Tonight

I seam to of done a few odd jobs that I keep putting off tonight. I got in and finally decided to change the knackered brake light bulb on the car. I have had the bulb for 2 weeks. I just dont seam to have any motivation at the minute, haven't been so bad today. Not sure why I've been feeling like this. Wish I knew why and would try to fix it. Maybe its because I just seam to be treading water and going nowhere fast.

There hasn't been anything particularly new at work, I have been able to do a few things more interesting at least but not like we have anything major of any interest to learn. We were supposed to be getting some Microsoft Certified IT Training for free but nothing has happened about that. Will be one of those things that will die a death. Was looking forward to this as it could be something more interesting and would be getting something out it. The only training I've had for over a year has been for programmes used internally at work and aren't developing me at all.

I did get an email about upgrading to the latest version of Lotus Notes, if this goes ahead there will be some training for it and maybe some new stuff to learn. Don't think there will be much new to learn. The only major new part is Intant Messaging and it will probably be disabled for us anyway.

Anyway I seam to of gone off on a side track!

I watched Ray Mears survival program but it was boring, spent a whole hour making a canoe. It would of been too long if it was on 30 minutes nevermind an hour. Its a shame, I normally like hos programs. Just hope it gets better for the rest of the series.

I've spent the last hour, sorting out my finances and trying to pay as much off as I can, still want to buy a house. Bairstow Eves (Estate Agents) rang me up this afternoon to let me know they hadn't forgotten about me but they still hadn't been given a price to put it on the market at yet. They said they are hoping it will be anytime but they told me that a week ago. The house still has all of the owners (previous now I guess) belongins in. Can understand them repossessing stuff but not all their personal stuff like photos, clothes, etc.. So guess they will have to take some of that out before selling the house.

I seam to be going nowhere fast in relationships either, hopefully going to see Kelly on Saturday night. It will be the 1st time since we sort of split up about a month ago. We both still really care about each other. I want to see if there is anything more there still, not gonna let anything further happen unless she splits up with the person she lives with. Can't see that happening so think I have answered my own question. Nothing is gonna happen.

I've had a few emails from someone I used to see from work last year, I still really like her. Spoke a few times on the telephone at work and we both sound more comfortable with each other again. I still think there was something special between us but not sure she thinks the same, probably not. She did mention about going over and seeing how she had got on with her house and garden sometime. Again nothing will happen here, as far as I know she is still engaged and dont think she would be interested in me anyway. I just seam to upset her, because she feels guilty about us seeing each other last year. Sometimes just wish I could give her a shake and tell her to wake up. She was still talking about marrying her fiancee a couple of months ago. Even though she doesn't love him as anything more than a very good friend. Last time we went out for something to eat (last year) I said I was pleased for her as long as she loved him but said she didn't know that she did. Don't think I said anything after the that, maybe I should get her to read this. I've only ever poured my heart out to a couple of people. But told (anonymous) more personal things than anyone else and totally opened up a lot quicker than I ever have. From the 1st time we met outside of work there seamed to be some sort of connection, maybe it was just me seeing something I wanted.

The last time I can remember us properly being alone together we went to the beach but I wasn't in a very good mood coz I'd been away to Sheffield on Training that I really didnt want to go to or need to, I had been ready to walk out of work a few days earlier over it but got calmed down. She picked me up from the Train station, got something to eat and walked along the beach and it started to thunder and lighten when we walking along the beach. Maybe this was an omen that it was the end or something. We did see each other the following night at bowling with a load of other staff from work but couldn't even touch her as didn't want everyone to know (or rather she didnt). That i think was the last time we were truelly close, can remember standing in either Burger King or McDonalds at the end of the night and standing facing each other and wanting to kiss her so much. If I thought she had the slightest feelings for me would tell her how I feel. While writing this I have realised just how much I still care about her.

Think I have sort of shocked myself by what I just wrote, this is the exact reason I started a blog in the 1st place to help me sort out my head. But maybe I should of made it totally private?

I guess I have answered some of my own questions, Lisa texted me earlier coz I hadn't said anything for 2 days. Gonna have to make it even clearer that I'm not interested (maybe some Simon advice). Will see Kelly on Saturday and see how we feel about each other, its been hard to have any real relationship as we never saw each other. Loved being together but can't see her being single anytime soon and wont let it go any further unless she is.

The only other person I havent mentioned is Angelika, I know you will read this. I do really care about her but it couldn't be anymore when I've never met her in person. I know she really cares about me but think its unbelievable how close we have come just from talking on the net but don't believe anything else would come of it. Would love to meet up as friends and have missed talking to her the last week. We are in someways very similar can put on a show on the outside which is nothing like we really feel inside. Don't want to say anything else here (hope you're not gonna be mad at me for typing this here?)

Well think I've wrote enough shit tonight, what started out about me changing a light bulb suddenly turned into how I felt about those I love, guess it was a light bulb moment!