The End

The Doors – The End

This is the end of this blog, well for the time being. I just haven't had the time to update it recently, after 1200 posts going back to February 9th 2005 I am stopping posting (at least for now). I am sure every now and again I will decide to post things on here and in some ways I have missed posting runs and walks which I know no one else was bothered about but this blog was always about me. I started it at a time when I kept everything inside and felt very low, this blog was a way of letting go and writing what I was feeling. Although when people who knew me started to read it, I could no longer truly write what I thought or felt.

I have come a long way personally in the last 2.5 years and changed beyond recognition at least to me. I went from being a very lazy, introverted at times, always out drinking with mates yet very lonely person. Now I feel more confident, fitter although not as fit as I was a few months ago. I have done so many things that 3 years ago I just wouldn't of experiences or even thought I ever would and there has been some incredibly hard times too. Below are a few posts I just looked back at, none of the posts below are newer than July 2006. Before anyone moans about the Friends bit, if your not on its because you probably never had a post just about you. Thinking about it this is exactly why I am stopping I have to think about what people reading this are gonna moan about.


Friends: Angelika, Wendy, Laura,
Scotland, more Scotland, more Scotland,
Parachute Jump: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
Bought a House: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9,
Random Posts: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11,
Music: 1, 2, 3,
Snowboarding
Running
Walking

I have made several attempts at getting organised (Organised, 2,) none have been successful. I am hopeful that the system I am trying now will help and it finally makes sense and appears to fit with me.

I intend if I get time to update/create some of my other websites. Flickr, stevenhorner.com, walking website maybe but for now I am taking a break.

Real life at the moment is far more important, I was told the other day that there had been a change in the way I am at work being more postive and it had been noticed. Others have just moaned that I'm not the same anymore, I don't care what others think, its how I feel and in general its good.

Thank you and goodbye!

Organising and where have I been?

I wrote a few posts ago that I probably wouldn't be writing on here as much, this must be about the longest break I've had over the last couple of years (13 days).

I'm not sure I should write everything for the whole world to read anymore. Yes I want to record my walks and runs on the internet for me, not for everyone else. The things in my head are possibly better kept to myself or if I feel I must write them down, keep the privatively. I don't know yet!

I will write a few things I've been up to over the last week, Monday last week I went to the lakes and walked up Scafell Pike from the bottom of the Hardknott Pass. The fog/cloud was terrible and I couldn't see anything on the top. I had decided to take an off track route up. A very bad idea in those conditions, as I found out as I was literally climbing up the side of Scafell Pike. I got a bit worried at one point but carried on regardless. I will probably post the route and stuff at some point.

I have put some weight on over the last few weeks and I don't like it. Lots of people have told me I needed to put weight on, one person who I don't know very well said I looked very gaunt and drawn. Maybe I did but I felt a lot better than I do now, I don't feel very motivated and have been getting worse over the last couple of months.

As I just said I have had a total lack of motivation recently, in everything. I find myself sitting doing nothing at home for hours which is very depressing. At work I have also found it hard to get interested in what I'm doing and have found myself putting sticking plasters on problems, because I haven't had the time to find proper solutions so they don't reoccur. I realised I was working from my inbox constantly waiting for the next thing to come in and deal with it. Even though I had loads of old emails and tasks just sat there waiting for me to do something with them.

I decided over the weekend that I needed to do something about my motivation and organisation at work. I have over the last 10 years or so tried most tech solutions to getting organised from PDAs, Mobiles phones, online calendars and task schedulers but there had been problems with every one of them. I have also tried a standard diary but a normal diary was too limiting and mine was too big.

I realised I needed to find something that was gonna work for me and the way I think and work. Going low-tech is the solution, I hope, after reading several articles over the weekend. I have ordered a FiloFax (yeah they still exist) but I intend to not just use it in the way most people would. I have also ordered "Getting Things Done" a book that has almost cult following among tech people. The way this works appeals to me and I'm hoping will start to sort me out. I intend to use some of the templates form DIY Planner instead of the standard stuff that comes in a FiloFax. This will take a while to implement but one thing I did start today was "Inbox Zero", its a very simple way to deal with your emails and it worked today. I felt so much better and had more time to concentrate on my work.

The guy behind the "Inbox Zero" idea gives presentations on it and I enjoyed (if thats the right word) watching his presentation at Google. Much better than reading through all the stuff on his website.



I'm not sure if any of this stuff will work because one of main problems is sticking with something, I become bored easily but if I can see this working I'm hoping I will stick at it. We will see over the next few weeks once I have everything in place and I tailor it to me.

Scotland Border Time Out

Tonight I decided I needed a drive out to clear my head and have a bit think. Ever since I got back from Canada I never seem to of gotten away to think. The only problem with tonight was I had to wait in for Tesco to deliver my shopping. So it was 10pm by the time I set off. I had already decided I was going to drive to the Scottish Border then turn around and come back.

It was 130 mile round trip, which took 3 hours. That was including going to Crook for Petrol (closed) and missing my turning off the A69 (head not with it).

I got the Scottish Border at 11:30 stopped to take a picture of the Stone saying Scotland (it was too dark though). Then turned around and came back. Going up it was like being on a rollercoaster going over the blind summits, in the dark and thick fog in places. I got back a few minutes ago (just before 1:00am)

Cleared my head a little bit I think, could probably do with a weekend walking too. Maybe I should take Monday off!

A few more

Here's a few more from when I was older...
For bigger versions go here

Old Photos

I started looking at old photos tonight, brought back lots of good memories. Set myself another task to scan all the old photos into the computer.

Here's a few baby photos of me, they are poor quality though.

Music

Its strange how music can influence how you feel and think. One of the most moving songs I've heard over the last few months was by Jeff Buckley:


Jeff Buckley – Hallelujah

Its not exactly the sort of music most people would think of me listening to, another that I used to totally hate but is now ingrained in my brain is:

Gary Jules – Mad World

U Couldn't Make This Shit Up

Fashionable

Even Beckham is wearing Iron Maiden T-Shirts these days. I was just reading that Maiden are doing a world tour next year, will keep an eye on it, gotta see them again. They will be playing all the 80's classics and will be travelling in their own plane painted with Eddie on the tail and Iron Maiden on the side. The pilot is Bruce Dickinson.

My New Car

This is my new car, just bought it from Holiways in Newton Aycliffe. It's a Ford F0cus 1.6 LX, I looked at a Zetec model but couldn't justify the extra money for front fog lights, alloys and heated wind screen. Cost me a bob or two, but its about time I had a decent car and as someone said to me the other week. I get paid money towards my car £65 for running costs and if I ever remember to put mileage claims in. it will help to cover the cost.

I pick it up on Thursday, it was registered in February so its only 7 months old.

Jay singing

Jay singing "Queen - I Want To Break Free", you can hear Kev "Bring the Guitar in.."

Getting Better

Its Getting Better All The Time, I hope it is anyway. I keep waiting for something to go wrong which is exactly how a friends sees her whole life. I don't want to be like that, she told me a few weeks ago that there was no point being positive because things always went wrong. If you think like that its inevitable that they will.

I'm sat with a bud at the computer, having just carried a free Dishwasher in to the kitchen. Iw as given it by the school where my mam works. They are getting a new kitchen, so I got the old dishwasher. It's not fitted in yet but can't complain for free :-)

I had thought about going to Stanhope show tomorrow with a mate but haven't got his new number, told me to get it off Jay but he's not replying to texts. If I was that bothered I could just walk around and see if he was still going tomorrow (obviously I'm not).

My dad has just asked me if I fancy going for a walk with them tomorrow, near hadrians wall. I might as well, otherwise I would probably sit on my arse most of the day until the England match. I need to get out and look for a new car ASAP.

Not sure what I'm doing Sunday yet, but I've taken Monday off so going for a walk :-)

My last post was about things being good and stuff generally is at the moment. This blog was about me writing things down that I found hard to say to people or was worried or upset about. I'm not sure how much I need it anymore. In recent weeks I've been using it less and less. Only a few walks have been recorded on it and they odd thought. Some personal things need to be kept to myself, those are being wrote in a personal blog/diary that isn't online. A lot of my life is recorded online anway by the following sites:

Last.FM - Just about any song I listen to is tracked here.
Facebook - Keep in touch with some friends here, when I can be bothered.
MotionBased - My runs and some walks are recorded here.

I will be creating a new walking site which will have my walks and possibly my dads on, that's when I get chance to sit down and concentrate on it.

So I'm not sure yet what I'm gonna do about this blog, I will continue for now but maybe not as much as I used to. I will most likely change my mind tomorrow and do about 10 posts, lol.

sweet

life in general is fairly sweet at the moment. It's about time things
started going my way. I just hope things keep going. Work is still
annoying the hell out of me, interesting things are always so close
yet just out of reach. If they finally happen, then life really would
be good :-)

North Yorkshire 3 Peaks Completed

Distance: 25.1 miles (GPS), 27 miles (Computer)

I walked the North Yorkshire 3 Peaks yesterday, I'm keeping this short because I'm off to watch TV in a minute. We completed the challenge in 11 hours (target is under 12). It's another thing to tick off my list :-)

You can see why I normally avoid my picture being taken below:

Me at the top of Inglebrough

Me at the top of Whernside

get fit

i need to get fit and lose some weight again. Well not really weight
but some fat. I've put on over half a stone since canada and clothes
feeling tight.
I got an email about receiving my race number and chip within the next
10 days for the great north run, i still haven't made my mind up
whether to do it. I really want to, i need to get a long run pushing
10 miles in the next 2 weeks to see how i go.
I have barely done any running since my heart problems and not sure if
i'm gonna get angry with myself if i can't run it as well as i want.
Having said that, that is usually when i'm at my best when i'm angry
with myself, fire myself up.

Greatest 80's Hair Metal Song?

Is Motley Crue - Kickstart My Heart, the greatest 80's Hair Metal Song. It is for this week anyway, it's totally stuck in my head :-)

Mötley Crüe – Kickstart My Heart

truth and confirmation can crush like only someone who has lost
something can understand.

Yet with the pain, a new era dawns.

sorry

sorry i probably just bored the fuck out of anyone stupid enough to
read that last post, unless they really like music, oops :-)

earphones

i have been using some sony earphones recently that i bought a couple
of years ago when listening to my mp3 players because i couldn't find
my etymotic research 6i earphones. I finally found them yesterday
after a few months.
Christ i forgot how good they are, yes they are expensive, more than
many peoples mp3 players. If you like music they are worth every
penny, its like listening to songs for the first time. You hear
instruments and things that you never heard before.
The sony buds are better than what most people use, think they cost
£30 about a third of the er6i's and that was a cheap price from the
usa. If i remember they were £110 in the uk, worth every penny :-)

Car

I've been thinking about a new car for a while after spending a fortune on mine over the last year. I just looked on Parkers Guide and got a shock at how little my car is now worth, not much more than I have spent on it over the last year :-(

I did also get a shock at how little a month it would cost me for a car that is either new or 1 year old paying over 4 years if I didn't have payment protection, costs about an extra £50 a month though with the protection.

I keep looking at a Suzuki Swift brand new but its probably too little, another Mondeo grandad car would cost me about the same but would be a year old.

The other thing that's put me off, is I really don't know if I want to have anything else tying me down. Then again after just thinking stuff through I'm not sure I would make much of a traveller I'm always ready for home after 2 weeks, lol.

where did it go?

i don't know what happened to the weekend, one minute it was friday
night and i was running, next i look at my phone and its 11pm on
sunday. Somewhere in between that i've done some gardening, cleaned
the house, read, paid some bills, watched lots of football. Watched a
film, spoke to some mates on the internet. Not much really, the
furthest i've been is a walk up the shop.

Should be a bit more happening this week, with a couple of meals and
hopefully a fair bit of running. I need to start a website i've been
wanting to do as well or i will never do it.

Think i will get back to my thrilling weekend and carry on reading...

The Doc Said...

I went to the doctors tonight and saw Dr Malone again, he was the doctor originally referred me to the cardiologist. I wasn't too sure what to make of him the first time but I liked him this time. Maybe because he was a runner as well, he's doing the Great North Run anyway.

I asked him about the tablets and how long I was going to be on them for, he said I would have to stay on them for quite a long time and said that it was kind of up to me. If after a year I'd had no problems and I decided I'd like to try without them then I could try it. He gave me a 3 months supply and said the Hospital only gave me 10 because the Hospitals don't want to pay for the medication.

I asked about the running and hiking. He said I was fine to do them but I will find it harder running and will get out breath sooner and find it harder than before because of the tablets. He used to be on the same ones. I was told to ask the specialist about other medication that would be better for running with when I eventually get the referral to James Cook Hospital. He didn't want to change the medication without the specialists recommending something else.

I see what he was on about finding running harder, haven't to stop my run tonight because of pins and needles which brought memories of Canada back. See earlier post tonight to see what I'm about.

Movies

I have watched another 3 movies over the weekend.
Eragon - 5 out of 10
Vacancy - 8 out of 10
Deja Vu - 8 out of 10

Eragon was the only dud the other were really good, I always like Denzel Washington films so knew I would like Deja Vu.

Die Hard 4

Live Free or Die Hard: Fantastic film, Computers, Action, John McClane, CCR & The Subways. Its gotta be my sort of film :-)

When I saw hackers at the beginning (crackers really), then heard the Subways playing I knew it was gonna be good. Threw in lots of action and the usual John McClane jokes and it still works even after about 20 years.

I gave it 9 out of 10 but maybe it should of been a 10. Just the daft bit with the plane!

Aborted Run

Distance: ran 2.8 miles (should of been nearly 4)
Time: 27 minutes to 2.8 miles
MotionBased

I had to abort tonights run a mile from the end because of pins and needles in my feet. This has only happened twice before on 2nd of June. Then a few minutes before my heart problems in Canada, so obviously I decided to walk. I walked from 2.8 miles (last arrow) for half a mile then stopped the timer on my watch it then shows a straight dotted line to end (not the exact path). I was trying to beat this run and was on course to do so, I was feeling OK. This is the hardest I have pushed my heart since the problems.

I think I can explain why the pins and needles happened. The Atenolol stops my heart beating so fast, but because I was pushing hard my heart was having to work more but was being blocked by the tablets from beating as fast as it needed to. So it couldn't pump enough blood to my extremities (my feet). This isn't good when I'm trying to improve my times and get fit for the Great North Run but fits with what the doctor told me, that will be in another post.

Short Test Run

Distance: 1.88 miles
Time: 19:09
Motionbased

I went for a very short run today, I set off thinking about doing a long run but I quickly realised that wasn't going to happen. It was hotter than I had realised, I always struggle when its hot. I decided it was best to do a short run, see how everything looked and felt. Then if all was well I could go out again tonight when its cooler and I have woke up.

My heart rate looks a lot better than it used to before taking Atenolol, more where you would expect it to be :-)

Hospital

I went to see the cardiologist at Bishop Auckland Hospital today, I had a couple of tests (ECG and Echo Cardiogram). The doctor said I needed the dose of the Atenolol cut to 50mg from the 100mg I have been taken. My heart rate was too low, no wonder I've been dozing off and been unable to concentrate.

I asked again if it was OK to go walking and running and he said yes although not today. My mother who was there because she had driven me asked about hiking because I wanted to go to the lakes. He then wasn't so sure and said he didn't think it was a good idea to go up mountains. I think he must of thought I was gonna be hanging off some mountain, if I'm OK to run then I'm OK to go to the lakes as far as I'm concerned.

He reckons I must of been scared when on the roller coaster and that was the problem. Everyone I see tells me something different. The things I have done and been through in recent times were a lot more scary than going on a roller coaster so don't believe his theory. Especially when I was fine until a few minutes after it.

Hot Fuzz

Hot Fuzz: I've been wanting to watch this for a while but thought it might not live up to my expectations. I was right for most of the film but in the last 30 minutes loads of actions happened and I ended up really enjoying the movie.

I didn't really laugh until the last 30 minutes, I'd already logged into IMDB ready to rate the movie 6, then all the action happened. My vote has been changed to 8 :-)

Off to Hospital

I'm off to Bishop Auckland Hospital today to see a Cardiologist. I got a call yesterday to say they had put extra sessions on this week, so there was an appointment available for me.

The appointment is 2 o'clock and I've got to take a bottle of piss (urine sample).

So hopefully I will get a couple of questions answered, fingers crossed anyway.

Powaqqatsi

Powaqqatsi: I decided I needed a thinking film and put this on. Its more a visual documentary I guess, there are no words only pictures and some music.

It wasn't all I had hoped, maybe I was spoiled when I watched Baraka. I haven't found anything in this genre to come close to that movie.

The plot outline of this is: "An exploration of technologically developing nations and the effect the transition to Western-style modernization has had on them."

I gave it a 6 out of 10 but I was left feeling disappointed but did get me thinking though.

Click

Click: I sat and watched this tonight and enjoyed it. I normally like Adam Sandler movies, you know what you getting. This especially struck a cord because of things I've been going over in my head.

If you've seen the film, you may not what I'm on about. If not go and watch it. I gave it 8 out of 10 probably because it fitted my mood and thoughts :-)

Kate Beckinsale looked gorgeous as well!

Music Lists

Anyone who has known me for a while, should know I like my music and anyone who has looked at this blog a few times will also know how I regularly make lists (rarely do anything on them though). At the moment I'm trying to make 2 music lists which are incredibly hard. My Top 100 Songs and My Desert Island Discs. I have just about every song for the Top 100 but can't decide on the order. The Desert Island Discs is about finished as well, just gotta decide between a couple of songs.

Just because people sometimes think I can be morbid, I'm also doing a short list to be played when I die. Thought about this one for a lot of years, lol.

For some of the songs I feel I should have a description of why and what it means to me, hmm very hard.

I Am...

Am I Wembley?

This is all part of my masterplan, now no one will have any idea what the fook I am on about, lol!

Grow Your Own

I cooked myself some Balsamic Steak Stir Fry, I got the recipe off the Tesco site. It was very nice although my mam interupted me while I was at the end of the cooking. She started going on about my vegetables being ready to pick.

So I quickly ate my stir fry, so much for being given chance to enjoy your food. Then went out and lifted some of my potatoes. I have 3 types of potatoes but only lifted 1 today, "Maxine". They are red skinned potatoes, wasn't a bad crop for 3 plants.

I also picked a cabbage but its not great most of the cabbage plants have been badly eaten by stuff. I didn't want to use any chemicals on any of the plants though. I tried some peas as well but they need a little bit longer to fatten. The strawberry was nice but was only 1 ripe. Oh forgot about the Courgettes I picked another 4 :-)

Transformers

Transformers: I went to see this tonight at the Metro Centre with some free tickets I'd been given. I really enjoyed it, lots of action and sort of like reliving my youth. Although they had updated some of the characters a bit to make them look more modern.

I found myself in the beginning recognising various people from TV Shows like Las Vegas, 24, X-files...

I gave the movie 8 out of 10, worth going to see :-)

too much thinking time

now i am starting to relax i think i have too much time to think. It
was probably a bad idea to listen to REM but ended up with tears in my
eyes remembering when i first reached the hospital in Toronto. I was
wheeled in to the hospital and stopped in what looked like a corridor
i could see at least one other person on a bed further over from me.
It was hard to tell because there was so many people around me. I
looked up at the monitor and think it read 218bpm. I looked to my left
at a couple of the medical staff, i thought i could see worry and
slight panic in their eyes. That's when i thought is this it, am i
gonna end my days in a corridor, in a strange country, alone. Kay was
there somewhere behind me i think and i was surrounded by medical
staff but not exactly anyone there who loved me or doing something i
love or spectacular. Didn't want to go like that. In reality i was
probably never anywhere near that happening but i didn't know that
then and still don't know now.

Although it sounds bad this is what i hoped would happen now while i'm
off. I don't mean die, lol. I wanted to actually take in what happened
and go over it in my head. Since it happened, its been like a
whirlwind, never getting chance to just sit and take stock. When i was
telling people what happened it was like i was telling a story about
someone else, not me.

The days after getting out of the hospital i was being constantly told
my faults, of which i have many. Maybe it was the right time to tell
me or maybe not, i think i was absent from my body most of the time
while in canada. No i wasn't on drugs, except the same ones the doc
has me on now. What i'm on about is i just wasn't myself. Still not
entirely sure why. Partly the tablets, partly not wanting to offend,
lots of reasons...

I need to stop writing stuff like this on here and keep it to my other
blog that only i have access to.

Hopefully now i am starting to take things in, i can make some
decisions rather than avoiding such things.

Not a lot

I haven't done a lot today. I filled out my travel insurance claim form and had to go to the doctors to ask for the original invoice I had been given in Canada. The insurance needed originals, I had taken a copy of it and handed it to the doctor because it had a break down of all the tests they had done.

The surgery said they had attached it to the referral letter to the Cardiologist, which was still upstairs because the letter had only been signed yesterday. So they had spent nearly 2 weeks and hadn't even sent it off yet, there is a postal strike tomorrow, so the earliest its gonna get there is Friday. They said it took about a month, I'm presuming that wasn't including taking 2 weeks to do the letter.

Not too keen on driving anywhere during the middle of the day anymore, I had to drive down to Crook twice to do with my insurance letter and felt very very tired both times. I'm pleased it was only 1.5 miles each way.

I spent a bit of time scanning my documents into the computer today, so I could find them easily if I wanted. I can do a search for bills and anything I've scanned in now. When I set it up I would be able to login from the Web and view stuff from anywhere in the world if I needed to, like I'm gonna be going anywhere, lol.

I would of liked to of gone to the lakes but don't think I'm safe driving that far at the momentm although If I drive early or late I would be OK.

relaxing day

i decided i would have a relaxing day today, which is what i needed. I
had been thinking about going walking to the lakes but probably not
the best idea driving there with my tendency to want to sleep at the
moment. I got up late which isn't suprising when i was still listening
to music at 2am. I spent a while sitting in the sun with the parents.
Sat in my yard tonight eating my tea in the sun as well. Makes a
change for me to just sit when at home. I always think i should be
doing something. Had thought about going off somewhere tomorrow but if
weather is crap i might have a day watching films, haven't done that
in ages :-)

Off Sick

I rang and made an appointment at the doctors today, I decided there was something up with me. I know I haven't got the best memory but I kept forgetting everything. I would forget halfway through a conversation what I was on about and constantly forgot what people were telling me at work. In the middle of the day I could of dozed off.

The doctor told me its a side effect of the tablets and basically told me I had a choice. I could carry on taking the tablets and not have any heart problems or stop taking the tablets and possibly have another heart incident like in Canada.

I may not of had any problem if I'd stopped taking them but until I see the cardiologist I'd rather not take any chances, so I chose to stay on the tablets and be off work sick. I was given a 2 week sick note, I probably wont of seen the Cardiologist by then but the doc said that often the tablets side effects wear off after a few weeks. So I could be fine by then...

My perfect sick record has gone out of the window but I don't care. My health is more important than some stupid work sickness record which you get no thanks for!

I don't want to sit on my arse during the next 2 weeks, I feel worse when sat doing nothing. When exercising I am more alert. I may go to the lakes tomorrow but not sure whether to leave it for a couple of days and have a lie in tomorrow, to make up some of the 3 days worth of sleep I lost over the last 2 weeks. Tons of stuff to do around the house, which could be a safer bet than driving to the lakes. Don't want to fall asleep at the wheel like I wasn't far off doing in Canada a couple of times.

still worn out

i still feel totally worn out most of the time. So i'm gonna ring the
doctors in the morning and see about getting an appointment tomorrow.

I just don't know whether i've not caught up and missed sleep, body
hasn't had chance to recover or if its the tablets or a combination of
all 3.

The tablets appear to be helping to lower my heart when exercising. My
heart is about 50 bpm lower than it always was before when running or
hiking, it's at more normal levels. I read up a bit on the tablets and
they shouldn't really affect of when not doing anything they lower the
heart when it starts beating faster i think it said by lowering
testosterone levels or something like that.

The last week i've been unable to concentrate on anything and haven't
been able to recall names and stuff that was just mentioned to me.

First Run After Hospital

Distance: 3.07 miles
Time: 38 minutes
Max Heart Rate: 156 bpm
Average Heart Rate: 134 bpm

I decided to go for my first run since my heart problems, I went out running with Neil from work around the regular dinner time run. He'd done it about 3 times while I was away.

I wasn't sure how I was going to hold up but got a huge surprise when my heart rate stayed low, at a rate that you would expect someone at my fitness level to have. My heart has always been really high above the normal heart rate zones. Today though it barely got into zone 4, this must been due to the beta blockers, I didn't run as fast as I normally would either but even so my heart still would of been beating a lot faster in the past.

I still think the beta blockers are making me tired though, still feel totally worn out :-(

Link to MotionBased

theory

i have a theory as to why i'm feeling so tired. I have been doing a
test with my forerunner using the heart rate monitor. As i write this
is tells me my heart rate is 46 bpm, it went down to 42 for a while
before when i was doing nothing.

My theory is when i take the beta blockers they are lowering my heart
rate even more, which is what they are supposed to do. Yet because my
resting heart rate is low in the first place its making it really low
and making me very tired.

I took the tablet at about 7:30 this morning but by dinner time i just
wanted to sleep. I didn't feel quite so bad when i was wandering
around stockton office but once sat in the car i felt tired again, the
same at home.

I feel awake now but i would imagine the tablet is about worn off. I
will test the theory tomorrow by wearing my heart monitor and
regularly checking it. If when sat working i feel really tired will
make a note of how low the heart rate is!

Sickness

2 people today have mentioned about not getting any prizes for having a perfect sick record. Don't know why I bother you get fuck all.

Pissed off with more discrepancies at work between areas, its getting ridiculous.

Will see how I feel tomorrow as to whether I christen the sick record, but knowing me I will be in as normal no matter how I feel. I am planning to run tomorrow dinner time as well. So see how things go...

Not feeling the best

I was going to work through my dinner today other than eating a nice dinner that Helen from HR picked up for me but I feel crap. So I decided I spend a few minutes writing on here.

I feel unbelievably tired and finding it hard to concentrate on anything. What's worse though is my chest feels a bit funny, not like when I went to hospital. It just feels bruised or aching, I described it as if I'd been punched and I was bruised but not sure that's the best analogy. Maybe more like your muscles would after exercise, just aching.

Not about to keel over (I hope), not that I actually keeled over in Canada. Think I'm just worn out, which isn't surprising having missed hours and hours of sleep recently. Last night was the first time I've had a normal nights sleep since getting back but feel worse for it.

I've been considering going home sick for the last couple of hours but pointless now, only a few hours to go...don't wanna mess up my perfect sick record either.

Roddymoor Village Hall Meeting

I went to a meeting in the village hall tonight. It was discuss the future of the hall and supposedly a presentation of the opening of the playing field. Other than members of the comitee or other organisation there was only 4 of us. 3 of them were me, my mam and my dad.

It shows no one is bothered, basically its because no one has any faith in any of them and as my dad said people feel they are like a secret society and no one knows what the hell is going on.

I thought about mentioning that I own www.roddymoor.co.uk and www.roddymoor.com which could use to put information on but decided to say nothing for now to see what response comes back from the door to door questionnaires that are going to be carried out. My dad is going to do 2 streets. I think most people wont be bothered or wont be prepared to do anything.

Simon Kernick - Relentless

Just finished reading this book, I read the first half on the flight back home. If you like thrillers, its a worthwhile read. Set in the UK, there are some daft bits but it kept me reading.

I'd give it 4 out of 5

Toronto Run

Distance: 3.23 miles
Max Heart Rate: 206 bpm
Average Heart Rate: 192 bpm

This was the only run I managed to do when on Holiday unfortunately. My heart rate dropped a long way then rose again nearer the end because I had to stop for traffic lights, then I walked a short stretch before starting again.

I wish I had managed to get another run in Toronto and one in each of the other places I stayed, next time :-)

The Good Stuff

Most of my posts from Holiday were very negative, well there was some good bits. So here they are:

CN Tower

We went up the CN Tower which is the tallest building in the world and walked on the glass floor and enjoyed the views.

Beats & Breaks Competition

On the Waterfront in Toronto, watching what we call breakdancing but they said should be called B Bopping. It was fantastic to watch, went back the second day to see the finals.

Whale Watching
I drove up to Tadoussac (1000km from Toronto) so we could go whale watching it was definitely worth it. We went on a boat ride and saw lots and lots of whales. I enjoyed the whole time in Tadoussac, from the nice posh meals to the fabulous views.

Meals
Anyone who knows me, knows how I eat nothing and am very fussy. I decided before going to Canada that I was going to try as many different foods as possible. I can't remember ever saying no to anything and even had cheese which I normally hate. I don't think there was anything I didn't like. A lot of the meals were quite posh but really enjoyed all of the food, even continued the food exploration by going to a proper sit down indian on Friday night once I was home.

Shout Out Out Out Out
I had almost forgot about this, after watching the breaks and beats competition we watched Shout Out Out Out Out who are a Canadian dance group who have 2 drummers and 4 bass players. They sound very different but enjoyed the music and at the end we turned around and there was a huge Fireworks display on.

Flight Home
This might sound bad, but I was pleased to go home so it was a relief when flying but more what I intended when writing "Flight Home" was the fabulous sun rise I watched and while this was happening a plane flew past us which made the sun rise look even more dramatic.

Montmorency Falls
We never made it to Niagra but at least we got to see a waterfall and this was impressive :-)

Accommodation
Some of the accommodation we stopped in was excellent, I think the best was Montreal but maybe thats because they had free Wi-Fi. No it was because the room was very nice and the owner Richard was incredibly helpful. The places we stayed in Toronto and Tadoussac was also really good. Shame Quebec and Kingston didn't match up, 3 out of 5 isn't bad though.

People
Almost everyone we met when in Canada was very friendly, helpful and laid back. That is one of the things I think both of us would take as a positive from Canada.

Run
I managed to get 1 run in before I was unable to, I really enjoyed this running through High Park and down to the the shore of Lake Ontario. I only did just over 3 miles but had intended to do more over the following days.

No more

Right now I finished the last huge post, I'm not writing about what happened with heart again. Unless it's something new!

Heart Explanation

Hopefully this will be the last time I write about my heart for a while but I realised I never wrote what exactly happened, so here goes...

We went to Canada's Wonderland by tube and bus, it was very hot (35+c). I had drank a couple of bottles of water that morning but threw away the last of it when entering Wonderland because they wouldn't allow drinks in. We went straight to the Top Gun rollercoaster, only stopping to take 1 photo for Kay in front of a waterfall.

We joined the queue for Top Gun, which took about an hour before we got on the ride. It was very hot waiting in the queue with very little shade. I felt OK though just a bit hot.

It was the first time I'd been on a rollercoaster for a few years, but just felt the same as I had in the past. A little nervous as you climb to the top of the first drop but then after that it was fine. I got off feeling OK, Kay was complaining about her head being thrown about while on the ride but I was OK. We walked off the ride and walked up past the screens showing the videos of the ride. We watched 30 seconds or so of us before carrying on towards the next ride. Just after this I started to get pins and needles again in my feet and hands. I had mentioned this to Kay when first climbing on the rollercoaster.

I then started to feel very hot and was sweating, also realised my chest was tight. I started to feel very weak. I told Kay I needed to go to the toilet. I sat in the toilet for a couple of minutes trying to pull myself around and throwing water on myself. I decided I couldn't stay there any longer so went out to meet Kay, I walked a few yards to meet her and told her I needed to sit down for a bit. We then moved a bit further and I said I needed to sit again before going on another ride. I could tell Kay was pissed off with me, so told her to go on the ride while I sat down for a while. She said no, I got a drink and shortly after drinking it was sick a couple of time.

Kay said I must have heat stroke or something but I hadn't mentioned about the tight chest, hadn't really thought about it. She tried to make me drink more water but I just couldn't. I managed to have a bit more but just threw it up again. Kay said we should go inside where it was air conditioned. I struggled to walk to the building which was only about 100 yards away. I bought 2 more drinks, then on the way to the seats threw up again and rushed to the toilet. I had no idea what was going on.

I came out of the toilet and sat down, Kay said we couldn't sit here all day and said we should go to the medical centre. I followed her but it felt like we walked miles, it was probably about 1/4 of a mile. We got there and said we thought I might be dehydrated, they took me through and laid me on a bed while they checked my vitals. The lad couldn't find my pulse and looked quite worried, he called over another man who was a paramedic. He checked me out and again looked worried, he hooked me up to a monitor and took my blood pressure. He was then even more worried asked them to call an ambulance. I was still talking away fine to them and Kay but was having problems controlling my breathing and my chest was tighter.

The ambulance arrived and they transfered me onto a stretcher and I got wheeled into the ambulance, it all felt a bit surreal. The Paramedic tried to put a IVF in my arm but had problems. He tried 4 times while on the way to the hospital, he got the driver to pull over at one point to try. He still couldn't manage it, this was to become a common problem when ever anyone tried to take blood (which was lots). Eventually we arrived at the hospital and I could see my heart beat on the screen and could see it was 218. I could see the panic in peoples eyes, when they had struggled to get a line into me. At that moment I thought maybe I was about to die, as my chest felt tighter than ever and people were talking about heart attacks and that it had been going on for about 3 hours. It didn't feel that long to me but Kay said it started at 1 and it was now 4 :-(

I wasn't worried about dying but it went through my head about how it would affect my parents and I felt upset for them. I had no idea what was going on and people kept telling me different things, basically it was because they didn't know. They gave me some Aspirin to chew for a second time because I had just thrown up again. I had tried to warn them that I was gonna be sick again but no one had taken any notice. There was lots of people around me and I think we must of been in a corridor or something. Someone I think the paramedic told me to bear down as if going to the toilet. I tried and then shortly after my heart rate started to gradually slow and the my chest didn't feel quite so tight.

The next few minutes are a slight blur but I ended up in A&E sat up in the bed talking to Kay and a doctor or some medical person. While I was in A&E they attached me to a saline drip and took blood a few times (struggling to take the blood). I also had to give them a urine sample, I was constantly having to answer the same questions from different people. I was beginning to get annoyed with everyone asking me if I had taken drugs. I was sick of telling them I had never taken drugs in my life, but they didn't appear to believe me.

At one point a female doctor (I think), said that I was in a bad way and that there appeared to be problems with my kidneys and liver as well as my heart. I sat there waiting to wake up from the nightmare, it just didn't feel real. I was the fittest I've ever been in my life and much healthier than most people I know. Yet here I was sat in hospital in a foreign country where no one knew what was wrong with me, least of all me.

I was in A&E for quite a while, I said Kay should go as it was getting later and she was going to have problems getting back to the B&B because we had no idea where we were. She said she would wait a bit longer, I felt really bad for her and really guilty :-(

I eventually had to give my credit card and after a while they said they were moving me to a private room upstairs. The room had a tv and a phone and thought it might not be too bad if I could watch TV. Once I was in the room we asked for some directions on how Kay could get a bus back, she got some very vague instructions from a nutty nurse, then Kay went.

I tried the TV but it had a message about contacting TV Services, I asked the nutty nurse who just mumbled about getting it sorted if I was in there was for 3 or 4 days. I realised it was going to be a very long boring night. During the night a nurse came about every hour to take blood and struggled each time getting the blood. I got up and went to the toilet dragging my drip and wires behind me. When I got back in bed the nurse turned up saying my readings had gone very high, I tried to explain that I'd gone to the toilet but she didn't understand. I then got sick of all the noise of people walking past. So got up again and stretched across the room to close the door but I could reach with my hand because of the drip. So I stretched my leg across to close it. I could see my heart rate going higher again (still not bad). The nurse turned up once I was back in bed again, leaving the bloody door open I'd just shut.

I must of dosed off for a couple of minutes because I suddenly woke up with a doctor leaning over me. He told me various things, which I now can't remember and eventually he said he was moving me to CCU (Coronary Care Unit) where there would be 1 to 1 nursing. So at about 1:30am I got moved to CCU and I can sort of remember a black nurse saying hello my name is Marigold. I think I got about 30 minutes sleep that night. I was starving by the morning as all I had eaten was some breakfast the day before. I thought I hadn't been allowed to eat so hadn't said anything but did now. They got me some breakfast and i met a new nurse called Adaline, she was really nice. I spent another night in there and during the day got introduced to Dr Blakely by Cardiologist. He was going on about heart by passes and how good of a success rate they have with heart operations and stuff. I sat there thinking it can't be that bad what is he going on about. I said could I leave that day but he said he wanted to keep me in another night :-(

Adaline was really good during the day but she went off shift later than she was supposed to at about 9pm. The next nurses in the unit weren't so nice and told me off for going to the toilet, which Adaline had let me do rather than using a bottle. she also moaned at me for not having mentioned about food. I thinks he was called Helen, when I tried to use a bottle my heart rate went high. Mainly because you struggle to use the thing in bed and you have people constantly coming in (stage fright as well). I couldn't hold off any longer by the early morning so spent ages trying to go to the toilet without my heart rate going up. I knew they wouldn't let me out if it did.

The following morning Adaline was back again and she got an English doctor who used to work in the unit to come and speak to me and explain things better. She also got me to wear a portable monitor and walk around the ward because I said I wanted to leave. She said the only way that would happen was if I could prove I was OK by walking about. So I did and I was fine.

Eventually Blakely came in later in the morning and he was told I'd been fine overnight and that I'd been walking around with no problems. I told him I wanted to leave because I was going to Montreal the following day. He wanted me to stay another night but I said I wanted to leave. Adaline had collared the other Cardiologist in the lift to get a second opinion and he thought I would be fine to leave. So the 2 Cardiologists discussed it and agreed I could leave. I waited around for ages for my Discharge summary but eventually got it.

I must say the Canadian Health care is a lot better than ours. I had lots of test, 3 Chest X-rays, Echo sounds, ECGs, Blood and urine tests and loads more all within 48 hours. It would take weeks for all of these in the UK if not months. As an example I've been told it will take about a month for the referral to see a Cardiologist in the UK.

Here's the Discharge Summary with the Diagnosis of Supraventricular Tachycardia:

Click it for readable version, not that it will make much more sense.

tomorrow

i was intending to go to the lakes tomorrow or today now i guess but
the way the weather has been and because i'm shattered i've decided
against it.

I need to do some exercise tomorrow to give my heart a test but not
sure what yet.

I've got loads of stuff to do around the house but just feel worn out.
I don't think the tablets are helping, think they are making me more
lethargic than normal.

Anyway hopefully i might finish sorting my holiday stuff tomorrow, maybe...

last night

i went out for jays birthday last night. There was only us 2 until
late on. We ended up going to spice corner a sit down indian. I bought
jays meal for him as his birthday present, we never get each other
anything usually other than a drink. So i continued my culinary
exploration by trying an indian. I actually enjoyed it.

Afterwards we met up with aaron, jays brother. Then a bit later wayne
and mick. Oh and the ex lisa was also out and ended up sitting with
us.

We had a good night until we went to bar 56 where jay got accused of
dealing drugs because he shook a lads hand. We weren't happy and it
ruined the night, i was fuming and about put my fist through a toilet
door. Soon calmed down though :-)

Tonight

I went out tonight for Jay's Birthday, it was very quiet. We were both hungry so we decided to go for an Indian and I actually ate Indian food. We had a good night but it went down hill when Jay got accused of drug dealing in Bar 56 by the bouncers who know him quite well. Jay shook someones hand who he hadn't seen for months.

I was very angry and eventually I put my fist through a toilet door, which was better than the bouncers head I guess. We went home not long after, although I was a lot calmer by then...

Update on my Heart

Well I have one, although I thought it was broke a long time ago ;-)

I went to see a doctor now I'm back home this morning. Before I went I re-read my discharge Summary and it has a bit in BOLD at the bottom saying DIAGNOSIS which I managed to totally not read.

The Diagnosis: Supraventricular Tachycardia.

I told the doctor roughly what had happened and passed him all the paperwork I was given, he said he would need to read through it all and would refer me to a cardiologist. This could take a few weeks, he gave me a prescription for Atenolol which I have been taking since I left the hospital.

I asked if there was anything I had to stop doing and specifically asked about running and hiking. He said no I could carry on doing anything I liked but when running I probably wont be able to run as far and will get out breath sooner due to the Atenolol (bollocks). He then said I may wish to hold off the running until I've seen the Cardiologist but I didn't have to.

He said I would probably be fine and may not have anything like it again, sometimes people never have another episode. Which sounds good to me!

This fits with what they were more or less saying in Canada. They thought it was brought on by being dehydrated, then going on the roller coaster. I read a little on Supraventricular Tachycardia (SVT) on Wikipedia and one way they suggested to stop it was to bear down (as if going to the toilet). This is what they got me to do when I got to the hospital, which is when my heart started to slow down. Before this they were talking about restarting my heart.

The Paramedic came to see me when I was laid in A&E after my heart had slowed down and he told me that if it ever happened again, to bear down. So I will remember that and hopefully wont ever need to!

So I now await the Cardiologist referal which will probably take weeks (the glorious NHS).

I've decided to go walking in the lakes this weekend on my own, probably Sunday. I need some time away on my own to go through what has happened to me.

More stuff later

I should be uploading the rest of my pictures this afternoon and a couple of videos. I'm off to the doctors at 11:30, hopefully they can explain stuff a bit better to me...

Back Home

Just a very short post to say I home and pleased to be back. I've had some good times as well as some frightening but more on them another time.

the final countdown

i am into the last 24 hours of my holiday. This time tomorrow i should
be in the plane on my way home. I am really looking forward to it, its
been no normal holiday.

I know anyone reading this will think it has been constant misery. It
hasn't, there have been some great times. Kay just asked me what was
going to be the most memorable things from the holiday. I said
obviously the hospital, then trying lots of different food and the
whale watching. There is also watching the be-bopping, the driving
which was an adventure. Today there was also the falls in quebec.

Kay thought my memory would be cheese besides for hospital. Eaten it most days.

I have been quite angry a lot of the time, having to bite my tongue.
It's no wonder i was quiet most of the holiday, some people are just
so annoying. I'm sure kay will say the same and probably a lot worse.

I can't really be bothered to write anymore tonight, because i'm tired
from the driving again. I drove over 400 of the 600kms today. I found
it more stressfull when kay tried driving today. I was pleased when i
took over the wheel again.

I have 300km to drive back to toronto tomorrow. Will drop the car off,
then get the subway and bus to the airport. I would of just got a taxi
but kay isn't keen after the drive from the airport.

Suppose i should try to sleep. I will write everything up properly and
be more positive once safely home :-)

never wrong

some people think they are never wrong. Their way is always the right
way and wont admit it when they make a mistake. I think this is one of
the worst things people could posses.

what a day

spent the day until 3pm in tadoussac which was great going around the
whale museum. Watching the whales from the shore oh and i ate cheese
again. Wasn't keen on it though. No val i am not eating pizza i've
been eating posh food, not pizza. I'm determined to carry on hiking
even if it does kill me. Which i'm sure it wont but will be happier
when i find out what's going on with my body.

After tadoussac i drove to quebec city, i offered the keys to Kay but
the wanted me to drive out of tadoussac and over the ferry but then
there wasn't anywhere nice and easy for her to start from. Then it
rained and we went the scenic route, which was narrow and windy. She
then had a go coz i hadn't let her drive. She never said, can i drive
now or anything, so i wasn't very happy.

We stopped at a tourist information place on the outskirts of quebec
and got directions. But when we got into quebec there was roads closed
off everywhere. We knew where we wanted to be but had no way to get
there. Kay started to have panic attacks and feeling ill. Thank god it
was me driving!

In the end we had to park the car quite a long way from the hotel and
walk in. We spent 2.5 hours driving around quebec :-(

We got into the hotel and it wasn't what we hoped. Once we got to the
room kay broke down in tears. I just wanted to teleport home. I can't
deal with my own emotions nevermind someone elses.
I wanted to give her a hug but didn't want to overstep the mark. She
just wanted me to talk but what the hell do i say?
Thought she might crack me one if i gave her a hug.

Eventually when went out for something to eat and had a very nice
meal. My starter was vegetable soup, main was duck, baked potato and
something else cant remember what. Then had black forest gatau. Washed
down with coffee and 1 litre of red wine we shared.

We don't have any of our slothes or wash things because they are in
the boot and the car park is locked up when we went at midnight :-(

If i stayed slightly drunk me and kay might get on better because i
talk constantly but at other times i say nowt. Although i have been
hungry most of the time, which means i become quiet and have no
energy. I have lost more weight over the holiday.

Sounds like kay has gone to sleep as she is making some funny noises,
not snoring. Just stopped. Last night i woke up and she was giggling
away but she had no idea what about when i asked her earlier tonight.

thanks and getting better

thanks for the comments :-)

I drove up to tadoussac yesterday from Montreal, its just as well i
like driving. Most of the roads are horrible flat straight things.
They got lots better after quebec city when we hit the mountains. We
had no map for the route here other than looking at some wall map.
Luckily i remembered what it looked like and guessed the way here. I
think kay was stressed not knowing where we were but i got up here.

Tadoussac is fantastic it looks beautiful, i will take some pictures
today. We went whale watching yesterday and saw lots and lots of
whales.

We then went to a fancy restaurant last night that mixed some strange
flavours but it worked. No one would believe i have eaten cheese 4
times on this holiday. No wonder i ended up in hospital, lol.

I hear i have been upstaged at work by christine who had to have an
operation on holiday.

Well i have to go for breakfast soon, so bye for now.

montreal

we arrived in montreal later than expected expected due to sorting
travellers cheques and the hire car. I drove all of the 600km, it was
a lot better than i expected. I had been dreading it. Kay didn't seem
to want to volunteer either. Left her the duty of map reading which
i've decided isn't her thing either no matter what she says. She got
very flustered when heading into montreal. So i pulled in and entered
the route into google maps on the phone from where we had pulled over
to the b and b, it then took about 5 minutes if that to get there.

The guy who owns the place was very helpful and told up the best
places to go and we ended up in a great restaurant.

I feel fine after my heart problems but i'm trying to take it easy. I
haven't told kay the couple of times my chest has felt a little tight,
nothing bad and it wasn't over my heart either. I do feel just normal,
but has made me look back over things from the last couple of years.

The hardest thing about this holiday other than the heart is me and
kay. We just haven't got much to talk about. She thinks its just of
being miserable or lacking conversation skills, its more i bite my
tongue rather than saying what i'm thinking usually random thoughts.
When i do say them she looks at me like some kind of idiot. Not sure
if this is the best place to write this but have told her this and
more over the last day but conversation is still hard and she would
totally agree and sure she is pissed off.

I have learnt plenty of stuff about myself, which i already knew but
confirmed in my head.

I always said i would die young but not just yet...

I know kay is really pissed off with me because of being in hospital.
She has joked it but i know she really is. I don't blame her because
i'm really pissed off about not seeing niagra falls :-(

Disaster strikes

I just wrote this out once and hit the wrong button and wiped the lot.
This is gonna be a short summary then as its late.
On monday we went to wonderland, after the first ride i ended up in
the medical centre with what turned out to be a problem with my heart.
I got sent to hospital by ambulance where i spent the next 2 nights. I
just got out earlier today after requesting some more opinions or i
would still be in there.
My arms look like i am a junkie because they've taken so much blood
and had the ivf in me and injected me a few times.
They suspected a heart attack at first but have ruled it out now but i
have got some heart problem which will need further tests in the uk.
I am driving to montreal tomorrow which isn't the best thing to be
doing i guess.

Kay has been getting 2 subways and 2 buses each way to visit me in
hospital and even lent me her sudoko book. She's been great, this was
supposed to be a relaxing holiday to help her get over her stress at
work :-(

She has just gone to sleep, so has stopped giving me grief for
tonight. The worst thing is we have never got the chance to see
niagra, bollocks!

The hospital experience cost me $6300 which should be refunded by
travel insurance, kay has spoke to them a couple of times.

I guess when i get back i am going to have to review a lot of the
activities i do. Running, hiking, etc. This is gonna kill me nevermind
whatever the problem is with my heart. I love walking but until i know
for certain whats wrong i should try not to look on the black side of
things.

Will try to write more when i get chance...