Tough

It was my first day at work after my holiday today. Jesus it was boring, didn't get any work done as I was answering the phone all day. Its good speaking to people I am friends with but get sick of speaking to some of the other miserable bastards.

I thought I might of been invigorated and more positive after a break but think I am even more sick of it than before. Maybe it is time for a complete career change. Sick of sitting at a desk all day bored out of my skull.

Ignoring work I did start speaking more to someone who means so much to me (will remain anonymous). I went over to her house tonight as I said I would sort her laptop out, it was good that we are talking again and finally got to talk a bit. She is in the process of splitting up with her fiance, altohugh he doesnt want to accept it.

It was good in some ways but very hard in others. I love her to bits and have told her before but she obviously doesn't feel the same. To be fair she has got enough stuff to be dealing with at the minute. Although when she mentioned that she had met someone a couple of weeks ago, it felt like I had been stabbed in the heart. When she explained, it ended up being nothing, she had spoke to some guy a few times and he had come over to see her then he never contacted her. There is nothing there, although from the sound of it she is scared of being alone.

I wrote something similar a couple of months ago saying that she seamed to fear being alone, which is why I thought she was still with her fiance. She read it and then went very quiet. I dont think I am much different, suppose I cant fear being alone as I am permanently alone.

The strangest thing about all this is I dreamt about her years before I ever actually met her. I did tell her some of this a year ago. Maybe that was one of many things that scared her off. (Note to self, sometimes I can now be too honest)

I think I need to make some more big changes in my life, the 1st step was going away last week on my own for a few days.

When I drove home tonight I think I was a bit confused and upset. The fact that the speed rose to nearly 3 figures showed that. Normally when I do that on dark country lanes its coz I just dont care anymore. This time it was because I needed to release some emotion before I exploded (Hard to bite my tongue sometimes). I promised myself I would just come out and be 100% honest but dont wanna fuck anything up again. Dont wanna go through everything again!

The more I think about it the more I am very similar to her emotionally, oh well think I've done enough rambling. Not getting me anywhere.

Just hope she doesnt read this, guess she cant I have her computer :-)