Thoughts

Laid in bed writing this on my phone so may cut this short if my fingers feel like they are dropping off.

The last few weeks ive been feeling really down, not been totally sure why. Most of it has been due to work.
It had got to the point where i really didnt want to go. I mean where it crossed my mind not to turn the wheel at the next corner. Would never do that but worried me that it crossed my mind. Couldnt go on feeling like that.

I was being pushed into things at work that i just didnt want to do and didnt consider my job. I tried to mention that i wasnt happy at work a few weeks ago but obviously didnt stress the point enough as no one took any notice. Then finally last week i decided i couldnt go on feeling how i was. Almost felt like crying at times. Still dont know why, everything that has happened to me over the last few years maybe got too much. My problem is i always keep everything to myself so no one knew how i was feeling.

I eventually decided last week that i had to say something at work. i sent an email explaining how i was feeling to my unit boss as i was at another office. When i got back i spoke to her and mentioned the thing that was immediatly causing me problems. Training in a subject i didnt know well enough to train on. This was sorted for me. I also said i needed some time off to sort my head out, which is why i am off now!

Still trying to sort out in my head exactly what is causing me to be so fed up. At work i am totally bored, the work im doing a trained monkey could do. I need a job where i am constantly challenged to learn new things but i have to be interested in it or i just wont take it in. This is exactly why i enjoy messing about with computers in the 1st place, always something new and interesting to learn. But just not in my job. Another annoying thing is i never get chance to finish anything. I started some databases over a year ago and they still arent finished and never have the time or the peace and quiet to finish them.

A lot of the stuff that is happening is almost a mirror of what happened in a previous job when all the it was moved regionally and i was pushed into finance. Feels the same again being pushed into information which is really boring to me.

Not quite sure what i can do at work to sort this.

Maybe i just need another job, dont wanna leave in some ways. I have made a lot of friends and the people i work with i really like. Will see what happens...

Had other stuff on my mind as well i suppose, everyone i ever go out with always seams to be attached become something of a joke to some of my mates. Although not to me. Thought i had met the perfect person last year, said she loved me but then went back to her fiance (said they were always attached). suppose i always knew that would happen. No longer suprising how easy some people say they are in love. wont personally say it unless i truelly am. Still care for her but have moved on but would still do anything for her.

I am now seeing someone else but this is even more complicated, love her and she loves me but some big decisions need making. Hopefully most of these will be made tomorrow night when we see each other.

Sometimes just feel like leaving everything and getting away from absolutely everything. But know i have far too much to throw it away. Friends and family especially :-)

My fingers are now dropping off writing all this on my phone. Wouldnt normally write or tell anyone anything like this but hoping writing this will help me sort out what i want.