Alone, upset but still determined

I have just looked back to a post I made in February 2005, this is what I wrote:

"The last few weeks ive been feeling really down, not been totally sure why. Most of it has been due to work.
It had got to the point where i really didnt want to go. I mean where it crossed my mind not to turn the wheel at the next corner. Would never do that but worried me that it crossed my mind. Couldnt go on feeling like that."

I now feel lower than I did at the time I wrote that. I wrote the other day that sometimes you could curl up and cry, that's certainly how I have felt tonight. Although as I said then, I don't cry, so wouldn't let myself. Why bother it doesn't acheive anything.

After feeling like that in Feb 2005, I decided to open up and make more friends, which I did. At the moment that has been taken away from me. I feel like packing my bags and just going away but I don't runaway from things either. So I have to stay, pull myself together and try to carry on. I have never felt more alone than I do now (even though I have said it before).

What have I done to deserve this, if only I knew?

I sat and watched the news tonight and one of the men accused from Nat West over the Enron scandel appears to of commited suicide. I used to wonder why I anyone would do something like that. I can now understand as I did in February 2005, why he has. You are Guilty until proven innocent and even when you are found innocent. Things will never return back to how they where before the allegations.