in bed

i am laid in bed typing on my phone. its been a while since doing a
post like this, its usually when i open my heart and give a glimpe
into my head and heart.

i am not gonna go that far tonight, laid here with 2 of my favourite
albums on my ipod playlist. sgt peppers by the beatles and in utero by
nirvana both albums are what i would call thinking albums as well as 2
of the greatest albums ever created.

i have just read my star sign for tuesday think they sent it instead
of mondays. its about making a big decision and not knowing what to
do. it advises to go with the first thing comes into my head. no doubt
a load of rubbish, with the enormity of the decisions facing me that
could be a recipe for disaster.

i am going to go for a 4 mile run tomorrow or today now i guess. i
haven't been for a run for nearly 2 weeks which is really bad when i
am running 13 miles in 2 months. i need to do a few things first. i
need to ring to have my feet looked at then need to buy some trainers
and sharpish as i need them ran in. i better ring tomorrow!

if i get chance i will go to the job centre as well just to see what
is about. then again never mind if i get chance, i will make time. one
of the big decisions is about my career. what do i want to do?
do i want to be in an office or outdoors?

think it may be time for a complete review of my life and what is
important to me. think i need to speak to someone who has been through
a life altering experience to make me really focus on enjoying life
because over the last 4 weeks it has been truely hard to enjoy
anything and made me really look at those i thought of as friends.
maybe one of lists of what i want and what is important to me will
afks me focus.

i have mentioned several times over the last 18 months of writing this
blog that i need to decide what i want. although i have made some big
decisions and done some things i am proud of. i have put off the 2
biggest and hardest decisions or realisations. i have moaned about my
job, even though it isn't a bad job i guess it is a good job. some
recent events have more or less ruined what i did like about it,
thanks for that.

the perfect and probably my favourite song is playing on my ipod. a
day in the life by the beatles.

...and now in utero has started this album is so full of emotion. this
is also perfect for what i am about to write!

the hardest realisation is why i am single. i have been out with a
couple of amazing woman and a few that god knows what i was doing with
them. i have also turned down a few that i knew were and are really
nice. i think i often kid myself that i know that it wouldn't work
with someone when maybe i am scared?
not sure scared is the right word a bit too dramatic. im not afraid of
anything really but would rather not be alone for the rest of my life.
yet you would think thats what i want. some of the women i have been
out with have been attached, friends have commented that its because i
have a fear of commitment. i dont think thats true i would love to
spend the rest of my life with the person i love. i have a fear of
being hurt, this maybe stems from a previous relationship. the person
hurt me more than i would of thought possible. in the end they did me
a favour but not before destroying my trust. i often find it hard to
find the words to say when i am in a relationship. i know in my heart
what i feel but the words escape me and i just go quiet. listening to
rape me by nirvana. i think thats what this person did to me, she
raped me of trust and openness in a relationship.

so when people say i am afraid of commitment they are sort of right
but for different reasons. the worst thing was i kept all the hate and
anger bottled up for close to a year before i found someone i could
trust enough to talk to.

since then i have been out with 2 people that i have loved more than
the person that messed me up. yet what probably messed both
relationships was that i just couldn't say what i truely wanted to
say. one especially i will always love for the rest of my life but
know they will never feel the same way i do and i will most likely
never find the words to express myself to them. all i can hope for is
to remain friends.

maybe i need to find someone who is deaf or something. they will then
hopefully see and feel what i feel, lol.

im sure i said i wasn't gonna open my heart tonight but i have once
again said far too much. yet it probably doesn't make any sense anyway
because i write it as it pops into my head. my head is a complex and
bewildering place, hence why i have so many problems making decisions.
And on you wont know the person who kinda messed my head up, dont
think she was entirely to blame i was bad enough in the first place. i
did just write her name but its my fault i push people away or clam
up. until i get over that i will be alone.

start trusting people, recent events have set me back. whenever i do
start to trust people someone does something to destroy it. if only
everyone was honest and not so deceitful and quick to stab people in
the back.

this has turned into a long ramble and even i don't know what the hell
i am on about anymore so no one else will either. i am just tired and
need to collect my thoughts, night!