work

its been quite a while since i have blogged from my phone in bed.
tonight i feel i have to, its where i do my deep thinking. well my bed
or the hills.

i am at the moment the only it person covering durham and teesside
where as in the past there was 4 over the 2 areas. there would now be
2 but my colleague is off for a month on paternity. this still i could
cope with if it was a normal month but this is no normal month. i have
got so much extra work that needs doing its ridiculous.

i have wrote several times this year that i had to make a decision
about whether i stay or go and this was to be done by the end of
february. i was waiting on my job appeal results. i'm still waiting on
them, the deadline was a week ago today. the person in charge of it
was unfortunately on compassionate leave and it must of been left to
the last few days so it hasn't been done.

we were told we would recieve them this week, the lady has been in
this week and she spoke to me today in passing but mentioned nothing
off the appeal. i was going to mention it but decided i would wait to
see how long it takes them.

last week i spoke to another person in hr has supposedly been going to
do me a letter with what i am being said and other details concerning
my job. i asked her about it 2 months ago and was promised it in 2
days. 2 months have now passed and i'm still waiting so i asked her
about it last week and was told that it was on her list and hadn't
forgotten.

i know i have had to say this myself recently but when I've said it,
its been about printer or something and have given an explanation as
to why there is a delay. i think this is more important than a printer
and haven't had any explanation!

this has just about made my mind up. i can't go on in limbo any longer.

another reason i'm not very happy is because of the way durham is
going at the moment. i am seeing good friends i care about being put
under extreme pressure at the moment and it just gets worse and worse.
management clearly have no idea of the pressure some of the staff are
under because these are the staff that are quiet and try to get on
with things without any fuss. yet when they complain no one listens
because they are don't stamp their feet and shout like others do.

i can think of 4 staff off the top of my head that this describes
perfectly. decisions that are being made at the moment with no clear
thought, consideration or discussion with individuals is the cause of
the problems.

i'm not against change at all and there certainly needed to be changes
in my opinion but it is being done completely wrong and is doomed to
failure before its got off the ground. i would expect the sickness
figures to go up as well as more staff leaving. i would predict that
these will be staff that 2 years ago loved their jobs, are good at
them and the service can do without losing.

a lot of this post isn't about me directly and i guess i should get
back to myself.

i said tonight on the phone. why do we go to work there has to be more
purpose to life than to go to work every day for what?
why go to work every day to take shit from people, wearing yourself
into the ground and get nothing for it in the end.

i have tried to be positive the last few weeks but i don't think i can
keep it up much longer. everyone else it falling apart around me,
think i will be joining them shortly unless i do something about it.

one thing i never got around to writing about is quiet personal is i
finally broke down and cried a few weeks ago. i am not someone who
cries and always keep things bottled up until normally in the past i
would explode. even through everything last year i just held it
together and didn't cry or explode. the other week everything finally
got too much and it was either explode or cry for the first time i
chose to cry. i can only really remember crying twice in the last 15
years until that point.

i decided that i would give work until the end of february as
mentioned in several other posts. i have also been trying to figure
out what and who is really important to me, some of which has become
clearer. the deadline has past so i will make one final one, which is
the end of the week. if i haven't recieved what i am waiting for by
then i'm going to have to make probably the hardest decision of my
life because of now having a house!

this post has become very long especially when writing it on a phone
and too personal. when i was talking tonight i asked if they wanted to
run away with me. they said yes but didn't really mean it, i was
serious and would love to get away but if i'm honest with myself i
think i'm scared of doing it on my own and leaving everything and
everyone behind. where's my balls?

decisions are easy to make its carrying them out that is the bit i
struggle with.

i have plenty more i could write but know i have already said far too
much and my thumb is hurting writing it all.

Posted with phone which is why things are incorrectly spelled and may not totally make sense!