts. I just needed to write some of the stuff down that was on my mind. Even though i did have to write it in a cryptic way!

Confused

At the beginning of the week, I was very happy and thought maybe things were finally working out for me in my personal life, but as the week has gone on I have become more and more confused. I know how I feel and I would do absolutely anything to achieve what I hope for.

I dont care about posessions, a job or just about anything else. All most of us strive for in life ultimately is to be loved and to love someone. Guess its sad for those who dont realise.

Money can bring short term happiness but finding the person you love will bring a life time of happiness. Yeah there can be a lot of arguement and difficult times but if you find the right person you are very lucky. The Beatles wrote "Can't buy me love" how true they are. Money isn't the be all and end all.

I set this blog up so I could write down what was going through my head and how I was feeling but I think I told too many people about it. I promised someone I wouldn't write about them after I said a little too much about how I felt about them. That was the whole point of this site.


I would much rather talk to them about what is going on in this head of mine, but I have such a scatter brain with so much running through it I wouldn't know where to start.

I can't talk to them at the moment because of their circumstances, I have no idea when those will change. They have made the 1st step just not sure when they will make the next.

I made a promise to myself when I was on holiday in Scotland that I would tell them how I feel. I have done that and I got a shock with their reply (good one I'm pleased to say) but since then we haven't been able to see each other to talk.

I have waited a year so I guess a few months? longer isnt gonna kill me, said I would do anything for them. I just hope in the end she feels the same about me as I do about her?

This post will probably come back to haunt me, but hell life is too short to waste!!!

Oceans Twelve

Oceans Twelve: I watched this last night, it wasn't brilliant. Oceans Eleven was a lot better. The story here was a bit jumpy and I expected more of the same that was in the the last movie, it wasnt. Dont think I would watch it again!

Wolsingham and Tunstall Walk

Distance: 8.65 miles
Time: 3 hours

I did this walk on my own today, I have had it planned out for a few weeks but didn't want to do it until I knew my GPS was working right. I know the area fairly well (I went to Wolsingham Comprehensive) but some of the parts through the woods I hadn't a clue.

Thank god I did wait, exactly as I thought heading towards the woods it was unclear as to where to go. There were 4 stiles all going in slightly different directions. The 1st which I think was actually the correct one, was strange I started to walk over it then noticed the electrified enclosure for grouse with dozens of dead birds hanging up. Thought that must be the wrong way as surely they would do all that right next to the public footpath. I then took another and the path disappeared and the GPS was telling me to go left but it was over a deep stream and couldn't see anywhere to cross. I finally found another style that had an arrow after that I just followed the GPS directions.

It took me 3 hours but I sat on the reservoir wall for 10 minutes or so. If I did it again I would probably do it quite a bit quicker now I now know the way without checking.

It was a nice walk, not too hard with some nice views of Weardale.

Below are a few pictures, as usual click them for larger versions.

(Above) Any one who know the area, will recognise the elephant trees on the top of the hill opposite.

(Above) High Jofless

(Above) If I win the lottery, a possible purchase overlooking Tunstall reservoir.

(Above) Looking down on Tunstall, you can see the house again!!

The rest of the pictures and the ones above should be uploaded to my flickr account later tonight.

Middleton in Teesdale Walk

Distance: 8.93 miles
Time: 4 hours 37 minutes

I went for this walk yesterday with my parents, it took over 4 1/2 hours. If I had been doing it myself it would of taken over and hour less but some ways it was better because I had taken longer. Sat and ate my sandwiches and enjoyed the sunshine while talking. I tend to about run wound walks and dont take the time to enjoy them.

This was a nice walk it had a bit of everything from woods, fells, hills and streams. We stopped for our dinner at an old abandoned lead mine.

There are a couple of pictures below. Click on any of the images for a larger version.

Below is a rare picture of me with my dad, I usually hide. I see why now!!
The next picture is just a view of the valley and the area around Middleton in Teesdale

I have loads more pictures but I'm not gonna post them all here. You can see more over at my flickr site http://www.flickr.com/photos/stevenhorner. Just about all the pictures I have of me and my family are hidden from general view though. So unless you know me and have a flickr account, you wont be able to see them I'm afraid (not missing much).

Good day

Its been a good today, i went for a walk to middleton in teesdale with my parents. Then came back and we had a bbq, my sister and brother in law came over with the kids.

I am now bright red with sun burn, put bloody sun cream on as well. I remember why i stay out of the sun now, lol.

I will write up today and the walk properly tomorrow.

Although today has been a good day, there is still someone missing :-(

Trying

Today was the hardest day of the week so far. I was very tired this morning when I got up. For some reason I keep waking up during the night. This never happens normally, anyone who knows me, knows that I dont sleep a lot but normally I just cant get to sleep but once asleep I dont wake up until the morning. With waking up during the night as well as not getting to sleep in the 1st place, I am shattered.

I keep waking up and checking my phone (maybe in the hope), very sad!

It was definitly the hardest day so far to remain positive, but have tried my best. Keeping my fingers crossed that everything works out how I hope, sorry I'm being positive everything WILL work out how i want it to. Gonna have to make sure it does and not give in. No matter how hard things get!!!

I have to get up in the morning going for a walk with my parents, so suppose I should try to get some sleep.

Frequency

Frequency: I have just finished watching this film, it had fairly good reviews and rightly so. The story is very good although they never quite explain how the northern lights let him communicate 30 years in the past/future. Well worth a watch, makes a change from the normal big Hollywood movies with little plot.

Saying "Yes"

I have sort of mentioned in the last few posts that I was trying to be more positive and say "Yes" to stuff that I normally would of said no to. This came about after talking to Mandy at work who was talking about a book she or a friend of hers had read. It was about some bloke who decided he would say yes to everything. Well within reason, he ended up very happy and actually made quite a lot of money. He ended up trying all sorts of things we just wouldn't of normally.

Mandy said I should try it, so I thought why the hell not. I have nothing to lose!

It may just be a massive coincidence but I do feel a lot happier this week. Even though it has been a difficult week it still feels like one of the best weeks I have had in a long time other than my holiday.

I have done more than just say yes though I have tried to be more positive and joke about more things. I normally have a joke about anyway but think I have been worse this week.

I just hope this can continue, I want one thing to happen more than anything. That is for things to work out with a certain person, would give anything for that to happen. I believe/hope it will but may take some time. But I'm still smiling :-)

New Laptop

I received my new laptop today, now I have an even bigger smile on my face than I have already had this week. All this being positive and saying yes to stuff has worked so far in the last week I have been trying it.

I have spent all night messing about with it, installing the software I want on and testing stuff out.

It got to 10pm and I decided I would see if the wireless signal would work all the way down the garden. So I wandered down the garden with the laptop streaming music from the house, I must of looked very odd (well odder than usual). The good thing is it worked all the way and in the top end of the garage.

This is just with my existing wireless connection but I have a new Access Point to connect up that is 5 times faster and has better range. Could connect a better aerial up and move it to a better location as well.

Oh, I am sat in bed typing this up on my laptop now, makes a change from using my phone!!!

Strange messages

I got an email today from Laura who i worked with at the Red Cross and we went to secondary school together as well, not that we ever talked at school. She was a swat, although can remember i thought she seamed a canny lass.

Anyway she asked me to send her some smilies as it was urgent and in return she would give me the email address of a single lass she works with. Odd, would of sent them anyway.

I said i couldnt email her because i dont know her. Asked me to send a message about her being interested in my hard drive (innuendo). for a laugh. I did and got a reply about a floppy disk. I replied again and managed to make the poor lass blush or so she tells me.

I sent another email apologising saying im not normally like that, well not with people i dont know.

All a bit of fun, not trying to chat the lass up even though she does seam nice. As i said earlier things are looking up on that front i hope :-)

Laptop

Dont think i mentioned but i ordered a laptop on sunday night, hopefully it will be here tomorrow. Although there will be no one here to receive it.

I have been wanting a one for years but with the features i wanted, they were always too expensive and i couldnt justify spending the money. especially when there are so many computers through out the house. Finally decided to get one :-)

Happy

I wasnt looking forward to this week, especially at work. There has only really been me answering the phone with 2 people away on training until tomorrow. I have had some help luckily.

Probably the main reason, well nevermind probably. The reason i am happier is because things are just starting to look up in my personal life. Not gonna say much or i might put a hex on it. Maybe my dreams are finally coming true, god i hope so :-)

Love is never easy?

Maybe i am destined to be alone?

I know who i love and she knows how i feel, i guess love was never going to easy for me. Difficult situation i am in but prepared to wait as long as it takes.

Hopefully i havent messed anything up, i was out with jay on friday night. Drink and a phone is dangerous for me. I sent quite a few texts, i meant what i wrote in them but may of been better if i hadnt sent them.

I was out again on Saturday and i was told that Kelly who i was seeing is getting married. I had made the decision ages ago about who i wanted to be with but i was still very close to Kelly. Felt like i had been punched when i was told. thought she would of told me.

just hope for once everything goes right for me, this is my second chance that i knew/hoped would happen determined not to throw it away again.

Thinking out loud

This week seams to be taking a long time to get through. I guess when you are bored it drags.

I seam to be staring into space a lot this week in a world of my own at work. I have a lot to think about, but dont seam to have much time at home to do any thinking. As always when i go to bed my mind works overtime, so have been very tired.

Today got better at work as it went on. I had supervision and have some work sorted out to do. Its not exactly thrilling but at least some of it is out of the office. i seam to of been chained to the desk the last 2 months.

I spent half an hour talking after supervision suprised nobody mentioned anything when i went back to my desk. Think they would know my response and it wouldnt be polite.

Suppose i have nothing to really complain about. I have a job it pays the bills just wish it was more exciting but nothing can really be done. There is just nothing currently we have that is interesting no matter how hard Jonathan (my line manager) tries to find something. Think he is fighting a losing battle at the minute.

ultimately i know i have to leave if i want to progress. There is just too much other stuff to sort out in my life 1st. still cant decide if i should have a complete career change, my last few jobs have turned me off computers at work. After the 1st few months there is just no challenge and not a lot of new things to learn. I used to love the feeling where you get up and look forward to going to work. Had that the 1st few months in this job and when i was at the red cross.

Keep thinking i would love to be a countryside ranger or something like that but i do love working on computers especially at home. If i could think of a way of combining them, then maybe that would be the perfect job?

The above probably sounds like me complaining yet again but not this time. I am just thinking out loud i guess. Cant write everything down the speed my brain jumps about there is no way a could type and keep up.

The biggest challenges are in my personal life. I have been honest and said how i feel. that was the major thing i decided when in Scotland had to say how i felt or would regret it for the rest of my life.

Another song comes to mind. The long and winding road. Think i am at the beginning of it but at least i have started out now.

i wont go into anymore of my personal stuff at the moment, they are gonna stay personal for now!

Hard but exciting

I think finally some of the things i have dreamt of and wanted for so many years maybe about to start.

This is going to be very vague as although i may often pour my heart out on here. There are still a few things i like to keep to myself.

There are a few things that happened the last few days that seam to be fitting into place. Even today, as an example i mentioned a few weeks ago that i might start to fix computer stuff for people to see how much business i could get. I havent mentioned it to anyone yet but today alone i was asked if i could sort out 3 computers.

There are a lot more things happening than that but gonna remain private for now.

Gonna be hard but ultimately exciting and what i want :-)

Poems and songs

Wish i could write music or write poems. What are songs if not poems set to music.

unfortanetly i have so much i would like to say just never know the words to use. I used to like reading some poems years ago which would probably suprise most people as i dont think i am seen as that sort of lad.

I am into music these days, i can often think of a song that says how i feel just a shame i couldnt write my own.

I can remember once sending a cd to someone to explain how i felt as i couldnt put it into words myself. Dont think they quite got the meaning even though i had spent hours picking the songs, they just liked the music so i found out later. Dont think they listened to the words.

For once though i cant think of a song to fit my mood.

Wasnt there a film with john cusack and jack black in where they did something similar?

Odd weekend

Its been a bit of an odd weekend, I was out on Friday night for the monthly work night out in Durham. It helped get some things sort of cleared up in my head or maybe I am now even more confused. When is my next holiday?

It took me quite a bit of Saturday to pull around, didn't drink much. I just quite often feel dehydrated now after a night out. I eventually pulled around and then went out with 2 of my best friends, Aaron and Jay who are brothers. It was for Aarons 30th birthday, which is today. We went out for a meal with a couple of his friends (Karen & Andrea), then went back to the Shoe to watch/listen to the band. Who were excellent, I saw them last year and they were even better this time. By the time the band finished though, I was getting a bit bored and felt out of place. So I wished Aaron happy birthday and walked home.

I had drunk all sorts, Champagne, Asti, red wine, lager, snakebite, cider, southern comfort and all sort of other stuff but I was completely sober. My plan of drinking quite a lot of orange and water during the day paid off and I wasn't dehydrated for a change.

The walk home was good as it gave me some time to think about some stuff which I will keep to myself. I thought this weekend might be a big weekend in some ways, think I was sort of right. I have mentioned before that now and again I have dreams that are like premonitions and they DO come true (as if I was watching a recording). On Saturday night I think I had another of those dreams. It involved the same person the last one I had contained. They don't happen very often these days, the last one came true a year ago (possibly to the day, when I think about it). It also contained going to Amulree where I went on Holiday a couple of weeks ago. It remains to be seen if it actually happens, would be a while before it does as it looked like it was a few months away.

I'm sure this makes me sound totally nuts (hell maybe I am) but they have come true too many times before to be ignored. Hope this one is right as well.

DVD Marathon

I was intending to go to the pictures this morning but couldn't get out of bed. So instead I have watched 4 films tonight. Three of which were Adam Sandler movies.


Happy Gilmore: I quite enjoyed this, it had been recommended to me a while ago. I suppose its much like most of Adam Sandlers movies I guess most of them have similar stories but who cares there are normally some laughs to be had and theya re feel good movies. This is the best of his 3 movies I watched today.


Anger Management: I'm never sure of what to make of Jack Nicholson in comedy roles. This is a fairly good movie but would recommend the other 2 Adam Sandler movies over it. But still worth watching if you like his movies.


Mr Deeds: This doesn't get a brilliant score on IMDB but I quite enjoyed it. Typical comedy, romance from Adam Sandler. Well worth a watch if you like these sorts of movies.


The Howling: The last movie I watched today was totally different to the others. This is a Werewolf horror from 1981. It was OK but there were some parts that were very slow. I think An American Werewolf in London is better. Although the changing into a werewolf was impressive especially for a 24 year old film.