Regrets?

Sometimes I'm not sure if I should of wrote some of the things I have on here, today was one of those days!

Another Walk

I was starting to fall asleep after tea so decided to go for a walk. The Satellite photo above shows where I went marked in red (Click the image for a slightly larger version). I'm not really sure how far it is. It was another really nice sunny night.

Here's a picture on my way back to the house, I've walked down this path loads of times in the pitch black standing in all the mud:


This ones looking over the fields towards where I live:

The above 2 pictures are poor quality because they were taken with my phone!

Hermit

I really do seam to of become a hermit the last couple of months. I have been trying to save but I think its more I've been trying to sort my head out (which takes some doing). I've been feeling stuck in a rut, hopefully I'm climbing out of it slowly and trying to make a few decisions.

I have hardly seen any of my mates recently, when I used to be out with them 2 or 3 days drinking every week and playing football and stuff.

I am going out on Friday for a night out with work again, I'm looking forward to it. The last time I was out was a month ago in Sedgefield.

Over I guess

I forgot to write in my last post that it looks like things are over with me and Kelly which has been my decision and it is the right thing. I know we will always be friends but after a lot of soul searching I know its never gonna work.

Just have to tell her now, I don't want to hurt her but I am sure she already knows how I feel. I have told her before. I am just no good at ending anything, especially when I do still care about them I try to remain friends but is often very hard.

The way things have happened with Lisa shows this, where she wants to get back together but I am not interested at all.

Think its obvious how I feel from my last few posts. Just hope this year gets easier, its started out very tough. Always knew I would have to make a lot of decisions this year!!

Sometimes hard to open up

Every now and again I hear a song that just hits home, I am constantly listening to "The Beatles - A Day In The Life". For some reason its just constantly in my head and almost brought a tear (I said almost) not quite sure why. Something about the music makes me look at my own life!

Its been a very strange day today but generally good. Before I write anymore I know someone who means a lot to me will probably read this. Its hard to write when you know someone you care so much about and have written about will read it. Imagine someone reading your diary and being a little scared of what they make of what you've wrote.

Today has been very hectic at work but I don't really want to bore anyone (myself included) by writing about work.

The best thing that has happened to me today is I have started talking to the person I mentioned in my previous posts more openly. Its been hard ever since we stopped seeing each other. I don't think anything will ever happen again, although if I'm honest I wish it would. But more than that I've missed her as a friend. For some reason I always felt I could tell her anything although more often than not I would clam up and say nothing, regret it now :-(

I hope we can keep talking how we are, its been hard the last few months. We have both felt awkward and not known what to say to each other. Yet what I really wanted to do was give her a hug as often knew she had stuff on her mind and looked like she needed it, maybe me imagining it.

The 1st time we went out for something to eat I can remember sitting in the restaurant (pub) and thinking how at ease I felt and how perfect it felt at the time (wasn't drinking either). It was the 1st time I had met her outside of work. I can remember saying loads about me that I would normally never tell anyone but for some reason I opened up.

I wont say anymore tonight, think I've said enough and not fair to write about people publicly.

Tunstall Reservoir

Just been for another short walk with my Mother around Tunstall reservoir. It was again only a couple of miles but better than sitting in the house all day. I wanted to to walk further from Wolsingham up to the Reservoir and back down again but my mother was pulling faces. So decided just to do the short route highlighted above.

Short Walk

I decided to go for a short walk last night to clear my head before I watched a film, the picture above shows where I went, its only about 2 1/2 miles or so. It was a nice sunny night so enjoyed it. The red lines show where I walked!

(The red circle is from Multimap)

The Exorcist

Watched The Exorcist last night, I can't remember ever watching it all before. It was OK but slow, I prefer something that has a bit more happening or some sort of twist in it. It was all very predictable, can see how the new film (Exorcist - The Beginning) fits in. It was good but like a lot of the films that were banned here in the 80's there was no need and got a lot of extra publicity for nothing. I gave it 6 out of 10 on IMDB.

Oh no

Gonna keep this short because im tired. Will write more tomorrow.

I was supposed to be seeing Kelly tonight, so I could see how I feel about her but it didnt happen. So wasnt best pleased but guess I answered that question.

Texted the person I said I still really liked in my last post. Sent a couple of messages between us. Then got on with stuff. Then she texted me again late on when she was with her friend. She made a joke about her mate wanting my babies. So for some reason I said I still really liked her. Never heard anything since, oh well another thing i have managed to fuck up :-(

Tonight

I seam to of done a few odd jobs that I keep putting off tonight. I got in and finally decided to change the knackered brake light bulb on the car. I have had the bulb for 2 weeks. I just dont seam to have any motivation at the minute, haven't been so bad today. Not sure why I've been feeling like this. Wish I knew why and would try to fix it. Maybe its because I just seam to be treading water and going nowhere fast.

There hasn't been anything particularly new at work, I have been able to do a few things more interesting at least but not like we have anything major of any interest to learn. We were supposed to be getting some Microsoft Certified IT Training for free but nothing has happened about that. Will be one of those things that will die a death. Was looking forward to this as it could be something more interesting and would be getting something out it. The only training I've had for over a year has been for programmes used internally at work and aren't developing me at all.

I did get an email about upgrading to the latest version of Lotus Notes, if this goes ahead there will be some training for it and maybe some new stuff to learn. Don't think there will be much new to learn. The only major new part is Intant Messaging and it will probably be disabled for us anyway.

Anyway I seam to of gone off on a side track!

I watched Ray Mears survival program but it was boring, spent a whole hour making a canoe. It would of been too long if it was on 30 minutes nevermind an hour. Its a shame, I normally like hos programs. Just hope it gets better for the rest of the series.

I've spent the last hour, sorting out my finances and trying to pay as much off as I can, still want to buy a house. Bairstow Eves (Estate Agents) rang me up this afternoon to let me know they hadn't forgotten about me but they still hadn't been given a price to put it on the market at yet. They said they are hoping it will be anytime but they told me that a week ago. The house still has all of the owners (previous now I guess) belongins in. Can understand them repossessing stuff but not all their personal stuff like photos, clothes, etc.. So guess they will have to take some of that out before selling the house.

I seam to be going nowhere fast in relationships either, hopefully going to see Kelly on Saturday night. It will be the 1st time since we sort of split up about a month ago. We both still really care about each other. I want to see if there is anything more there still, not gonna let anything further happen unless she splits up with the person she lives with. Can't see that happening so think I have answered my own question. Nothing is gonna happen.

I've had a few emails from someone I used to see from work last year, I still really like her. Spoke a few times on the telephone at work and we both sound more comfortable with each other again. I still think there was something special between us but not sure she thinks the same, probably not. She did mention about going over and seeing how she had got on with her house and garden sometime. Again nothing will happen here, as far as I know she is still engaged and dont think she would be interested in me anyway. I just seam to upset her, because she feels guilty about us seeing each other last year. Sometimes just wish I could give her a shake and tell her to wake up. She was still talking about marrying her fiancee a couple of months ago. Even though she doesn't love him as anything more than a very good friend. Last time we went out for something to eat (last year) I said I was pleased for her as long as she loved him but said she didn't know that she did. Don't think I said anything after the that, maybe I should get her to read this. I've only ever poured my heart out to a couple of people. But told (anonymous) more personal things than anyone else and totally opened up a lot quicker than I ever have. From the 1st time we met outside of work there seamed to be some sort of connection, maybe it was just me seeing something I wanted.

The last time I can remember us properly being alone together we went to the beach but I wasn't in a very good mood coz I'd been away to Sheffield on Training that I really didnt want to go to or need to, I had been ready to walk out of work a few days earlier over it but got calmed down. She picked me up from the Train station, got something to eat and walked along the beach and it started to thunder and lighten when we walking along the beach. Maybe this was an omen that it was the end or something. We did see each other the following night at bowling with a load of other staff from work but couldn't even touch her as didn't want everyone to know (or rather she didnt). That i think was the last time we were truelly close, can remember standing in either Burger King or McDonalds at the end of the night and standing facing each other and wanting to kiss her so much. If I thought she had the slightest feelings for me would tell her how I feel. While writing this I have realised just how much I still care about her.

Think I have sort of shocked myself by what I just wrote, this is the exact reason I started a blog in the 1st place to help me sort out my head. But maybe I should of made it totally private?

I guess I have answered some of my own questions, Lisa texted me earlier coz I hadn't said anything for 2 days. Gonna have to make it even clearer that I'm not interested (maybe some Simon advice). Will see Kelly on Saturday and see how we feel about each other, its been hard to have any real relationship as we never saw each other. Loved being together but can't see her being single anytime soon and wont let it go any further unless she is.

The only other person I havent mentioned is Angelika, I know you will read this. I do really care about her but it couldn't be anymore when I've never met her in person. I know she really cares about me but think its unbelievable how close we have come just from talking on the net but don't believe anything else would come of it. Would love to meet up as friends and have missed talking to her the last week. We are in someways very similar can put on a show on the outside which is nothing like we really feel inside. Don't want to say anything else here (hope you're not gonna be mad at me for typing this here?)

Well think I've wrote enough shit tonight, what started out about me changing a light bulb suddenly turned into how I felt about those I love, guess it was a light bulb moment!

Better Day

It's been a good day today at work. I decided to work from our Training room where I could be on my own and just get on with the work I needed to do without any distractions. I managed to get some things done that I've trying to do for nearly a year and just never seam to get the quite time to actually figure out what I needed to. Think it helped cozz I was in the right mood for working out code, but the main difference was not disruptions at all. The only time I got asked all sorts was when I went to my desk to pick up my dinner and got grabbed by 3 people to solve their problems.

If I could get a few more days like this I might actually finish something, the stuff I was working on today are very near complete now and just need another couple of days like today and they will be finished.

Tomorrow I know will be a bit of a dead day, answering calls in the morning, so waste of time trying to do anything that I need to concentrate on. I think tomorrow morning we are planning some site visits, so that is something to look forward to. I prefer to get out of the office and actually do some hands on work rather than sitting talking on a phone all day. Should be installing some network switches and also some Windows Terminal Devices (WIDS).

I am sat waiting for blogger to come back up as its down for maintenance :-(

Music

While at work today I listened to a couple of albums, think they helped me concentrate :-)


The first was The Manic Street Preachers - Forever Delayed this is their Greatest Hits compilation. I only listened to the 1st CD as the second is just remixes. This is an excellent album, quite often listen to it, most people will of heard quite a few of these songs on the Radio over the last 10 years or so. From the perfect Motorcycle Emptiness to Everything Must Go and So Why So Sad. Just about every tune is memorable.


I also listened to Big Tunes 2 which is a Dance compilation album, I really liked this. The last few new dance compilation albums I've listened to have been a bit rubbish but this one I really liked will probably listen to it again when I go to bed. So thats not a bad guide as to how good it is.

Before midnight

In bed before midnight for a change. I have had an easy night and watched some stuff on tv, grand designs and location location.

Intended to sit down and code all night but decided to take it easy instead.

hopefully do my coding tomorrow night instead but do want to watch Ray Mear at 8 :-)

well think i will get back to listening to music before i fall asleep.

Fed up

I am sat at work totally fed up. I have spent all morning answering helpdesk questions which totally pissed me off as it wasnt me supposed to be doing it. I am supposed to be on now but i am only just getting my dinner.

Not staying here much longer, totally fed up with not being able to get on with my own work and once again unable to finish anything.

I feel like just going home i may as well coz havent been able to get on with anything all day.

Cant sleep

Once again im laid in bed unable to sleep, everytime i lay down my brain starts working over time.

Thinking about fixing and helping people out with their computers on a night again. I do it all the time now for friends but would like to do the same for others but for a fee. i should try and make some money out of something i am good at and enjoy doing.

Dont want to be sat doing what i am doing in 2 years time. I mentioned about a month ago that i was gonna do a plan for the next 2, 5 and 10 years and what i would like to of achieved and be doing. Its time i finished it.

If you can make money out of something you enjoy then what more could you ask from a job. i am interested in how many people would contact me if any. It will be next month before i could even think about trying anything got too much on this month.

Albums

I read the list of the top 100 albums that was shown on Channel 4 the other night. So decided I would start to listen to some of them.


The Beatles - Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band, I have listened to this quite a few times before and it is an excellent album. The Beatles must of been totally tripped out when they did this album as the music does sound like it was done by someone on drugs. I agree it is one of the best Beatles albums, it was The Beatles 2nd highest entry in the Top 100 at Number 7.


I then listened to Pink Floyd - The Dark Side of the Moon @ number 5 on the chart. I have never been all that interested in Pink Floyd. I like a couple of their tracks like Money and Another Brick in the Wall but the rest of their stuff just isn't all that interesting to me. I listened to the album and I didn't want to turn it off but not exactly gonna rush to listen to it again either. Everyone says how great this album is, maybe I'm missing something?


Just finished listening to U2 - The Joshua Tree, the first 3 tracks are excellent and probably most people will know them but after that I've always thought the rest of the album was a bit boring maybe its just that the 1st 3 tracks are so good the rest just can't live up to it. Just my opinion but again everyone says how excellent this album is and it was voted number 2 on the chart. Maybe I need to listen to it again when I'm doing nothing else.

Too tired

I once again fell asleep after tea, I was watching the Top 100 Anthems on VH2 then next thing I knew it was 30 minutes later. Once I go to sleep then I can't get to sleep later on which is why I now feel wide awake.

I was hoping to work on a new DVD section for my new website tonight but didn't feel like writing loads of PHP script after I woke up. I did look at a booklist somebody else had done to work out how to integrate something similar into my site. I am going to start totally from scratch and hopefully figure it out. Just I need to get a night when I get no interruptions and don't feel tired.

Lisa texted me again tonight, told her I was hoping gonna have an early night for a change. So she went in the huff saying "she got the message" whatever. She obviously didn't get the message coz she keeps saying why don't I go down the pub and see her or come up for a coffee. Told her I wasn't interested in anything more than friends but she is still trying.

After this I got a text from Kelly asking how I was. She then ended up pissed off at me too (although said she wasn't). She was complaining coz I saw Lisa to fix her daughters computer the other day. Not sure how she can say anything, I told her the situation that I wasn't interested in Lisa. Me and Kelly split up weeks ago anyway, because I wasn't happy with the situation. She is living with someone, I didn't want to carry on seeing her while she was with someone. I gave her over 3 months and there was no change in the situation. Then she has a go at me for fixing an exs computer.

I may not of said anything but I was fairly pissed off with her, don't think she was in a situation to criticize. What makes it worse is I do really care about Kelly and if she was single would like to go out with her and know she would like to get back together too, but I can't with the current situation.

Maybe I should just stay single and ignore everyone, if I keep getting hassle off everyone I might just ignore them for a while. Simon from work left a comment about one of my other posts and said sometime you just need to tell people to f*ck off. Maybe he is right coz I'm fed up with people twisting at me for nothing. Wouldn't mind if I had done something wrong. Trying to stay friends with everyone is like walking through a mine field and bombs keep going off next to me!

Nowhere Fast

Today has been one of those days where you don't seam to get anywhere fast. I worked most of the day on a couple of access databases I did ages ago but they both needed fairly big updates to them.

I ended up only working on one of them coz is took me ages to figure out how to do what I wanted, Access most be one of the most frustrating programs about. Nothing is ever straighforward, would much rather be working with mySQL and a browser frontend. I may do a quick example version of the same database I've been working on today but browser based after this month when I have more spare time at home.

I managed to fix a couple of problems this morning but struggled this afternoon trying to create a report that asked you several questions before producing the report. I finally figured out what I needed to just before home time, so tried to write it down before I left or will of forgotten it by tomorrow.

Wish I worked from home a couple of days a week, part of the reason I struggled this afternoon was coz everytime I was working on a more complex part I would get interupted and lost track of what I was doing. I am answering the phone tomorrow afternoon so no good trying to work on anything complex then as I wont get anywhere.

Listening to...

I am laid listening to David Gray - White Ladder. I think this has to be one of my top ten albums from the last ten years. I havent listened to it for a year but still sounds excellent.

Not really listened to any other complete albums the last couple of days but have been listening to certain tracks quite a lot:

Beatles - We Can Work It Out
Beatles - Cant Buy Me Love
Beatles - Love Me Do
Dr Dre - Xplosive
Dr Dre - Watcher
Stereophonics - Dakota

The song ive listened to the most is: Vinylshakerz - One Night In Bangkok.

Just remembered i have listened to Antony and the Johnsons self titled album as well. It has to be the strangest album i have listened to in a long time. Cant quite make my mind up about it. One track stood out: The Cripple and the Starfish.

Organised

I need to get myself more organised both at work and especially at home. I always have loads of things to do but often never seam to get around to doing things.

Like tonight i had tea then fell asleep then just browsed the net for a bit, had a bath worked on my website for a while but soon got side tracked listening to music. After that started browsing tescos website to see if we could get the stuff we buy there.

So really i did nothing all night. But have got loads of things listed in my tasks to do but never even looked at them.

Its the same reason why i havent really exercised just not organised myself to regularly do something. So my aim is to work out the stuff i want to do and set myself a few tasks each day i have to do. Will see how it works out?

Highlight

The highlight of the day at work was going to our Consett office to fix someones computer which wouldnt connect to the network. When i got there they asked me if i wanted some muffins before they explained so knew there was something up. They had been moving a computer and had disconnected the wrong computer in the cabinet and didnt know how to fix it.

I didnt mind i like going to the office as the staff are always really nice offering you food and drinks not that ive ever accepted anything yet. Could definitly work there quick to get home too.

Otherwise all ive done at work is answer calls and do some templates which are both boring jobs, so find myself talking most me the day coz i am so bored.

Tomorrow will be better i hope might work from another room to get some peace.

Music

It's strange how some songs seam to take on meaning when your listening to them.

Got a text and at exactly the same time the Beatles - We can work it out, came on. Think that its wrong though it will never be sorted out. The next song was Help which was more appropriate. The text was from Lisa.

If i look back at good and bad times in my life i can usually think of songs from that time. When i was a bit miserable as a teenager i listened to Nirvana loads. Before that Iron Maiden when i was a bit happier.
Then when i left school it was hardcore rave stuff and Scooter. That brings back some memories :-)

There are tons of others, some are certain songs when things happened. What made me think about it was i can remember doing 2 cds for Lisa when we broke up 2 years ago they were supposed to tell her how i felt. I spent hours doing them!

Sometimes other peoples words can explain better than my own.

Lisa just told me they broke, told her it was an omen!

Sunday the day of rest, yeah right!

I seam to of done all sorts today but not got very far. I didnt get out of bed until 11 again.

I started work on the design of my new website, still a lot to do but its a start. I am intentionally making the pages look as simple as possible, makes it easier to use and also loads quicker.

I managed to get a lot of the files i've had lying about my computer for ages copied over to the server.

Besides for messing about on my computer i also watched the Newcastle match, the less said about it the better :-(

Lisa was also in contact again and wanted me to show her how to look at her daughters msn chat logs. I went up and showed her them. Think she got a shock with what she read.

While i was at lisas Kelly johnson rang me again and wanted me to help her copy some songs from the computer to hers and her mams phone. Said i would give her a ring when i got back.

Ended up taking remote control of Kellys computer again and doing it for her. Seeing as she was breast feeding while i was transfering the files thought i would just do it.

Spent the rest of the night on the computer for a change, lol. Other than watching 24.

I am now laid in bed wide awake writing this and listening to music. If i had got out of bed earlier i might of been tired!

Bulletproof

I watched Bulletproof earlier in the night. Its about 9 years old but rented it as I liked Damon Wayans in The Last Boyscout and dont mind some of Adam Sandlers films. I quite enjoyed it, had a fair bit of action and some good comedy. Especially at the hunting ranch with all the porn. I gave it a 7 out of 10 on IMDB, but most people dont think its all that good.

Another wasted day

Well I did get up at 8:30 and had a friend breakfast but then decided I would just have a lie down afterwards and next thing I knew it was 11:30. I only woke up then coz I had my phone on vibrate and it fell off the top.

Looked at the phone and it was Lisa, I had 3 missed calls and 2 texts. I thought oh shit now what. Looked through the texts and realised it was only coz it was important. Her daughter had all her course work on the computer and it wouldn't boot up. I agreed to go and pick it up and have a look.

I picked the computer up, Lisa wasn't there as she had taken her daughter (Becky) to the train station. When I got the PC home and had a look, the graphics card wasn't working. So put another in temporary and copied any files I could find to a DVD. Didn't seam to be hardly any documents there. I took it back up and then found out that Becky had deleted a load of stuff accidentally but I had to take the computer back quickly as they needed to drop it off with the person they bought it from (still under warranty). I looked at some of the files on the backup for Lisa as she wanted to know what Becky had been up to.

From what I could piece together Becky had been told off last weekend for drinking, lying and all sort of stuff. She had then deleted everything off her computer so no one could see what she had been up to. But her MSN chat logs since then were there. So you could read what she told people. Something strangely interesting about spying on people!

Anyway when they get the computer back, they want me to recover her documents if I can. I dread to think what I might recover after some of the stuff I read. I also looked at her old PC she gave back to Lisa and even though she had cleaned it fairly well, I still found pictures of people and a bloke naked (rather I hadn't seen that). To me there was nothing that bad, she is 16 not 10!!

Only problem with all this is I was sort of trying to keep my distance from Lisa after the other night. She has since been texting me all night. She does know that nothing is gonna happen, I did have a laugh this afternoon when I was taking the piss but I made it clear I would only be friends.

Kelly text me as well tonight, she out in Bishop with friends. Asked if I would pick her up but it was very late and had taken my lenses out and didn't have any others to put in. So told her I couldn't. Would of been good to see her.

When I think about it that's 2 women contacted me today and both of them wanted me to do something for them, not sexually (well they might of done). I'm sure I wrote the other day that I am always doing stuff for everyone else and rarely get much chance to do anything for me. I am getting fed up of it all. I can't remember ever getting anything back in return for anything I do for anyone??

Maybe its time I had a couple of weeks where I do absolutely nothing for anyone and just do stuff I want. Would start next week but have already agreed to look at Lisas computer sometime, also got to go and drop a monitor off for Kelly Johnson not that that is work as I want to catch up with her.

The only other stuff I've done today is watch Doctor Who & watched Bulletproof. I've also been trying to work on my new website but not getting far as I keep getting texts every 2 minutes. Think I should just give up for today and go to bed!!!

Chilling

Decided i would have an easy night and havent done all that much other than finish my mail server setup. Otherwise just browsed the internet and listened to music.

I am laid in bed listening to chilled ibiza gold and thinking about what i'd like to get done this weekend. I am hopefully gonna get up at about 9 and walk to the shop, get a sausage roll and post super size me back to lovefilm.

Hopefully if i get up earlier it will mean i will be more likely to go to bed early tomorrow night. Normally i would lie in until about dinner time on a saturday but end up wasting the weekend and cant then get to sleep until the early hours of sunday. Well better go to sleep or wont be getting up at 9.

Garbage - Bleed Like Me

Just finished listening to Garbage - Bleed Like Me, not really sure what to make of it. Nothing jumped out from the album like some previous Garbage tracks (Special, Milk, Push It, Stupid Girl). It wasn't bad just average, have heard people saying it's excellent. Will give it another listen, maybe its a grower?

Integration

I've been messing about most of the night finishing setting up my mail server. I can now access my email, tasks, contacts & calendar from Outlook, Webmail or phone. I could in the past do some parts of these but not all totally integrated.

I finally seam to be getting somewhere with my server & website. Just hope I can get on with the rest of my site as well. The main stumbling block is creating a new design template. I hate designing stuff, mainly coz I'm crap at it. I prefer to mess about with the code and content.

Snowing

Looked out the window and its snowing, quite heavily. Think someone forget to tell mother nature its April and now Spring. Not that I'm complaining, I love snow. But I guess it will probably melt by the morning :-(

Back Home

Back home after the training course, thank god. Today was really boring and was just totally a waste of my time. I'm sure it would be argued that I needed to have an understanding what the changes are that will affect other staff. But it really was a waste of time me being there as it wasn't relevant to my job and will forget it all anyway as I dont use anything they taught me in my job.

More annoying when I have plenty of work to be getting on with, without going on courses that are of no use. I was originally told that every member of staff had to attend them but found out today that it is in discussion as to whether support staff should attend or not and looks like they wont. Its more relevant to them than me!

Anyway its over with now, just frustrating!

Not much use

On the second day of the course and it is totally boring and to me is a complete waste of my time. It must be showing that I'm struggling to look interested as at least 4 people have asked why I am on the course.

Its dinner time, pleased there is supposedly only 2 hours left. Much longer and I will be going to sleep!

Eureka!!!

I have been driven nuts the last week or so trying to figure out why my website would stop working for no apparent reason. Then I was searching the forums at ADSLGuide.

I had tracked the problem down to my router but couldn't understand what was happening as it had been working for months without any changes to it. I found an article explaining my exact problem, it ended up being Trillian my instant messaging program. I'd also been using this for ages but had only just added another account to it.

Basically Trillian constantly sends out a signal to the different chat networks, ICQ, AIM, MSN, Yahoo and I had just added my Yahoo account to Trillian and it was this that had caused the problem. The router thought it was a Denial Of Service (DOS) Attack so closed off some ports. Which means my website wouldn't work.

I know probably no one who reads this will understand it but I am now very happy and might actually get some sleep!!

Catching up

Well I didn't go for a run when I got in. Went on the computer for a while and mananged to break the router again, so can't access my website from outside the local LAN. Just gonna leave it for now, at least it stops anyone accessing it when I'm trying to work on the site.

I laid down and fell asleep at about 5, I'm absolutely shattered. Maybe if I went to bed before 2 I would feel better. Just my mind is always at its most active late at night and get more done. Although last night when it got to 1:30 my eyes were hurting and ended up with a headache but was determined to finish what I was doing, (Upgrading software on my server). I eventually got it done and collapsed into bed just after 2. I think 16 hours staring at a computer screen most days eventually takes its toll.

Kelly who is my best mate from work rang me when I was driving home from my training course. She is off on maternity leave for the next few months. She rang up as she was stuck trying to transfer pictures from her phone to the computer. It was good to speak to her and see how she was doing. I ended up taking remote control of her screen when I got home and transfered them for her. Hopefully going to go over and see her and baby William next week!!
Miss her not being at work, she is probably the only reason I'm still there, was ready to leave a couple of times in the last year. I think thats why I started this blog so I could write down stuff I was thinking instead.

Anyway think I will go and watch the Liverpool match for a change and take a break from the computer.

Course

Sat in a course on dinner. Suppose it hasn't been too bad, although don't know half the stuff they are on about. So sat here looking very blank.

We have some exercises to do after dinner and will have no idea how to do them as it isn't really relevant to my job.

Hopefully get finished at 3 then might go for a run.

On Training

I'm away from the office on a course for the next 2 days, normally I hate going to courses like this but I'm actually looking forward to being out of the office for a change. I was sat at my desk today and couldn't hear myself think for fans. There was 2 fans in front of me and 2 behind me, cooling other people down in the office. Not looking forward to the summer when it is actually hot.

Hopefully get some early finishes then, when I'm away, saying I'm away its only one of the university buildings in Durham, so only about 2 miles from the office. I just hope the course isn't too boring. I wont understand what they are going on about anyway.

My Website

Been having loads of trouble the last few days with my website, it stopped letting anyone access it through the internet and would only work on my internal LAN and very slowly. My new website worked internally very quickly but for some reason I just couldn't access it externally. I tried to reconfigure the router with no success, it would sometimes work for a couple of goes then stop (unless it pulled it from cache).

I was becoming totally frustrated as I couldn't see why it wouldn't work, but somehow it has started letting me access my new website, although the old (current) website is still very slow but at least it working again. I'm not sure if its something I fixed or now looking for likely it was something to do with Zen (my ISP). I will see what happens over the next few days.

While this has all happened I decided that I would make an effort to upgrade the site to the new one, so trying to get most of it done in the next week but everyone else seams to be conspiring to stop me, lol!!

Luck

I don't seam to be having much luck recently in anything. With hassle from ex's, website breaking, no winners on the National (lol). Can't even go on the internet without being complained at or being asked to do something. So think I might just become even more of a recluse for a couple of weeks and sort some things out I want to get done for a change rather than everyone elses.

Work is becoming a real drag again, I seam to be either answering helpdesk calls again or creating templates (mind numbing). The only good bit is I've managed to go to a couple of our other offices to fit some network switches. At least its a break from the same thing all day. Found myself sitting this morning just staring at the screen in a world of my own, just couldn't concentrate on anything as there was nothing to work out or learn of any interest. Hope I'm not gonna live to regret not applying for the job at the council offices in Crook?

House

I rang up about the house along the street that has gone up for sale, but the estate agent has no details on it yet. They didn't know anything at all, the lady was asking me how much houses were going for. I have left my number with them and should receive a call when they have a price and further information.

I think it will be too expensive anyway, destined to be permanently living with my parents at this rate. Its about time I got my own place, it'll be a massive struggle at 1st having to foot the bill for the morgage and everything else on my own. Will see what happens...

Recently Listened To...

I have been listening to music I've had for a while recently rather than new music.

Below are some of the albums:

Iron Maiden - Best Of The Beast: This is an excellent album with most of their best songs although some of my favorites aren't on but they have so many songs you could never fit them all on. I know most people would take one look and think. Ugh Iron Maiden, but they have probably never sat down and listened to a song. I used to think the same until some of my mates started listening to them at school about 13 years ago now. This is an excellent album, although still not struck on any of the stuff Blaze Bayley sang.


Trance Nation Anthems: Another very good album, brings back some memories hearing some of these songs. Its basically an album with some of the biggest trance songs on from the last few years. Well worth a listen even if you don't think you like trance music, you'd be suprised how many you know. Most have been played endlessly on the Radio.


Black Eyed Peas - Elephunk: Again another good album, which I was suprised I liked. Not normally my sort of music but most of the songs have grown on me. Some of the later songs on the album, sound a bit like filler to me but overall a good album.


Simply Red - Greatest Hits: I used to hate Simply Red when my sister used to play them all the time but in recent years I have started to really like them. I have listened to this loads in the last few months. I can get sick of hearing most albums after a while but this is a stayer. Some excellent songs on here, even some I used to hate like "Fairground" have finally grown on me.


Beatles - 1: This album I have continually listened to since it came out. It always works its way back into my car and probably always will, there is just something about Beatles songs (timeless maybe?). This is a compilation of all their number ones. Only problem with it, is becuause no single from Sgt Peppers went to number 1, it is missing anything from that album.

What a night :-(

What a night I've had, went to Lisas to drop some music off as she kept hassling me about it. Also hoped that it would be obvious to her that I wasn't interested in her in anyway but friends. I was there about 15 minutes and we barely spoke, so I left. She texted me saying guess she could see how I felt.

She a little later started texting me to go back up, told her I wasn't. Sometimes should learn to be more careful what I write, coz she then wouldn't take no for an answer. Told me she was gonna turn up on my doorstep then I would have to talk. Tried everything but ended up having to go up just to stop her from turning up.

I went up there and she just started to laugh, saying did I really believe she would turn up. I wasn't taking any chances. She wanted to get back together but its never gonna happen. Just nothing there between us anymore. I just look at her and see her as a friend nothing else. Told her I didn't want to get together. Its been a year since we sort of got back together the last time for a few days and that was a nightmare, knew then that it would never ever work. Just wish she could see that, hope she has now.

She is still texting me saying how she had got it wrong again and is all her fault. I still for some reason try to be nice and say its not all her fault, but if I just agreed, maybe she would get the message. Sometimes try not to hurt peoples feelings too much but end up hurting people all the more.

Don't know how the hell I get myself into these situations, try to be peoples friend too much maybe instead of just cutting all contact with people.

Wasn't sure if I should write the above but in the past I've kept too much shit to myself. I should just say "I am not interested anymore, f**k off" but that's not me and do still care enough not to want to see her hurt anymore.

So much for working on my website tonight, done about an hours work if I'm lucky :-(

Think I should just ignore all women for a few weeks I seam to get nothing but grief and/or heartache. Got loads of other stuff to write down but think I will just write this for now!

Totally Agree

I read this in a forum I was reading a couple of months ago and just came across it again. Think he is generally spot on!!

A lot of people spend a lot more time organizing tasks rather then doing the task. Its like having a meeting in an office, Supposedly everyone thinks a meeting is the best way to get things done, by communicating and freely exchanging ideas, but in the end, it wastes time and inhibits work.

There are people in our office that spend days making large graphs for software, organizing how functions relate to each other, lisiting class methods and members, outlining the amount of time each task will take etc, etc, etc. The actual writing of the code only takes a few hours, but they waste days making up pretty charts and graphs impressing each other about how much paper their tasks take to print.

What really happens is that in the process of actually writing code, you deviate from the original spec because you develop new ideas in the process, or realize original concepts make no sense and develop new ones, and in the end, those pretty graphs don't mean anything because the end product is vastly different then what you thought you needed to do.

This looks like a managerial tool, something that looks like its a good idea, but ultimately wastes time and money, just like most managers. - by Topher

Work Update

Work just isn't a nice place to be at the minute, it just seams like everyone is bitching about everyone else. I'm trying not to get drawn into it but hard when you keep hearing people slag others off. None of us are perfect!!

The moral at work for the whole area we cover just seams to get worse and worse. All day people tell me they are fed up not knowing what they're supposed to be doing anymore and just feeling a bit lost with so many changes. Think there needs to be a bit more leadership shown from top management but they are none existent and so is any direction. Maybe they also feel the same way with no direction coming nationally but it is up to them to reassure their staff or there isn't gonna be any left.

I'm not as bad as I was a couple of months ago maybe I just don't really care anymore?
I have had some ideas about what I'd like to do long term, started thinking what I liked doing the most and its getting out and about fixing peoples problems and showing people how to do stuff on a 1 to 1 basis. I read an article on the BBC website the other day about a reporter who advertised his services fixing computers in his local newsagent and received loads of calls. I am tempted to try something similar just as a test to see if I get much response. My dad does fix and buld some computers as a hobbie but there are so many people out there who need some help with basic stuff and are willing to pay a small amount for some help. Not gonna do it this month but may try it next month.

The week so far...

This week has been a bit different. With trying to lose some weight, not that I've done much exercise but have managed not to eat any chips or anything really fatty and have already lost the 4Ibs I wanted to. Also not been chatting much to Angelika, think she thinks I'm pissed off with her which I'm not just got loads of things to do rather than chatting all night.

A house along the street may be coming up for auction, it has just been repossessed. There's a very strange and sad story to it. The family that lived there have been married for 20 odd years and have 3 kids. It turns out that she had taken out a loan or probably several loans against the house without her husband knowing and she had supposedly forged his signature. He knew nothing about it until they were away on holiday and she said she had to go back home early for an interview but really she was going to court about the loans she hadn't paid back. Then basically the house got repossessed and he has left her. Neither can get into the house to get anything out.

But although its not nice whats happened if its true, it could be good for me if I could get the house cheap at auction. I've been reading up on it, I was worried that I would end up with a bad credit rating with them living at that address and owing loads of money but this is no longer true. A credit rating it now only given on an individual not an address :-)

Simon @ work mentioned an interesting site www.nethouseprices.com it lets you look at what every UK house has been sold for in the last 5 years for free.

I seam to of been really busy all week but I can't really think what I've actually done, just been tidying up loads of loose ends and sorting out my finances.

Run

Actually managed to get up at 6:30 today and go for a run, took some getting up at didn't get to sleep until after 1. I was absolutely knackered when I got back. There was a women from around the village walking her dog down the road so I set off far to fast. So suffered on the way back.

I am gonna have to go out regularly getting, fat and very unfit. Got on the scales and was 12 stone 4. I want to be 12 stone by Sunday. Which if I keep off the chips and regularly exercise should be achievable. Gonna walk into town today and go out on the bike tonight.

12 stone 4 god I am getting fat, my aim is to be 11 Stone 6 in a month, this is maybe faster than your supposed to lose weight bu tif I change my total lack of exercise and bad diet. I should be able to do it. If I don't achieve it but feel fitter I will be happy.

Sexy Beast

Just watched Sexy Beast starring Ian McShane, Ben Kingsley & Ray Winstone. It was about a retired criminal and he is asked to do a job but doesn't want to but he ends up having to do it. It was a bit different so I enjoyed, The 3 main actors were excellent, especially Ben Kingsley. I gave it 7 out of 10 on IMDB.

Listening to..

I've been listening to a few albums that I've had for ages.


Purple Rainbows is a rock album with Deep Purple songs and other artists connected to them like Whitesnake and Rainbow. Not the sort of album I'd normally listen to but it sounded good in the background while I was surfing the net, 4 out 5.


Clubbers Guide Summer 2003 I had this album in my car for months, really like this series of dance albums. This is one of the best, some excellent songs on it like Shakedown - Drowsy with Hope, Andain - Beautiful Things and DJ Sammy - Sunlight. Been listening to it again the last couple of days, think I might put it back in the car. 5 out of 5, most people wouldn't give it this much I'm sure!


Jeff Waynes War Of The Worlds is another excellent album. I think most people would of heard some of this music before. Started listening to it tonight and decided I would wait till I'd finished listening to the whole album before going to bed. Still sounds as good now as when I first heard my sister playing it about 15 years ago, another 5 out 5 ;-)

There's some strange people about!

Homeless Guy

This is a homeless guy in New York who found a computer in a bin and goes to Starbucks everyday and plugs his computer in and uses their free Wi-Fi. Read more on the story here.

Safety

Came across this video today.

A DEA agent is teaching kids about drugs and gun safety, then just after he says he is the only one professional enough to handle the gun in the room, he accidently shoots himself in the leg. Then carries on like nothing happened.