Breakdown

I was ready to breakdown today, just couldn't hold out any longer. Been keeping it together for nearly 3 weeks now. Then somethings that happened today was just the final straw. I went for a drive out to try to clear my head but at times was fighting to stop myself from breaking into tears.

Finally decided I couldn't keep driving and had to pull over but when I was looking for somewhere a friend rang me and helped me. I didn't mention to them how I was feeling but they would of known I was upset. They helped me whether they realise it or not (thank you).

Even with everything I still tried to find humour and joke with them.

I have always been someone who has been strong and kept everything in, I used to explode with rage every so often but have managed to stop that but now I just don't know anymore. My defence mechanism was friends but most of them have been taken away for now. Think thats why today I thought I was gonna burst into tears (but at the last second stopped myself).

Really don't know what will happen if I cry, think thats it. To me its like giving in, people say it helps but it wouldn't in this case. Pretty much destroy me, although others seam to be doing a good job of that anyway.

The only thing that kept me on track was remembering that in reality I still have it good. The person who rang me mentioned an accident in the park at Chester-le-Street, compared to some unfortunate people there and their families I still have it good.

I have another tough day tomorrow, if I can just get past that then I really don't care anymore.