Regrets?

Sometimes I'm not sure if I should of wrote some of the things I have on here, today was one of those days!

Another Walk

I was starting to fall asleep after tea so decided to go for a walk. The Satellite photo above shows where I went marked in red (Click the image for a slightly larger version). I'm not really sure how far it is. It was another really nice sunny night.

Here's a picture on my way back to the house, I've walked down this path loads of times in the pitch black standing in all the mud:


This ones looking over the fields towards where I live:

The above 2 pictures are poor quality because they were taken with my phone!

Hermit

I really do seam to of become a hermit the last couple of months. I have been trying to save but I think its more I've been trying to sort my head out (which takes some doing). I've been feeling stuck in a rut, hopefully I'm climbing out of it slowly and trying to make a few decisions.

I have hardly seen any of my mates recently, when I used to be out with them 2 or 3 days drinking every week and playing football and stuff.

I am going out on Friday for a night out with work again, I'm looking forward to it. The last time I was out was a month ago in Sedgefield.

Over I guess

I forgot to write in my last post that it looks like things are over with me and Kelly which has been my decision and it is the right thing. I know we will always be friends but after a lot of soul searching I know its never gonna work.

Just have to tell her now, I don't want to hurt her but I am sure she already knows how I feel. I have told her before. I am just no good at ending anything, especially when I do still care about them I try to remain friends but is often very hard.

The way things have happened with Lisa shows this, where she wants to get back together but I am not interested at all.

Think its obvious how I feel from my last few posts. Just hope this year gets easier, its started out very tough. Always knew I would have to make a lot of decisions this year!!

Sometimes hard to open up

Every now and again I hear a song that just hits home, I am constantly listening to "The Beatles - A Day In The Life". For some reason its just constantly in my head and almost brought a tear (I said almost) not quite sure why. Something about the music makes me look at my own life!

Its been a very strange day today but generally good. Before I write anymore I know someone who means a lot to me will probably read this. Its hard to write when you know someone you care so much about and have written about will read it. Imagine someone reading your diary and being a little scared of what they make of what you've wrote.

Today has been very hectic at work but I don't really want to bore anyone (myself included) by writing about work.

The best thing that has happened to me today is I have started talking to the person I mentioned in my previous posts more openly. Its been hard ever since we stopped seeing each other. I don't think anything will ever happen again, although if I'm honest I wish it would. But more than that I've missed her as a friend. For some reason I always felt I could tell her anything although more often than not I would clam up and say nothing, regret it now :-(

I hope we can keep talking how we are, its been hard the last few months. We have both felt awkward and not known what to say to each other. Yet what I really wanted to do was give her a hug as often knew she had stuff on her mind and looked like she needed it, maybe me imagining it.

The 1st time we went out for something to eat I can remember sitting in the restaurant (pub) and thinking how at ease I felt and how perfect it felt at the time (wasn't drinking either). It was the 1st time I had met her outside of work. I can remember saying loads about me that I would normally never tell anyone but for some reason I opened up.

I wont say anymore tonight, think I've said enough and not fair to write about people publicly.

Tunstall Reservoir

Just been for another short walk with my Mother around Tunstall reservoir. It was again only a couple of miles but better than sitting in the house all day. I wanted to to walk further from Wolsingham up to the Reservoir and back down again but my mother was pulling faces. So decided just to do the short route highlighted above.

Short Walk

I decided to go for a short walk last night to clear my head before I watched a film, the picture above shows where I went, its only about 2 1/2 miles or so. It was a nice sunny night so enjoyed it. The red lines show where I walked!

(The red circle is from Multimap)

The Exorcist

Watched The Exorcist last night, I can't remember ever watching it all before. It was OK but slow, I prefer something that has a bit more happening or some sort of twist in it. It was all very predictable, can see how the new film (Exorcist - The Beginning) fits in. It was good but like a lot of the films that were banned here in the 80's there was no need and got a lot of extra publicity for nothing. I gave it 6 out of 10 on IMDB.

Oh no

Gonna keep this short because im tired. Will write more tomorrow.

I was supposed to be seeing Kelly tonight, so I could see how I feel about her but it didnt happen. So wasnt best pleased but guess I answered that question.

Texted the person I said I still really liked in my last post. Sent a couple of messages between us. Then got on with stuff. Then she texted me again late on when she was with her friend. She made a joke about her mate wanting my babies. So for some reason I said I still really liked her. Never heard anything since, oh well another thing i have managed to fuck up :-(

Tonight

I seam to of done a few odd jobs that I keep putting off tonight. I got in and finally decided to change the knackered brake light bulb on the car. I have had the bulb for 2 weeks. I just dont seam to have any motivation at the minute, haven't been so bad today. Not sure why I've been feeling like this. Wish I knew why and would try to fix it. Maybe its because I just seam to be treading water and going nowhere fast.

There hasn't been anything particularly new at work, I have been able to do a few things more interesting at least but not like we have anything major of any interest to learn. We were supposed to be getting some Microsoft Certified IT Training for free but nothing has happened about that. Will be one of those things that will die a death. Was looking forward to this as it could be something more interesting and would be getting something out it. The only training I've had for over a year has been for programmes used internally at work and aren't developing me at all.

I did get an email about upgrading to the latest version of Lotus Notes, if this goes ahead there will be some training for it and maybe some new stuff to learn. Don't think there will be much new to learn. The only major new part is Intant Messaging and it will probably be disabled for us anyway.

Anyway I seam to of gone off on a side track!

I watched Ray Mears survival program but it was boring, spent a whole hour making a canoe. It would of been too long if it was on 30 minutes nevermind an hour. Its a shame, I normally like hos programs. Just hope it gets better for the rest of the series.

I've spent the last hour, sorting out my finances and trying to pay as much off as I can, still want to buy a house. Bairstow Eves (Estate Agents) rang me up this afternoon to let me know they hadn't forgotten about me but they still hadn't been given a price to put it on the market at yet. They said they are hoping it will be anytime but they told me that a week ago. The house still has all of the owners (previous now I guess) belongins in. Can understand them repossessing stuff but not all their personal stuff like photos, clothes, etc.. So guess they will have to take some of that out before selling the house.

I seam to be going nowhere fast in relationships either, hopefully going to see Kelly on Saturday night. It will be the 1st time since we sort of split up about a month ago. We both still really care about each other. I want to see if there is anything more there still, not gonna let anything further happen unless she splits up with the person she lives with. Can't see that happening so think I have answered my own question. Nothing is gonna happen.

I've had a few emails from someone I used to see from work last year, I still really like her. Spoke a few times on the telephone at work and we both sound more comfortable with each other again. I still think there was something special between us but not sure she thinks the same, probably not. She did mention about going over and seeing how she had got on with her house and garden sometime. Again nothing will happen here, as far as I know she is still engaged and dont think she would be interested in me anyway. I just seam to upset her, because she feels guilty about us seeing each other last year. Sometimes just wish I could give her a shake and tell her to wake up. She was still talking about marrying her fiancee a couple of months ago. Even though she doesn't love him as anything more than a very good friend. Last time we went out for something to eat (last year) I said I was pleased for her as long as she loved him but said she didn't know that she did. Don't think I said anything after the that, maybe I should get her to read this. I've only ever poured my heart out to a couple of people. But told (anonymous) more personal things than anyone else and totally opened up a lot quicker than I ever have. From the 1st time we met outside of work there seamed to be some sort of connection, maybe it was just me seeing something I wanted.

The last time I can remember us properly being alone together we went to the beach but I wasn't in a very good mood coz I'd been away to Sheffield on Training that I really didnt want to go to or need to, I had been ready to walk out of work a few days earlier over it but got calmed down. She picked me up from the Train station, got something to eat and walked along the beach and it started to thunder and lighten when we walking along the beach. Maybe this was an omen that it was the end or something. We did see each other the following night at bowling with a load of other staff from work but couldn't even touch her as didn't want everyone to know (or rather she didnt). That i think was the last time we were truelly close, can remember standing in either Burger King or McDonalds at the end of the night and standing facing each other and wanting to kiss her so much. If I thought she had the slightest feelings for me would tell her how I feel. While writing this I have realised just how much I still care about her.

Think I have sort of shocked myself by what I just wrote, this is the exact reason I started a blog in the 1st place to help me sort out my head. But maybe I should of made it totally private?

I guess I have answered some of my own questions, Lisa texted me earlier coz I hadn't said anything for 2 days. Gonna have to make it even clearer that I'm not interested (maybe some Simon advice). Will see Kelly on Saturday and see how we feel about each other, its been hard to have any real relationship as we never saw each other. Loved being together but can't see her being single anytime soon and wont let it go any further unless she is.

The only other person I havent mentioned is Angelika, I know you will read this. I do really care about her but it couldn't be anymore when I've never met her in person. I know she really cares about me but think its unbelievable how close we have come just from talking on the net but don't believe anything else would come of it. Would love to meet up as friends and have missed talking to her the last week. We are in someways very similar can put on a show on the outside which is nothing like we really feel inside. Don't want to say anything else here (hope you're not gonna be mad at me for typing this here?)

Well think I've wrote enough shit tonight, what started out about me changing a light bulb suddenly turned into how I felt about those I love, guess it was a light bulb moment!

Better Day

It's been a good day today at work. I decided to work from our Training room where I could be on my own and just get on with the work I needed to do without any distractions. I managed to get some things done that I've trying to do for nearly a year and just never seam to get the quite time to actually figure out what I needed to. Think it helped cozz I was in the right mood for working out code, but the main difference was not disruptions at all. The only time I got asked all sorts was when I went to my desk to pick up my dinner and got grabbed by 3 people to solve their problems.

If I could get a few more days like this I might actually finish something, the stuff I was working on today are very near complete now and just need another couple of days like today and they will be finished.

Tomorrow I know will be a bit of a dead day, answering calls in the morning, so waste of time trying to do anything that I need to concentrate on. I think tomorrow morning we are planning some site visits, so that is something to look forward to. I prefer to get out of the office and actually do some hands on work rather than sitting talking on a phone all day. Should be installing some network switches and also some Windows Terminal Devices (WIDS).

I am sat waiting for blogger to come back up as its down for maintenance :-(

Music

While at work today I listened to a couple of albums, think they helped me concentrate :-)


The first was The Manic Street Preachers - Forever Delayed this is their Greatest Hits compilation. I only listened to the 1st CD as the second is just remixes. This is an excellent album, quite often listen to it, most people will of heard quite a few of these songs on the Radio over the last 10 years or so. From the perfect Motorcycle Emptiness to Everything Must Go and So Why So Sad. Just about every tune is memorable.


I also listened to Big Tunes 2 which is a Dance compilation album, I really liked this. The last few new dance compilation albums I've listened to have been a bit rubbish but this one I really liked will probably listen to it again when I go to bed. So thats not a bad guide as to how good it is.

Before midnight

In bed before midnight for a change. I have had an easy night and watched some stuff on tv, grand designs and location location.

Intended to sit down and code all night but decided to take it easy instead.

hopefully do my coding tomorrow night instead but do want to watch Ray Mear at 8 :-)

well think i will get back to listening to music before i fall asleep.

Fed up

I am sat at work totally fed up. I have spent all morning answering helpdesk questions which totally pissed me off as it wasnt me supposed to be doing it. I am supposed to be on now but i am only just getting my dinner.

Not staying here much longer, totally fed up with not being able to get on with my own work and once again unable to finish anything.

I feel like just going home i may as well coz havent been able to get on with anything all day.

Cant sleep

Once again im laid in bed unable to sleep, everytime i lay down my brain starts working over time.

Thinking about fixing and helping people out with their computers on a night again. I do it all the time now for friends but would like to do the same for others but for a fee. i should try and make some money out of something i am good at and enjoy doing.

Dont want to be sat doing what i am doing in 2 years time. I mentioned about a month ago that i was gonna do a plan for the next 2, 5 and 10 years and what i would like to of achieved and be doing. Its time i finished it.

If you can make money out of something you enjoy then what more could you ask from a job. i am interested in how many people would contact me if any. It will be next month before i could even think about trying anything got too much on this month.

Albums

I read the list of the top 100 albums that was shown on Channel 4 the other night. So decided I would start to listen to some of them.


The Beatles - Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band, I have listened to this quite a few times before and it is an excellent album. The Beatles must of been totally tripped out when they did this album as the music does sound like it was done by someone on drugs. I agree it is one of the best Beatles albums, it was The Beatles 2nd highest entry in the Top 100 at Number 7.


I then listened to Pink Floyd - The Dark Side of the Moon @ number 5 on the chart. I have never been all that interested in Pink Floyd. I like a couple of their tracks like Money and Another Brick in the Wall but the rest of their stuff just isn't all that interesting to me. I listened to the album and I didn't want to turn it off but not exactly gonna rush to listen to it again either. Everyone says how great this album is, maybe I'm missing something?


Just finished listening to U2 - The Joshua Tree, the first 3 tracks are excellent and probably most people will know them but after that I've always thought the rest of the album was a bit boring maybe its just that the 1st 3 tracks are so good the rest just can't live up to it. Just my opinion but again everyone says how excellent this album is and it was voted number 2 on the chart. Maybe I need to listen to it again when I'm doing nothing else.

Too tired

I once again fell asleep after tea, I was watching the Top 100 Anthems on VH2 then next thing I knew it was 30 minutes later. Once I go to sleep then I can't get to sleep later on which is why I now feel wide awake.

I was hoping to work on a new DVD section for my new website tonight but didn't feel like writing loads of PHP script after I woke up. I did look at a booklist somebody else had done to work out how to integrate something similar into my site. I am going to start totally from scratch and hopefully figure it out. Just I need to get a night when I get no interruptions and don't feel tired.

Lisa texted me again tonight, told her I was hoping gonna have an early night for a change. So she went in the huff saying "she got the message" whatever. She obviously didn't get the message coz she keeps saying why don't I go down the pub and see her or come up for a coffee. Told her I wasn't interested in anything more than friends but she is still trying.

After this I got a text from Kelly asking how I was. She then ended up pissed off at me too (although said she wasn't). She was complaining coz I saw Lisa to fix her daughters computer the other day. Not sure how she can say anything, I told her the situation that I wasn't interested in Lisa. Me and Kelly split up weeks ago anyway, because I wasn't happy with the situation. She is living with someone, I didn't want to carry on seeing her while she was with someone. I gave her over 3 months and there was no change in the situation. Then she has a go at me for fixing an exs computer.

I may not of said anything but I was fairly pissed off with her, don't think she was in a situation to criticize. What makes it worse is I do really care about Kelly and if she was single would like to go out with her and know she would like to get back together too, but I can't with the current situation.

Maybe I should just stay single and ignore everyone, if I keep getting hassle off everyone I might just ignore them for a while. Simon from work left a comment about one of my other posts and said sometime you just need to tell people to f*ck off. Maybe he is right coz I'm fed up with people twisting at me for nothing. Wouldn't mind if I had done something wrong. Trying to stay friends with everyone is like walking through a mine field and bombs keep going off next to me!

Nowhere Fast

Today has been one of those days where you don't seam to get anywhere fast. I worked most of the day on a couple of access databases I did ages ago but they both needed fairly big updates to them.

I ended up only working on one of them coz is took me ages to figure out how to do what I wanted, Access most be one of the most frustrating programs about. Nothing is ever straighforward, would much rather be working with mySQL and a browser frontend. I may do a quick example version of the same database I've been working on today but browser based after this month when I have more spare time at home.

I managed to fix a couple of problems this morning but struggled this afternoon trying to create a report that asked you several questions before producing the report. I finally figured out what I needed to just before home time, so tried to write it down before I left or will of forgotten it by tomorrow.

Wish I worked from home a couple of days a week, part of the reason I struggled this afternoon was coz everytime I was working on a more complex part I would get interupted and lost track of what I was doing. I am answering the phone tomorrow afternoon so no good trying to work on anything complex then as I wont get anywhere.

Listening to...

I am laid listening to David Gray - White Ladder. I think this has to be one of my top ten albums from the last ten years. I havent listened to it for a year but still sounds excellent.

Not really listened to any other complete albums the last couple of days but have been listening to certain tracks quite a lot:

Beatles - We Can Work It Out
Beatles - Cant Buy Me Love
Beatles - Love Me Do
Dr Dre - Xplosive
Dr Dre - Watcher
Stereophonics - Dakota

The song ive listened to the most is: Vinylshakerz - One Night In Bangkok.

Just remembered i have listened to Antony and the Johnsons self titled album as well. It has to be the strangest album i have listened to in a long time. Cant quite make my mind up about it. One track stood out: The Cripple and the Starfish.

Organised

I need to get myself more organised both at work and especially at home. I always have loads of things to do but often never seam to get around to doing things.

Like tonight i had tea then fell asleep then just browsed the net for a bit, had a bath worked on my website for a while but soon got side tracked listening to music. After that started browsing tescos website to see if we could get the stuff we buy there.

So really i did nothing all night. But have got loads of things listed in my tasks to do but never even looked at them.

Its the same reason why i havent really exercised just not organised myself to regularly do something. So my aim is to work out the stuff i want to do and set myself a few tasks each day i have to do. Will see how it works out?