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as usual i have been doing a lot of thinking recently but i have had a
lot more than normal to think about and that is normally bad enough. i
have had huge problems getting to sleep a lot worse than usual.

i am crap at making decisions but some things that are praying on my
mind are out of my control. i am sick of having to wait for people to
make decisions that will affect the rest of my life and could well
ruin it.

i said 6 weeks ago that i would fight and i am still having to do
that. i never expected it to take this long. sometimes i have felt
like giving up but it almost feels like thats what they have been
waiting for, hoping i would leave. i know people from work have been
reading this blog from looking at the log files. what i have wrote on
here is only a fraction of how i have actually felt and would not wish
what i have gone through on someone else.

at the beginning of the year i knew this would be a difficult year but
this wasn't quite what i was expecting. i suppose i have found out
just who are really good friends and who just use me or are complete
liars. i may be many things but i am no liar.

i am in the perfect mood to read tarot cards. but unfortunately they
are still at my parents house. some people who are reading this may
not know i have read tarot in the past. i don't believe they
particularly tell the future or not in my rubbish hands. i do think in
my case they can help me make a decision that i already know whe
answer to but just find it hard to actually make that decision.

i wish i was less of a dreamer and actually made the things i dream
about actually happen. yet i am easily bored and give up far too easy.

from when i was a kid i have always said i would die young, people
think i am morbid or strange for saying that. but i dont think its a
bad thing to think. i have said many times live each day as if it's
your last because one day it will be. i haven't thought about that
enough recently and once again spent far too much time complaining or
feeling down. if i died tomorrow what are my most recent memories
going to be like?
generally not good, other than having seen quite a few friends this
week the rest has been negative. i need to do more of what i enjoy and
try to forget about those who try to pull you down.

i have created lists several times on here of things i want to do and
achieve. recently i haven't done anything to help attain those goals.
its about time i looked at them again and work out how to achieve some
more of them. that can be another task for tomorrow, i better make
sure i do it.

with not getting to sleep very well i have started to think about
projects i came up with a long time ago which is one good thing to
come from it and a few new ideas. like i have just said though its no
good just thinking if im not gonna do nothing about them.

my fingers are again dropping off typing this on my phone.