Aborted Run

Distance: ran 2.8 miles (should of been nearly 4)
Time: 27 minutes to 2.8 miles
MotionBased

I had to abort tonights run a mile from the end because of pins and needles in my feet. This has only happened twice before on 2nd of June. Then a few minutes before my heart problems in Canada, so obviously I decided to walk. I walked from 2.8 miles (last arrow) for half a mile then stopped the timer on my watch it then shows a straight dotted line to end (not the exact path). I was trying to beat this run and was on course to do so, I was feeling OK. This is the hardest I have pushed my heart since the problems.

I think I can explain why the pins and needles happened. The Atenolol stops my heart beating so fast, but because I was pushing hard my heart was having to work more but was being blocked by the tablets from beating as fast as it needed to. So it couldn't pump enough blood to my extremities (my feet). This isn't good when I'm trying to improve my times and get fit for the Great North Run but fits with what the doctor told me, that will be in another post.

Short Test Run

Distance: 1.88 miles
Time: 19:09
Motionbased

I went for a very short run today, I set off thinking about doing a long run but I quickly realised that wasn't going to happen. It was hotter than I had realised, I always struggle when its hot. I decided it was best to do a short run, see how everything looked and felt. Then if all was well I could go out again tonight when its cooler and I have woke up.

My heart rate looks a lot better than it used to before taking Atenolol, more where you would expect it to be :-)

Hospital

I went to see the cardiologist at Bishop Auckland Hospital today, I had a couple of tests (ECG and Echo Cardiogram). The doctor said I needed the dose of the Atenolol cut to 50mg from the 100mg I have been taken. My heart rate was too low, no wonder I've been dozing off and been unable to concentrate.

I asked again if it was OK to go walking and running and he said yes although not today. My mother who was there because she had driven me asked about hiking because I wanted to go to the lakes. He then wasn't so sure and said he didn't think it was a good idea to go up mountains. I think he must of thought I was gonna be hanging off some mountain, if I'm OK to run then I'm OK to go to the lakes as far as I'm concerned.

He reckons I must of been scared when on the roller coaster and that was the problem. Everyone I see tells me something different. The things I have done and been through in recent times were a lot more scary than going on a roller coaster so don't believe his theory. Especially when I was fine until a few minutes after it.

Hot Fuzz

Hot Fuzz: I've been wanting to watch this for a while but thought it might not live up to my expectations. I was right for most of the film but in the last 30 minutes loads of actions happened and I ended up really enjoying the movie.

I didn't really laugh until the last 30 minutes, I'd already logged into IMDB ready to rate the movie 6, then all the action happened. My vote has been changed to 8 :-)

Off to Hospital

I'm off to Bishop Auckland Hospital today to see a Cardiologist. I got a call yesterday to say they had put extra sessions on this week, so there was an appointment available for me.

The appointment is 2 o'clock and I've got to take a bottle of piss (urine sample).

So hopefully I will get a couple of questions answered, fingers crossed anyway.

Powaqqatsi

Powaqqatsi: I decided I needed a thinking film and put this on. Its more a visual documentary I guess, there are no words only pictures and some music.

It wasn't all I had hoped, maybe I was spoiled when I watched Baraka. I haven't found anything in this genre to come close to that movie.

The plot outline of this is: "An exploration of technologically developing nations and the effect the transition to Western-style modernization has had on them."

I gave it a 6 out of 10 but I was left feeling disappointed but did get me thinking though.

Click

Click: I sat and watched this tonight and enjoyed it. I normally like Adam Sandler movies, you know what you getting. This especially struck a cord because of things I've been going over in my head.

If you've seen the film, you may not what I'm on about. If not go and watch it. I gave it 8 out of 10 probably because it fitted my mood and thoughts :-)

Kate Beckinsale looked gorgeous as well!

Music Lists

Anyone who has known me for a while, should know I like my music and anyone who has looked at this blog a few times will also know how I regularly make lists (rarely do anything on them though). At the moment I'm trying to make 2 music lists which are incredibly hard. My Top 100 Songs and My Desert Island Discs. I have just about every song for the Top 100 but can't decide on the order. The Desert Island Discs is about finished as well, just gotta decide between a couple of songs.

Just because people sometimes think I can be morbid, I'm also doing a short list to be played when I die. Thought about this one for a lot of years, lol.

For some of the songs I feel I should have a description of why and what it means to me, hmm very hard.

I Am...

Am I Wembley?

This is all part of my masterplan, now no one will have any idea what the fook I am on about, lol!

Grow Your Own

I cooked myself some Balsamic Steak Stir Fry, I got the recipe off the Tesco site. It was very nice although my mam interupted me while I was at the end of the cooking. She started going on about my vegetables being ready to pick.

So I quickly ate my stir fry, so much for being given chance to enjoy your food. Then went out and lifted some of my potatoes. I have 3 types of potatoes but only lifted 1 today, "Maxine". They are red skinned potatoes, wasn't a bad crop for 3 plants.

I also picked a cabbage but its not great most of the cabbage plants have been badly eaten by stuff. I didn't want to use any chemicals on any of the plants though. I tried some peas as well but they need a little bit longer to fatten. The strawberry was nice but was only 1 ripe. Oh forgot about the Courgettes I picked another 4 :-)

Transformers

Transformers: I went to see this tonight at the Metro Centre with some free tickets I'd been given. I really enjoyed it, lots of action and sort of like reliving my youth. Although they had updated some of the characters a bit to make them look more modern.

I found myself in the beginning recognising various people from TV Shows like Las Vegas, 24, X-files...

I gave the movie 8 out of 10, worth going to see :-)

too much thinking time

now i am starting to relax i think i have too much time to think. It
was probably a bad idea to listen to REM but ended up with tears in my
eyes remembering when i first reached the hospital in Toronto. I was
wheeled in to the hospital and stopped in what looked like a corridor
i could see at least one other person on a bed further over from me.
It was hard to tell because there was so many people around me. I
looked up at the monitor and think it read 218bpm. I looked to my left
at a couple of the medical staff, i thought i could see worry and
slight panic in their eyes. That's when i thought is this it, am i
gonna end my days in a corridor, in a strange country, alone. Kay was
there somewhere behind me i think and i was surrounded by medical
staff but not exactly anyone there who loved me or doing something i
love or spectacular. Didn't want to go like that. In reality i was
probably never anywhere near that happening but i didn't know that
then and still don't know now.

Although it sounds bad this is what i hoped would happen now while i'm
off. I don't mean die, lol. I wanted to actually take in what happened
and go over it in my head. Since it happened, its been like a
whirlwind, never getting chance to just sit and take stock. When i was
telling people what happened it was like i was telling a story about
someone else, not me.

The days after getting out of the hospital i was being constantly told
my faults, of which i have many. Maybe it was the right time to tell
me or maybe not, i think i was absent from my body most of the time
while in canada. No i wasn't on drugs, except the same ones the doc
has me on now. What i'm on about is i just wasn't myself. Still not
entirely sure why. Partly the tablets, partly not wanting to offend,
lots of reasons...

I need to stop writing stuff like this on here and keep it to my other
blog that only i have access to.

Hopefully now i am starting to take things in, i can make some
decisions rather than avoiding such things.

Not a lot

I haven't done a lot today. I filled out my travel insurance claim form and had to go to the doctors to ask for the original invoice I had been given in Canada. The insurance needed originals, I had taken a copy of it and handed it to the doctor because it had a break down of all the tests they had done.

The surgery said they had attached it to the referral letter to the Cardiologist, which was still upstairs because the letter had only been signed yesterday. So they had spent nearly 2 weeks and hadn't even sent it off yet, there is a postal strike tomorrow, so the earliest its gonna get there is Friday. They said it took about a month, I'm presuming that wasn't including taking 2 weeks to do the letter.

Not too keen on driving anywhere during the middle of the day anymore, I had to drive down to Crook twice to do with my insurance letter and felt very very tired both times. I'm pleased it was only 1.5 miles each way.

I spent a bit of time scanning my documents into the computer today, so I could find them easily if I wanted. I can do a search for bills and anything I've scanned in now. When I set it up I would be able to login from the Web and view stuff from anywhere in the world if I needed to, like I'm gonna be going anywhere, lol.

I would of liked to of gone to the lakes but don't think I'm safe driving that far at the momentm although If I drive early or late I would be OK.

relaxing day

i decided i would have a relaxing day today, which is what i needed. I
had been thinking about going walking to the lakes but probably not
the best idea driving there with my tendency to want to sleep at the
moment. I got up late which isn't suprising when i was still listening
to music at 2am. I spent a while sitting in the sun with the parents.
Sat in my yard tonight eating my tea in the sun as well. Makes a
change for me to just sit when at home. I always think i should be
doing something. Had thought about going off somewhere tomorrow but if
weather is crap i might have a day watching films, haven't done that
in ages :-)

Off Sick

I rang and made an appointment at the doctors today, I decided there was something up with me. I know I haven't got the best memory but I kept forgetting everything. I would forget halfway through a conversation what I was on about and constantly forgot what people were telling me at work. In the middle of the day I could of dozed off.

The doctor told me its a side effect of the tablets and basically told me I had a choice. I could carry on taking the tablets and not have any heart problems or stop taking the tablets and possibly have another heart incident like in Canada.

I may not of had any problem if I'd stopped taking them but until I see the cardiologist I'd rather not take any chances, so I chose to stay on the tablets and be off work sick. I was given a 2 week sick note, I probably wont of seen the Cardiologist by then but the doc said that often the tablets side effects wear off after a few weeks. So I could be fine by then...

My perfect sick record has gone out of the window but I don't care. My health is more important than some stupid work sickness record which you get no thanks for!

I don't want to sit on my arse during the next 2 weeks, I feel worse when sat doing nothing. When exercising I am more alert. I may go to the lakes tomorrow but not sure whether to leave it for a couple of days and have a lie in tomorrow, to make up some of the 3 days worth of sleep I lost over the last 2 weeks. Tons of stuff to do around the house, which could be a safer bet than driving to the lakes. Don't want to fall asleep at the wheel like I wasn't far off doing in Canada a couple of times.

still worn out

i still feel totally worn out most of the time. So i'm gonna ring the
doctors in the morning and see about getting an appointment tomorrow.

I just don't know whether i've not caught up and missed sleep, body
hasn't had chance to recover or if its the tablets or a combination of
all 3.

The tablets appear to be helping to lower my heart when exercising. My
heart is about 50 bpm lower than it always was before when running or
hiking, it's at more normal levels. I read up a bit on the tablets and
they shouldn't really affect of when not doing anything they lower the
heart when it starts beating faster i think it said by lowering
testosterone levels or something like that.

The last week i've been unable to concentrate on anything and haven't
been able to recall names and stuff that was just mentioned to me.

First Run After Hospital

Distance: 3.07 miles
Time: 38 minutes
Max Heart Rate: 156 bpm
Average Heart Rate: 134 bpm

I decided to go for my first run since my heart problems, I went out running with Neil from work around the regular dinner time run. He'd done it about 3 times while I was away.

I wasn't sure how I was going to hold up but got a huge surprise when my heart rate stayed low, at a rate that you would expect someone at my fitness level to have. My heart has always been really high above the normal heart rate zones. Today though it barely got into zone 4, this must been due to the beta blockers, I didn't run as fast as I normally would either but even so my heart still would of been beating a lot faster in the past.

I still think the beta blockers are making me tired though, still feel totally worn out :-(

Link to MotionBased

theory

i have a theory as to why i'm feeling so tired. I have been doing a
test with my forerunner using the heart rate monitor. As i write this
is tells me my heart rate is 46 bpm, it went down to 42 for a while
before when i was doing nothing.

My theory is when i take the beta blockers they are lowering my heart
rate even more, which is what they are supposed to do. Yet because my
resting heart rate is low in the first place its making it really low
and making me very tired.

I took the tablet at about 7:30 this morning but by dinner time i just
wanted to sleep. I didn't feel quite so bad when i was wandering
around stockton office but once sat in the car i felt tired again, the
same at home.

I feel awake now but i would imagine the tablet is about worn off. I
will test the theory tomorrow by wearing my heart monitor and
regularly checking it. If when sat working i feel really tired will
make a note of how low the heart rate is!

Sickness

2 people today have mentioned about not getting any prizes for having a perfect sick record. Don't know why I bother you get fuck all.

Pissed off with more discrepancies at work between areas, its getting ridiculous.

Will see how I feel tomorrow as to whether I christen the sick record, but knowing me I will be in as normal no matter how I feel. I am planning to run tomorrow dinner time as well. So see how things go...

Not feeling the best

I was going to work through my dinner today other than eating a nice dinner that Helen from HR picked up for me but I feel crap. So I decided I spend a few minutes writing on here.

I feel unbelievably tired and finding it hard to concentrate on anything. What's worse though is my chest feels a bit funny, not like when I went to hospital. It just feels bruised or aching, I described it as if I'd been punched and I was bruised but not sure that's the best analogy. Maybe more like your muscles would after exercise, just aching.

Not about to keel over (I hope), not that I actually keeled over in Canada. Think I'm just worn out, which isn't surprising having missed hours and hours of sleep recently. Last night was the first time I've had a normal nights sleep since getting back but feel worse for it.

I've been considering going home sick for the last couple of hours but pointless now, only a few hours to go...don't wanna mess up my perfect sick record either.

Roddymoor Village Hall Meeting

I went to a meeting in the village hall tonight. It was discuss the future of the hall and supposedly a presentation of the opening of the playing field. Other than members of the comitee or other organisation there was only 4 of us. 3 of them were me, my mam and my dad.

It shows no one is bothered, basically its because no one has any faith in any of them and as my dad said people feel they are like a secret society and no one knows what the hell is going on.

I thought about mentioning that I own www.roddymoor.co.uk and www.roddymoor.com which could use to put information on but decided to say nothing for now to see what response comes back from the door to door questionnaires that are going to be carried out. My dad is going to do 2 streets. I think most people wont be bothered or wont be prepared to do anything.

Simon Kernick - Relentless

Just finished reading this book, I read the first half on the flight back home. If you like thrillers, its a worthwhile read. Set in the UK, there are some daft bits but it kept me reading.

I'd give it 4 out of 5

Toronto Run

Distance: 3.23 miles
Max Heart Rate: 206 bpm
Average Heart Rate: 192 bpm

This was the only run I managed to do when on Holiday unfortunately. My heart rate dropped a long way then rose again nearer the end because I had to stop for traffic lights, then I walked a short stretch before starting again.

I wish I had managed to get another run in Toronto and one in each of the other places I stayed, next time :-)

The Good Stuff

Most of my posts from Holiday were very negative, well there was some good bits. So here they are:

CN Tower

We went up the CN Tower which is the tallest building in the world and walked on the glass floor and enjoyed the views.

Beats & Breaks Competition

On the Waterfront in Toronto, watching what we call breakdancing but they said should be called B Bopping. It was fantastic to watch, went back the second day to see the finals.

Whale Watching
I drove up to Tadoussac (1000km from Toronto) so we could go whale watching it was definitely worth it. We went on a boat ride and saw lots and lots of whales. I enjoyed the whole time in Tadoussac, from the nice posh meals to the fabulous views.

Meals
Anyone who knows me, knows how I eat nothing and am very fussy. I decided before going to Canada that I was going to try as many different foods as possible. I can't remember ever saying no to anything and even had cheese which I normally hate. I don't think there was anything I didn't like. A lot of the meals were quite posh but really enjoyed all of the food, even continued the food exploration by going to a proper sit down indian on Friday night once I was home.

Shout Out Out Out Out
I had almost forgot about this, after watching the breaks and beats competition we watched Shout Out Out Out Out who are a Canadian dance group who have 2 drummers and 4 bass players. They sound very different but enjoyed the music and at the end we turned around and there was a huge Fireworks display on.

Flight Home
This might sound bad, but I was pleased to go home so it was a relief when flying but more what I intended when writing "Flight Home" was the fabulous sun rise I watched and while this was happening a plane flew past us which made the sun rise look even more dramatic.

Montmorency Falls
We never made it to Niagra but at least we got to see a waterfall and this was impressive :-)

Accommodation
Some of the accommodation we stopped in was excellent, I think the best was Montreal but maybe thats because they had free Wi-Fi. No it was because the room was very nice and the owner Richard was incredibly helpful. The places we stayed in Toronto and Tadoussac was also really good. Shame Quebec and Kingston didn't match up, 3 out of 5 isn't bad though.

People
Almost everyone we met when in Canada was very friendly, helpful and laid back. That is one of the things I think both of us would take as a positive from Canada.

Run
I managed to get 1 run in before I was unable to, I really enjoyed this running through High Park and down to the the shore of Lake Ontario. I only did just over 3 miles but had intended to do more over the following days.

No more

Right now I finished the last huge post, I'm not writing about what happened with heart again. Unless it's something new!

Heart Explanation

Hopefully this will be the last time I write about my heart for a while but I realised I never wrote what exactly happened, so here goes...

We went to Canada's Wonderland by tube and bus, it was very hot (35+c). I had drank a couple of bottles of water that morning but threw away the last of it when entering Wonderland because they wouldn't allow drinks in. We went straight to the Top Gun rollercoaster, only stopping to take 1 photo for Kay in front of a waterfall.

We joined the queue for Top Gun, which took about an hour before we got on the ride. It was very hot waiting in the queue with very little shade. I felt OK though just a bit hot.

It was the first time I'd been on a rollercoaster for a few years, but just felt the same as I had in the past. A little nervous as you climb to the top of the first drop but then after that it was fine. I got off feeling OK, Kay was complaining about her head being thrown about while on the ride but I was OK. We walked off the ride and walked up past the screens showing the videos of the ride. We watched 30 seconds or so of us before carrying on towards the next ride. Just after this I started to get pins and needles again in my feet and hands. I had mentioned this to Kay when first climbing on the rollercoaster.

I then started to feel very hot and was sweating, also realised my chest was tight. I started to feel very weak. I told Kay I needed to go to the toilet. I sat in the toilet for a couple of minutes trying to pull myself around and throwing water on myself. I decided I couldn't stay there any longer so went out to meet Kay, I walked a few yards to meet her and told her I needed to sit down for a bit. We then moved a bit further and I said I needed to sit again before going on another ride. I could tell Kay was pissed off with me, so told her to go on the ride while I sat down for a while. She said no, I got a drink and shortly after drinking it was sick a couple of time.

Kay said I must have heat stroke or something but I hadn't mentioned about the tight chest, hadn't really thought about it. She tried to make me drink more water but I just couldn't. I managed to have a bit more but just threw it up again. Kay said we should go inside where it was air conditioned. I struggled to walk to the building which was only about 100 yards away. I bought 2 more drinks, then on the way to the seats threw up again and rushed to the toilet. I had no idea what was going on.

I came out of the toilet and sat down, Kay said we couldn't sit here all day and said we should go to the medical centre. I followed her but it felt like we walked miles, it was probably about 1/4 of a mile. We got there and said we thought I might be dehydrated, they took me through and laid me on a bed while they checked my vitals. The lad couldn't find my pulse and looked quite worried, he called over another man who was a paramedic. He checked me out and again looked worried, he hooked me up to a monitor and took my blood pressure. He was then even more worried asked them to call an ambulance. I was still talking away fine to them and Kay but was having problems controlling my breathing and my chest was tighter.

The ambulance arrived and they transfered me onto a stretcher and I got wheeled into the ambulance, it all felt a bit surreal. The Paramedic tried to put a IVF in my arm but had problems. He tried 4 times while on the way to the hospital, he got the driver to pull over at one point to try. He still couldn't manage it, this was to become a common problem when ever anyone tried to take blood (which was lots). Eventually we arrived at the hospital and I could see my heart beat on the screen and could see it was 218. I could see the panic in peoples eyes, when they had struggled to get a line into me. At that moment I thought maybe I was about to die, as my chest felt tighter than ever and people were talking about heart attacks and that it had been going on for about 3 hours. It didn't feel that long to me but Kay said it started at 1 and it was now 4 :-(

I wasn't worried about dying but it went through my head about how it would affect my parents and I felt upset for them. I had no idea what was going on and people kept telling me different things, basically it was because they didn't know. They gave me some Aspirin to chew for a second time because I had just thrown up again. I had tried to warn them that I was gonna be sick again but no one had taken any notice. There was lots of people around me and I think we must of been in a corridor or something. Someone I think the paramedic told me to bear down as if going to the toilet. I tried and then shortly after my heart rate started to gradually slow and the my chest didn't feel quite so tight.

The next few minutes are a slight blur but I ended up in A&E sat up in the bed talking to Kay and a doctor or some medical person. While I was in A&E they attached me to a saline drip and took blood a few times (struggling to take the blood). I also had to give them a urine sample, I was constantly having to answer the same questions from different people. I was beginning to get annoyed with everyone asking me if I had taken drugs. I was sick of telling them I had never taken drugs in my life, but they didn't appear to believe me.

At one point a female doctor (I think), said that I was in a bad way and that there appeared to be problems with my kidneys and liver as well as my heart. I sat there waiting to wake up from the nightmare, it just didn't feel real. I was the fittest I've ever been in my life and much healthier than most people I know. Yet here I was sat in hospital in a foreign country where no one knew what was wrong with me, least of all me.

I was in A&E for quite a while, I said Kay should go as it was getting later and she was going to have problems getting back to the B&B because we had no idea where we were. She said she would wait a bit longer, I felt really bad for her and really guilty :-(

I eventually had to give my credit card and after a while they said they were moving me to a private room upstairs. The room had a tv and a phone and thought it might not be too bad if I could watch TV. Once I was in the room we asked for some directions on how Kay could get a bus back, she got some very vague instructions from a nutty nurse, then Kay went.

I tried the TV but it had a message about contacting TV Services, I asked the nutty nurse who just mumbled about getting it sorted if I was in there was for 3 or 4 days. I realised it was going to be a very long boring night. During the night a nurse came about every hour to take blood and struggled each time getting the blood. I got up and went to the toilet dragging my drip and wires behind me. When I got back in bed the nurse turned up saying my readings had gone very high, I tried to explain that I'd gone to the toilet but she didn't understand. I then got sick of all the noise of people walking past. So got up again and stretched across the room to close the door but I could reach with my hand because of the drip. So I stretched my leg across to close it. I could see my heart rate going higher again (still not bad). The nurse turned up once I was back in bed again, leaving the bloody door open I'd just shut.

I must of dosed off for a couple of minutes because I suddenly woke up with a doctor leaning over me. He told me various things, which I now can't remember and eventually he said he was moving me to CCU (Coronary Care Unit) where there would be 1 to 1 nursing. So at about 1:30am I got moved to CCU and I can sort of remember a black nurse saying hello my name is Marigold. I think I got about 30 minutes sleep that night. I was starving by the morning as all I had eaten was some breakfast the day before. I thought I hadn't been allowed to eat so hadn't said anything but did now. They got me some breakfast and i met a new nurse called Adaline, she was really nice. I spent another night in there and during the day got introduced to Dr Blakely by Cardiologist. He was going on about heart by passes and how good of a success rate they have with heart operations and stuff. I sat there thinking it can't be that bad what is he going on about. I said could I leave that day but he said he wanted to keep me in another night :-(

Adaline was really good during the day but she went off shift later than she was supposed to at about 9pm. The next nurses in the unit weren't so nice and told me off for going to the toilet, which Adaline had let me do rather than using a bottle. she also moaned at me for not having mentioned about food. I thinks he was called Helen, when I tried to use a bottle my heart rate went high. Mainly because you struggle to use the thing in bed and you have people constantly coming in (stage fright as well). I couldn't hold off any longer by the early morning so spent ages trying to go to the toilet without my heart rate going up. I knew they wouldn't let me out if it did.

The following morning Adaline was back again and she got an English doctor who used to work in the unit to come and speak to me and explain things better. She also got me to wear a portable monitor and walk around the ward because I said I wanted to leave. She said the only way that would happen was if I could prove I was OK by walking about. So I did and I was fine.

Eventually Blakely came in later in the morning and he was told I'd been fine overnight and that I'd been walking around with no problems. I told him I wanted to leave because I was going to Montreal the following day. He wanted me to stay another night but I said I wanted to leave. Adaline had collared the other Cardiologist in the lift to get a second opinion and he thought I would be fine to leave. So the 2 Cardiologists discussed it and agreed I could leave. I waited around for ages for my Discharge summary but eventually got it.

I must say the Canadian Health care is a lot better than ours. I had lots of test, 3 Chest X-rays, Echo sounds, ECGs, Blood and urine tests and loads more all within 48 hours. It would take weeks for all of these in the UK if not months. As an example I've been told it will take about a month for the referral to see a Cardiologist in the UK.

Here's the Discharge Summary with the Diagnosis of Supraventricular Tachycardia:

Click it for readable version, not that it will make much more sense.

tomorrow

i was intending to go to the lakes tomorrow or today now i guess but
the way the weather has been and because i'm shattered i've decided
against it.

I need to do some exercise tomorrow to give my heart a test but not
sure what yet.

I've got loads of stuff to do around the house but just feel worn out.
I don't think the tablets are helping, think they are making me more
lethargic than normal.

Anyway hopefully i might finish sorting my holiday stuff tomorrow, maybe...

last night

i went out for jays birthday last night. There was only us 2 until
late on. We ended up going to spice corner a sit down indian. I bought
jays meal for him as his birthday present, we never get each other
anything usually other than a drink. So i continued my culinary
exploration by trying an indian. I actually enjoyed it.

Afterwards we met up with aaron, jays brother. Then a bit later wayne
and mick. Oh and the ex lisa was also out and ended up sitting with
us.

We had a good night until we went to bar 56 where jay got accused of
dealing drugs because he shook a lads hand. We weren't happy and it
ruined the night, i was fuming and about put my fist through a toilet
door. Soon calmed down though :-)

Tonight

I went out tonight for Jay's Birthday, it was very quiet. We were both hungry so we decided to go for an Indian and I actually ate Indian food. We had a good night but it went down hill when Jay got accused of drug dealing in Bar 56 by the bouncers who know him quite well. Jay shook someones hand who he hadn't seen for months.

I was very angry and eventually I put my fist through a toilet door, which was better than the bouncers head I guess. We went home not long after, although I was a lot calmer by then...

Update on my Heart

Well I have one, although I thought it was broke a long time ago ;-)

I went to see a doctor now I'm back home this morning. Before I went I re-read my discharge Summary and it has a bit in BOLD at the bottom saying DIAGNOSIS which I managed to totally not read.

The Diagnosis: Supraventricular Tachycardia.

I told the doctor roughly what had happened and passed him all the paperwork I was given, he said he would need to read through it all and would refer me to a cardiologist. This could take a few weeks, he gave me a prescription for Atenolol which I have been taking since I left the hospital.

I asked if there was anything I had to stop doing and specifically asked about running and hiking. He said no I could carry on doing anything I liked but when running I probably wont be able to run as far and will get out breath sooner due to the Atenolol (bollocks). He then said I may wish to hold off the running until I've seen the Cardiologist but I didn't have to.

He said I would probably be fine and may not have anything like it again, sometimes people never have another episode. Which sounds good to me!

This fits with what they were more or less saying in Canada. They thought it was brought on by being dehydrated, then going on the roller coaster. I read a little on Supraventricular Tachycardia (SVT) on Wikipedia and one way they suggested to stop it was to bear down (as if going to the toilet). This is what they got me to do when I got to the hospital, which is when my heart started to slow down. Before this they were talking about restarting my heart.

The Paramedic came to see me when I was laid in A&E after my heart had slowed down and he told me that if it ever happened again, to bear down. So I will remember that and hopefully wont ever need to!

So I now await the Cardiologist referal which will probably take weeks (the glorious NHS).

I've decided to go walking in the lakes this weekend on my own, probably Sunday. I need some time away on my own to go through what has happened to me.

More stuff later

I should be uploading the rest of my pictures this afternoon and a couple of videos. I'm off to the doctors at 11:30, hopefully they can explain stuff a bit better to me...

Back Home

Just a very short post to say I home and pleased to be back. I've had some good times as well as some frightening but more on them another time.

the final countdown

i am into the last 24 hours of my holiday. This time tomorrow i should
be in the plane on my way home. I am really looking forward to it, its
been no normal holiday.

I know anyone reading this will think it has been constant misery. It
hasn't, there have been some great times. Kay just asked me what was
going to be the most memorable things from the holiday. I said
obviously the hospital, then trying lots of different food and the
whale watching. There is also watching the be-bopping, the driving
which was an adventure. Today there was also the falls in quebec.

Kay thought my memory would be cheese besides for hospital. Eaten it most days.

I have been quite angry a lot of the time, having to bite my tongue.
It's no wonder i was quiet most of the holiday, some people are just
so annoying. I'm sure kay will say the same and probably a lot worse.

I can't really be bothered to write anymore tonight, because i'm tired
from the driving again. I drove over 400 of the 600kms today. I found
it more stressfull when kay tried driving today. I was pleased when i
took over the wheel again.

I have 300km to drive back to toronto tomorrow. Will drop the car off,
then get the subway and bus to the airport. I would of just got a taxi
but kay isn't keen after the drive from the airport.

Suppose i should try to sleep. I will write everything up properly and
be more positive once safely home :-)

never wrong

some people think they are never wrong. Their way is always the right
way and wont admit it when they make a mistake. I think this is one of
the worst things people could posses.

what a day

spent the day until 3pm in tadoussac which was great going around the
whale museum. Watching the whales from the shore oh and i ate cheese
again. Wasn't keen on it though. No val i am not eating pizza i've
been eating posh food, not pizza. I'm determined to carry on hiking
even if it does kill me. Which i'm sure it wont but will be happier
when i find out what's going on with my body.

After tadoussac i drove to quebec city, i offered the keys to Kay but
the wanted me to drive out of tadoussac and over the ferry but then
there wasn't anywhere nice and easy for her to start from. Then it
rained and we went the scenic route, which was narrow and windy. She
then had a go coz i hadn't let her drive. She never said, can i drive
now or anything, so i wasn't very happy.

We stopped at a tourist information place on the outskirts of quebec
and got directions. But when we got into quebec there was roads closed
off everywhere. We knew where we wanted to be but had no way to get
there. Kay started to have panic attacks and feeling ill. Thank god it
was me driving!

In the end we had to park the car quite a long way from the hotel and
walk in. We spent 2.5 hours driving around quebec :-(

We got into the hotel and it wasn't what we hoped. Once we got to the
room kay broke down in tears. I just wanted to teleport home. I can't
deal with my own emotions nevermind someone elses.
I wanted to give her a hug but didn't want to overstep the mark. She
just wanted me to talk but what the hell do i say?
Thought she might crack me one if i gave her a hug.

Eventually when went out for something to eat and had a very nice
meal. My starter was vegetable soup, main was duck, baked potato and
something else cant remember what. Then had black forest gatau. Washed
down with coffee and 1 litre of red wine we shared.

We don't have any of our slothes or wash things because they are in
the boot and the car park is locked up when we went at midnight :-(

If i stayed slightly drunk me and kay might get on better because i
talk constantly but at other times i say nowt. Although i have been
hungry most of the time, which means i become quiet and have no
energy. I have lost more weight over the holiday.

Sounds like kay has gone to sleep as she is making some funny noises,
not snoring. Just stopped. Last night i woke up and she was giggling
away but she had no idea what about when i asked her earlier tonight.

thanks and getting better

thanks for the comments :-)

I drove up to tadoussac yesterday from Montreal, its just as well i
like driving. Most of the roads are horrible flat straight things.
They got lots better after quebec city when we hit the mountains. We
had no map for the route here other than looking at some wall map.
Luckily i remembered what it looked like and guessed the way here. I
think kay was stressed not knowing where we were but i got up here.

Tadoussac is fantastic it looks beautiful, i will take some pictures
today. We went whale watching yesterday and saw lots and lots of
whales.

We then went to a fancy restaurant last night that mixed some strange
flavours but it worked. No one would believe i have eaten cheese 4
times on this holiday. No wonder i ended up in hospital, lol.

I hear i have been upstaged at work by christine who had to have an
operation on holiday.

Well i have to go for breakfast soon, so bye for now.

montreal

we arrived in montreal later than expected expected due to sorting
travellers cheques and the hire car. I drove all of the 600km, it was
a lot better than i expected. I had been dreading it. Kay didn't seem
to want to volunteer either. Left her the duty of map reading which
i've decided isn't her thing either no matter what she says. She got
very flustered when heading into montreal. So i pulled in and entered
the route into google maps on the phone from where we had pulled over
to the b and b, it then took about 5 minutes if that to get there.

The guy who owns the place was very helpful and told up the best
places to go and we ended up in a great restaurant.

I feel fine after my heart problems but i'm trying to take it easy. I
haven't told kay the couple of times my chest has felt a little tight,
nothing bad and it wasn't over my heart either. I do feel just normal,
but has made me look back over things from the last couple of years.

The hardest thing about this holiday other than the heart is me and
kay. We just haven't got much to talk about. She thinks its just of
being miserable or lacking conversation skills, its more i bite my
tongue rather than saying what i'm thinking usually random thoughts.
When i do say them she looks at me like some kind of idiot. Not sure
if this is the best place to write this but have told her this and
more over the last day but conversation is still hard and she would
totally agree and sure she is pissed off.

I have learnt plenty of stuff about myself, which i already knew but
confirmed in my head.

I always said i would die young but not just yet...

I know kay is really pissed off with me because of being in hospital.
She has joked it but i know she really is. I don't blame her because
i'm really pissed off about not seeing niagra falls :-(

Disaster strikes

I just wrote this out once and hit the wrong button and wiped the lot.
This is gonna be a short summary then as its late.
On monday we went to wonderland, after the first ride i ended up in
the medical centre with what turned out to be a problem with my heart.
I got sent to hospital by ambulance where i spent the next 2 nights. I
just got out earlier today after requesting some more opinions or i
would still be in there.
My arms look like i am a junkie because they've taken so much blood
and had the ivf in me and injected me a few times.
They suspected a heart attack at first but have ruled it out now but i
have got some heart problem which will need further tests in the uk.
I am driving to montreal tomorrow which isn't the best thing to be
doing i guess.

Kay has been getting 2 subways and 2 buses each way to visit me in
hospital and even lent me her sudoko book. She's been great, this was
supposed to be a relaxing holiday to help her get over her stress at
work :-(

She has just gone to sleep, so has stopped giving me grief for
tonight. The worst thing is we have never got the chance to see
niagra, bollocks!

The hospital experience cost me $6300 which should be refunded by
travel insurance, kay has spoke to them a couple of times.

I guess when i get back i am going to have to review a lot of the
activities i do. Running, hiking, etc. This is gonna kill me nevermind
whatever the problem is with my heart. I love walking but until i know
for certain whats wrong i should try not to look on the black side of
things.

Will try to write more when i get chance...

So far today

Its been a better day so far. We've been up the cn tower and just had
some food on the waterfront. It was some foreign thing, well to me
anyway ;-)

We are sat on the waterfront listening to some live music. Gonna have
a look around a gallery in a minute then a boat ride to the islands.

So pictures yet because i haven't found a free wifi network.

Yesterday

Shoe shops, if i see another i'm gonna fire bomb it.
I had one of my days where i don't see much, people often think i am
just being miserable as kay did.
I was just hungry all i had to eat was a hotdog until about 5. Suppose
i was a bit bored as well walking aimlessly around. We tried to go up
the cn tower but didn't want to wait 2.5 hours in a queue. We will go
back early tomorrow i guess now.

Kay can hardly walk today, she has some problems with her feet. I was
gonna go for a run this morning but i have no skin left on my feet,
lol.

This sounds like a miserable post but i didn't intend it to be. Think
i might get wrong when kay gets out of the shower because i let her
lie in. Thought she needed it.

Today is gonna be a good day :-)

Here

We are here. We had an eventful taxi ride, kay thought it was anyway
but didn't really bother me. Kay was clearly distressed as he was all
over the place as if used the mobile, cb and fiddled with the gps.
Gonna keep this short coz wrote it once and lost it when pressing the
wrong button.
We went for a walk to orientate ourselves. We spent 2.5 hours in high,
then over an hour in a bar.
Really good so far...
We are off to downtown tomorrow and up the cn tower :-)

Video

Just tried using Shozu to send video straight to the blog but its a bit crap. It added it but makes you download the mp4 file which people will have problems playing. I also uploaded it to my YouTube account. I've added the link to Canada section on the right, so anything I record will be uploaded hopefully to YouTube.

The test video is below, it's really poor quality because I was laid in bed with only the lamp on beside me. The room is a shit tip as well because I've still got half my stuff laid about before my hols. I wont be able to embed any YouTube video while away, you'll have to follow the link ont he right.

I probably wont record any videos or take any pictures with my phone after all this testing, lol.

Testing video

Testing video recording and uploading from phone.

Last quick test

I've just done a last test using my phone to take pictures and I've removed the counter from the right of this blog. It's been replaces by 3 links to stuff relating to my holiday. Places I'm staying, photo map hopefully not long after taking them and the direct link to the photos.

The Flickr stuff is dependent on me finding free Wi-Fi coverage!

Not long now

Its not long now before i fly to canada. I am totally not organised
and think i need to see about taking tuesday off, i'm gonna be running
around otherwise.
I have to order my money tomorrow. If i get it from barclays they will
have the money and travellers cheques in the following day.
I have to go to darlington 1st thing tomorrow, then will go to durham
rather than middlesbrough.
I'm looking forward to the holiday but haven't got into holiday mode yet.

Future and thinking

I heard some bad family news tonight which has made me look at my life
again, which i already was doing after my birthday.

Recently i've become lazier and lazier and had no motivation but i
can't carry on like this. I'm wasting time, there are lots of things i
could be doing and experiencing.

Rather than setting specific tasks at the moment i should think of
some rules or almost mission statements to live my life by. Yeah sad i
know but i've had one for a long time but don't stick to it enough:
Live each day as if it's your last.

All i ever mean by this is to enjoy each day because you never know
what will happen the next.

Another thing i've tried to do is say YES to things when asked. It's a
good way of trying new things, meeting new people but can become
expensive, lol.

I'm going to do some thinking over the next couple of days and really
look at what and who is important to me.

Blencathra via Hall's Fell

Distance: 6.7 miles
Wainwrights: Blencathra

I went for this walk yesterday with Hayley. We wanted somewhere that was fairly close to us, so we didn't have to drive for too long. I chose not to go up the Sharp Edge route, but still chose Hall's Fell ascent. I found it easy but it was harder than I expected.

We had a really good day and both enjoyed some of the easy scrambling up Hall's Fell Ridge.

I've been saving this mountain for a special day but decided it fitted the bill for what we wanted. I will save the Sharp Edge route for another time though :-)

I didn't take many pictures unfortunately but here's a couple...

(Above) From the top of Blencathra looking West along the ridge

(Above) looking along the ridge again with Derwent Water behind

(Above) Looking down Middle Tongue, with Hall's Fell Ridge to the left.

(Above) Me at the top of Blencathra looking as un-photogenic as always.

Phone Testing

You can see from the last couple of posts that I have been testing out sending photos from my N95 phone. I am hoping I can use the phone to take some of the picture when I'm in Canada and upload them via Wi-Fi to the internet. People could then see where we've been while we are still away.

Besides for taking pictures and uploading them, I've managed to get the phone to geo-tag the images. This means that in Flickr you can then see on a map where they were taken.

If you look at this link, it shows the 1 test image I've tried to far. Any pictures I take in the future will show up on that same map.

The main draw back is the image quality, pictures of scenery just don't come out very well. Closer pictures look good, but for a phone I guess it's good. I'm taking my normal camera as well, Kay has hopefully ordered her camera today. So between the 3 cameras we should have some decent pictures :-)

Test from phone

Another test

Testing photo blogging from phone

This is a test sending an image from my phone and blogging it using shozu.

Good Day

Well it was a good day, it was fairly lonely until tonight. I've had texts and emails from several friends, from down the street to Germany and Spain. Strangely someone from my form at school also contacted me today. I haven't spoken to to him since I left school in 95.

Anyway its been a good day. I'm up to number 34 on that list, started at 100 remember (see previous post). Tempted to listen until the end but it will be about 4am by then and would have to be up by 7 at the latest!!

Previous challenges and some music

I mentioned a couple of posts ago that I was gonna set some plans for the future but failed to mention about the ones I set at the beginning of the year. 2 of them recorded on the right side of this site have stalled. Wainwrights and 1001 Albums.

The Wainwrights I changed my outlook to walking during the West Highland Way, I decided that its not necessarily about racing over peaks, its about enjoying it and taking in the views. So I decided I wouldn't try to do all the Wainwrights this year but over the next couple of years. I have been busy with other things like sorting out my Holiday the last few weekends. I will resume the Wainwrights after the holiday :-)

The 1001 Albums I can't see me completing this year, but I don't need to unless I die at the beginning of next year. The full title is 1001 Albums to listen to before you die. I said I'd die young but don't think its next year but you never know.

I still like my lists of music, started working through someones 100 Best Songs Ever list from Last.FM. He has similar music to me, so thought I'd give them a listen. Here's the list, I'm working back over from 100. So far I'm up to 63!

Spending

I have finally succumbed and bought another iPod, I have always intended to buy another but was going to buy one in Canada to save money. Yet I never actually got around to seeing how much I'd save until tonight. I would save £20, bollocks to that. I'd rather take an iPod filled with music with me. If anything goes wrong as it has twice before it's easier to send back if bought in UK.

So I've gone months without an iPod for nowt. It's costing me £208, it works out at £187 in Canada. I bought a book to take to Canada as well, Relentless by Simon Kernick.

Finally I can listen to the latest music again in the car without having to write CDs :-)

The Future

I suppose first I should mention the job. I have spent dozens of posts moaning about it. I read a post from June 29th last year moaning about how sick of it I was and needed a kick up the arse to sort the situation out. Little did I know that less than a week later I got a fucking pile driver. Yet rather than jumping and giving in which would of been all too easy I stuck it out. At the moment things are looking better and for the first time in a long long time I've stopped back later at work a few times of my own choosing in the last couple of weeks. Even more strange is I spent 6 hours last night, 2 of them on my Birthday (midnight-2am) doing stuff for work. Don't worry sneaker pimps I haven't brought any international secrets home that I was intending to mail to the News of the World (not last night anyway). I was sat writing code that I could use for some stuff at work, now that's more like it, something useful to both work and me. They get my time (wont be claiming it) and skills and I learn something and feel happy.

So now that work is starting to get better until the next crisis, I will probably now decide to leave. Gemini's always like change and hop from thing to thing, rarely completing stuff. There are just to many things to learn and experience. Life is becoming a bit too mundane and I'm feeling old. So I need something to challenge me:

I will be looking the the future for the rest of the week and planning a few things. Although this time I am going to try as hard as I can to stick to the plans. Yes I make plans constantly and very rarely complete any, because I quickly lose interest. Variety and new experiences it what I need.

Time for a bit more think, the one thing I do so well :-)

Birthday

Today is my Birthday, another year gone and I'm still single. The best thing about that though is not having anyone nagging me all the time. I'm sure there are plenty of benefits to being attached but I'm looking at positives today :-)

I had planned to do the North Yorkshire 3 Peaks today but decided last night that it wasn't going to happen today. I didn't fancy getting out of bed before 5, especially when I didn't go to bed until after 2. I'd changed the plan to walking my adopted paths in Wolsingham.

The plan changed again when I eventually crawled out of bed at 11. The plan was to do nothing that involved exercise. What was I to do, stay in bed?

No, I decided I'd go for a drive up the dale. Going back 10 years I'd do this almost daily and at least every weekend. Recently I've not been going there, these days now I getting old, I think about the price of petrol and stay in the house, walk or run. I'm not that bad, I've just not driven about the dale so much.

I went up to Cow Green Reservoir, stopping at the shop just up the bank for a sausage roll (3 of them) and a Red Bull. Oh the memories, I used to always do this, well not Cow Green normally :-)

When I got to Cow Green I thought I'd have a walk from the car park to Cauldron Snout but remembered I wasn't supposed to be doing exercise, lol. Actually I just couldn't be arsed!

I set the GPS on my phone away on the way back and using it decided to explore some of the back roads around the tops, that I'd never been along before. Exploring, how exciting :-)

I didn't do too much exploring because I know most of the roads and I'd need a 4X4 for some. I was going to put the map of my route on here but its very big and would mean lots of stitching maps together (not today).

I found some nice view points of the dale, would be good to take a lady for a romantic drive. Erm yeah right...

I saw just how lazy people have become while driving up to Hill End. I watched 2 farmers or shepherds what ever they're called nowadays (agriculture workers?). They spent absolutely ages trying to move some sheep up the road to a different field. They were both sat on a quad, oh and the dog, even the dogs have become lazy. They struggled trying to move the sheep up the road while riding the quad, beeping their horn as they went. The sheep weren't taking much notice either and they had to about drive into them to make them move. Eventually they got the dog to try and heard them by pointing at a sheep (can they not whistle and shout?) The dog looked and didn't seem to know what to do, the bloke was still pointing at the sheep.

Finally the man on the back decided that because they had been on 5 minutes and moved about 20 yards that he needed to get off the back and actually do something. So he got off and walked 5 yards scattering the sheep in several directions up the road. He waved the cars past the sheep which they had totally lost control of and on I went. Was this some new towny who thought he would move to the country and be a farmer, god I hope so because otherwise it looks like there is no hope for keeping traditional ways. What next GPS trackers on every sheep where you can give electric shocks to different sides of the sheep so you can steer them to where you want them to go, while the farmer/shepherd stares at his computer. Maybe there's an idea to make some money, I better patent it, lol ;-)

I suppose farmers are just mirroring the rest of us, who are all becoming lazier and lazier. Driving to places that we could easily walk to, buying things for convenience and paying people to do jobs that in the past people would do themselves. We have become very LAZY. Most of us sit there watching TV with the excuse that we just don't have time. We find plenty of time to watch TV and surf the internet though!

Wasn't this post entitled Birthday, I have digressed just for a change. ooh Mental As Anything and Live It Up has just come on. Some songs just make you smile, I was anyway though.

Hey yeah you with the sad face
Come up to my place and live it up
you beside the dance floor
What do ya cry for let's live it up

The point of this post was supposed to be to say how things had changed since this time last year. The short answer to that is, I'm a lot happier. I'm trying to see the positives of stuff more and feel better. At the moment I'm still feeling a bit worn down but not as bad as a week or so ago, overall though I'm happy. There is only one thing missing in my life and as I've said countless times it's someone to share things with. The good and the bad, my life would feel more complete if only I could find that woman. The search goes on...they will have to be someone special to put up with me :-)

I should look back at the women I've been out with and I guess there is only 1 that I still love but sometimes things are not to be. I was writing on here a couple of weeks ago about what I thought was important in a relationship. I think the first things I said were TRUST and HONESTY. This is probably because most people I've gone out with, there hasn't been much of either. I did try being more of a twat at one point in the last year but I felt really bad, although it did work and the woman did want to meet me again. I haven't though!

Tonight I think I will sit down with some Magners and watch a film. The joy of celebrating your Birthday alone, still smiling though :-)

Music

I've spent most of the night listening to new releases on Napster. I decided I'd have a night chilling out and hopefully finding some decent new music. I was suprised how much I liked The White Stripes new album "Icky Thump".

Even a single I heard from Mel C sounded good, although it was a remixed version.

A band that is new to me "The Ghosts" sound fairly good, only listened to half the album so far. Stopped because for some reason my Xbox is refusing to log it on Last.FM and I can't have that, my stats wont be correct, ARGHH!

I like The Holloways cover of "All I have to do is dream" as well.

I'm missing not having my iPod, I used to listen to some of the new releases in the car but can't be arsed to write them to CD every week. I should be buying a new one in Canada. Although I could do with it being full of music for when I get there. I will review how much I'm gonna save!

Run Off

I decided a few days ago that I probably wasn't going to do the 3M Newton Aycliffe 10K. I'm entered, but I've felt so worn out this week and have done no training that I'd just get frustrated with myself.

It's a shame but know its the correct decision. Today I actually felt a lot better after having about 10 hours sleep last night. I sat down and watched a movie and ate popcorn while drinking a few bottles of bud. No way I'm running now, lol.

Holiday

I spent a couple of hours today hopefully finalizing where we are staying in Canada. We are still waiting for confirmation for the place in Kingston but fingers crossed it should be OK.

So I decided to do a Google Map showing where we are staying and start to add some of the stuff we are hoping to visit. I haven't finished it yet, but for the moment this is it:

Canada Holiday Google Map

You are best clicking the link above because the one below doesn't fit in the blog very well :-(

INXS

I went with Kay tonight to see INXS at Newcastle City Hall. I really enjoyed it, before going I wasn't sure what it was going to be like with a different singer. He sounds a lot like Michael Hutchence!

Its definitely worth going to see them if you get chance :-)

tv, money and stuff

changing subject from the last post.

I've been wanting to get sky tv in over the last couple of months, sick
of not seeing football or the boxing. Yeah i know most of the football
has finished for a while. The cheapest i could get sky in for was £34
and i couldn't justify that just for sky sports.

The brother in law rang tonight to tell me about a half price deal
where it will only cost half that a month for 12 months and you get i
sky+ or HD box for half price as well. If was saying it would be
better to get the HD with that offer. I dont have i tv that supports
it though so don't wanna pay an extra £10 a month. I have found myself
constantly drawn to the tvs over the last few weeks but i really can't
afford the nice 37" plasma i would like :-(

Even ignoring tv stuff i need to sit down and sort out my finances. I
have to get back into the match betting as well to make some money!

Maybe i've won the rollover jackpot tonight and i can buy the things i so need:
Tv, bike, paving, fencing, kitchen roof, sofa, table and chairs, windows....

i'm laid in bed listening to future chill having just put down 'the
munros and tops' which i have just started to read. I need to chill
out a bit several times over the last couple of days i can feel myself
getting angry, not just where you a slighly annoyed with someone but
the start of where i really lose my temper and at times i could feel
that i wasn't too far off snapping when people said or did something
that usually i would laugh at.
There's a few reasons i think why i feel this, i'm really tired and
just generally run down. There's also a few things that have happened
to friends that i'm angry about. I've not been really doing the things
that have kept me calm over the last few months, like walking and
running.
It's my birthday a week today, i need to take the day off to review
the last year, what a year. From a low point where i didn't want to go
on to being really happy sat on the top of several hills and
completing 3 races.
This year i let myself cry for i think only the 3rd time in memory. I
still can't see the point in it and didn't really make me feel any
better. I think it was more about feeling comfortable enough with
myself to allow it. Can't see me doing it again though anytime soon,
lol.
Getting away from the last year and more to recent times, i found
myself feeling a bit of jealousy today. I'm not gonna explain why
because it was stupid and pointless but i guess you can't help
feelings, wish i could!

I really can't wait to go on holiday, i know i need a little bit of
time on my own to sort my head out before i go or i'm not gonna enjoy
it as much as i should. My birthday is the day for that i think. Not
sure walking the north yorkshire 3 peaks is the best for spending time
mulling things over. I would probably be better climbing up a peak and
sitting at the top contemplating things.
I suppose i should say that my job is feeling better at the moment,
gradually working through the backlog but there are still too many
things that really frustrate me.
As i seem to mentioning most of the things on my mind i may as well carry on.

I still feel really lonely if i'm honest i just wish i had someone
special who i could share things with. I get sick of people saying how
nice i am but i learnt a long time ago that being nice gets you
nothing. Other than used constantly maybe. Where are all the honest,
single woman who just want to enjoy life. Maybe they don't exist?

Something else i heard today was how much of a complete fucking lying
twat someone is. They had the nerve to blame me for something they had
done. They want to hope they never meet me again. Somethings i can
never forget!

I definetly need to get some of this anger out of me before it gets
any worse. Why can you just never trust people. If only everyone was
honest, too many 2 faced people and far too many secrets.

Not sure the chill out music is working. Writing some of this is just
getting more wound up thinking about things. Maybe i should either
stop or change subject!

testing posting photos

Testing sending a picture from phone. This is in preparation for holiday. Looks like it works ok if i can find wifi :-)

Holiday can't come soon enough

I can't wait for my holiday, both of us really need it. Kay probably even more than me.
I just feel lethargic all the time and can't motivate myself at all, trying to figure out what's causing it but really don't know.

It's my Birthday next week, I'm hoping to take the day off and do the North Yorkshire 3 Peaks. Hopefully while doing this it will give me some time to sort things out in my head and understand why I feel so tired.

There isn't really anything wrong in my life at the moment, which is why its so puzzling. Thought about diet but even when eating healthily it doesn't seem to make any difference. I have put on a little bit of weight which doesn't feel good and haven't had as much exercise. Barely been walking since getting back from Scotland :-(

I'm really looking forward to my holiday, it will be good to get away from everything :-)

Music and Driving

I've noticed the relationship between driving and music for years but was thinking more about it today when rushing to one of the offices. I was listening to dance music and driving very fast and I always tend to drive fast when its dance music.

If I listen to something more chilled like Air or something more mellow like David Gray, I drive more relaxed and thoughtfully.

I think this applies to feelings in general when listening to music, if depressed it's probably best not to listen to Nirvana or something like that. Although you do understand what Kurt Cobain was on about when listening while feeling down.

Music can help change your mood but it doesn't always work. I've tried listening to Dance music when unhappy but it can just magnify the feeling and make you even more angry, which isn't good when it makes you drive fast.

That's enough of my ramblings, I know what I'm on about but it probably makes no sense to anyone else.

planned

i don't seem to of done much this week or not that i can remember. I
stopped in tonight and watched tv and am gonna have to do that until
my holiday. My mates wanted me to go out to durham tomorrow night but
i can't spend that much money.

I have wrote a few things down tomorrow and tried to plan the day out,
so that i get some stuff done for a change. Normally when i do that
something happens and i end up doing nothing i planned.

I plan to run, go shopping, gardening, hoover, wash floor and a few
other things. The first challenge will be getting up at 7 on a
saturday when i'm not having to drive off somewhere early. Need to
make sure i don't just turn over!

Sluggish

It's been a few days since I wrote anything on here. For some reason I just haven't got around to it. I seem to have a complete lack of motivation at home, I feel totally drained and worn out. I came in tonight, got a quick bite to eat then fell asleep for 2 hours. I still feel shattered now even with the sleep and I've felt like that for over a week.

I have still made myself go out for a run a couple of times over the last few days, they are logged here and here. The run yesterday I enjoyed, now that have just about got over a cold. The beginning was hard because I had a stitch for 2 miles but that's what happens when you eat 2 chicken burgers and bacon, 45 minutes before running.

On Saturday night I went out with mates in Crook, I was supposed to be staying in and saving but after a look at what was on TV. I couldn't be bothered to do anything either, so decided to go out. It wasn't a bad night but have no idea how I got home. That really is the last time I'm going out until after Canada now. My mates are wanting me to go to Durham this Saturday but really need to save that money.

On Sunday night I went to watch the Masters Football at the arena in Newcastle. It was a good night, made even more sweet because Newcastle won on the night.

I'm really not sure what is up with me at the moment, maybe I just need some more fresh air, fruit and veg. I've been back eating shit for the last couple of weeks. Could be that which is making me feel so sluggish and tired.

I can't wait for my holiday next month, its exactly a month today when we fly (5th). A break away from everything is what I need, shame the Scotland trip didn't entirely give me that. I don't think the holiday is going to be very relaxing, there is so much we want to do. It will be a complete change, and supposedly a change is as good as a rest. My brain really has stopped working, each sentence I write, I have to go back over and correct all the mistakes. There's always mistakes, but not this many. Time for more sleep I think.

Another 10K

My last post was about having a few days off exercise, but what I forgot to mention was that I entered the 3M Newton Aycliffe 10K which is on the 17th June (3 days before my birthday!)

I'm gonna have to get back into training, serious training. The race is all on the flat and is supposed to be good for setting personal bests. I would like to approach 50 minutes which looking how I ran the Raby 10K (conservatively) should be achievable.

A few days off

I have had a few days off running and any exercise really. I decided to give my body a bit of a rest, feel hadn't recovered from walking in Scotland, yet was still going out running. Still something wrong with my feet but they are a lot better and I can live with a bit pain for now. They will get a rest in July (sort of).

I now feel totally worn out and shit, for some reason I always feel worse when I've hardly had any exercise or fresh air and I know unless I get out shortly my knees begin to ache. Which is a bit backwards, you'd think they'd hurt more when doing exercise.

Hopefully I will get a run tomorrow before work (no I will), would go tomorrow night but the football is on and I'm getting my shopping delivered between 5 and 7.

I need some exercise I feel so lethargic which again is back to front!!

Good Weekend

For a change I feel like I have done something with the weekend, I put my shed up on Saturday which took a while. The longest part was laying the paving level, so the shed would have a level base.

Yesterday I ran the Raby 10K and achieved my target time. Then after the race Kay came over and we spent hours and hours going through accommodation and stuff for our Canada trip. We haven't booked any more than the original first week in Toronto but we have a more firm intinery for the second and have picked out 3 or 4 hotels in each place. We can now finally see a picture of the room (Rose Suite) we booked in Toronto.

Rose Suite (our room in Toronto)

We still have to book the second week but I think we both know what each other likes now and are thinking along the same lines (I hope). It looks like we have decided to drive the second week, not 100% but the train takes as long as driving for some reason?

Today I had a lie in, which I needed. Then I went to Ikea and Ilva with my parents for a look out. I found a table I liked in Ikea but wasn't sure if the colour would go in my dining room. Then walked over to Ilva and saw several tables I liked, at twice the price and most too big. I did find one the looked perfect, it was a Solid Mango Wood Table at £297. I didn't buy it though, can't afford too.

Solid Mango Wood Table in Ilva