too much thinking time

now i am starting to relax i think i have too much time to think. It
was probably a bad idea to listen to REM but ended up with tears in my
eyes remembering when i first reached the hospital in Toronto. I was
wheeled in to the hospital and stopped in what looked like a corridor
i could see at least one other person on a bed further over from me.
It was hard to tell because there was so many people around me. I
looked up at the monitor and think it read 218bpm. I looked to my left
at a couple of the medical staff, i thought i could see worry and
slight panic in their eyes. That's when i thought is this it, am i
gonna end my days in a corridor, in a strange country, alone. Kay was
there somewhere behind me i think and i was surrounded by medical
staff but not exactly anyone there who loved me or doing something i
love or spectacular. Didn't want to go like that. In reality i was
probably never anywhere near that happening but i didn't know that
then and still don't know now.

Although it sounds bad this is what i hoped would happen now while i'm
off. I don't mean die, lol. I wanted to actually take in what happened
and go over it in my head. Since it happened, its been like a
whirlwind, never getting chance to just sit and take stock. When i was
telling people what happened it was like i was telling a story about
someone else, not me.

The days after getting out of the hospital i was being constantly told
my faults, of which i have many. Maybe it was the right time to tell
me or maybe not, i think i was absent from my body most of the time
while in canada. No i wasn't on drugs, except the same ones the doc
has me on now. What i'm on about is i just wasn't myself. Still not
entirely sure why. Partly the tablets, partly not wanting to offend,
lots of reasons...

I need to stop writing stuff like this on here and keep it to my other
blog that only i have access to.

Hopefully now i am starting to take things in, i can make some
decisions rather than avoiding such things.